(It’s about 10:30 pm. My parents and I have just left the Giants game and have boarded a shuttle that takes us to our parking lot about two miles away. There are about fifteen other people on the bus. In the area around the ballpark, there’s a lot of construction, trying to revamp that area of the city and prepare for the America’s Cup coming up in a little over a month.)

Person: *getting on the bus* “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “I’m sorry?”

Person: “Are you taking us back to where you picked us up before?”

Driver: “Where was that? I drop off at several places.”

Person: “You know, it’s a parking lot. You’re the one that picked us up!”

Driver: “Sir, I picked up hundreds of people before the game. I’m also dropping off at several parking lots. Which one was it?”

Person: “I don’t remember which one. It was the one next to construction, and between two buildings!”

(Just about everyone’s jaw drops, and my dad, who is sitting in the front row, puts his face in his hands.)

Driver: “Really? Did you really just say that?”

Me: “Hi! What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “I would like an extra dry, no foam cappuccino.”

Me: “So, a cappuccino is a foamy espresso drink. A dry cappuccino is mostly foam. A wet cappuccino has less foam, would you like that instead?”

Customer: “No! I want it extra dry, but make sure it has no foam.”

Me: “Would you like a no foam latte, instead? A cappuccino, by definition, has foam in it.”

Customer: “Yes, okay, but make sure it’s extra dry.”

Related:
Cappuccino-No-No

(I travel pretty much everywhere in my city by bus and it is usually easy to tell who the tourists are as they often ask the divers for specific stops. The drivers don’t always appreciate having to be a tour guide for these folks.)

Tourist: “Where is the stop for Chinatown?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China.”

Tourist: “Yes, but what is the specific stop?”

Driver: “You get off when it looks like China!”

(Our roommate works in the deli and told us this story of the first customer he had on the busiest day of the week.)

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a [sandwich with avocado].”

Employee: “No problem.” *makes the sandwich like usual and starts spreading the avocado on the bread for this type of sandwich*

Customer: “I don’t want it on that bread; I want it on this type of bread.”

Employee: “Okay, then.”

(He has to dispose of the other sandwich and start a new one on the requested type of bread. He has just spread the avocado on again…)

Customer: “Don’t you have any fresh avocado?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, the deli only carries this type of avocado spread.”

Customer: “Well, [Sandwich Chain] carries it! Why can’t you do it like them?”

Employee: “Would you like me to get a fresh avocado for you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

([Employee] gets a fresh avocado from the other side of the store and brings it back to the deli and starts to remake the sandwich again. He scoops the fresh avocado out of its skin and proceeds to spread it on the bread.)

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong!”

Employee: *becoming annoyed* “I’m sorry, sir, how did you want me to make it?”

Customer: “You’re supposed to use avocado slices, like [Sandwich Chain]!” 

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, this is the only way I’ve been trained to make this sandwich. Did you want to order something else?”

(The customer makes a disgruntled noise but allows the employee to finish the sandwich they ordered before stomping off. The employee proceeds to watch the customer buy the sandwich, and then promptly walk over to customer service and return it, complaining loudly the entire time about what horrible sandwiches are made at the deli. After the grumpy customer leaves, the customer service clerk comes over.)

Customer Service Clerk: “What was that about?”

([Employee] rehashes the entire experience over again to the clerk.)

Customer Service Clerk: “Man, if it had been me, I would have refused to make his sandwich again after the second time!”

(I answer calls in an insurance office. A client is mad that we overnighted the check to replace his truck; he wanted his check to instantly manifest in front of him as he was walking away from his totaled rig.)

Me: “The check is in the mail and should be there tomorrow; here is the tracking number—“

Caller: “That’s not good enough; you need to get me that now!”

Me: “It’s overnighted and will be there tomorrow.”

Caller: “That’s no good; I want it right now. You need to hurry up, a**hole!”

Me: “If you don’t learn to talk like a big boy, I’m going to have to hang up on you.”

Caller: “F*** you, a**hole!”

Me: *click*