Customer: “Oh, I almost forgot… I need a lighter.”
Me: “All right. Well, here are the various ones we have.” *points at lighters*
Customer: “Can you pick one out for me?”
Me: “Sure thing, sir. Any particular design or color you like?”
Customer: “Clear, just like my underwear.”
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Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to have non-service dogs in the store unless you’re holding them.”
Woman: “Oh, I know.”
Me: “Well… I am going to have to ask you to keep the dog in your arms while you’re shopping.”
Woman: “That’s fine. I just had to readjust my thong.”
Woman’s Young Daughter: “MOM!”
Woman: “What? I wanted him to know.”
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(An older woman in her 50s needs some help picking out a new MP3 player.)
Me: “Okay, so do you have any preferences?”
Woman: “Well, do you have any that are waterproof?”
Me: “Not really…”
Woman: “I had one before, but it’s broken.”
Me: “Oh, okay.”
Woman: “Yeah, it was my own fault though, I think.”
Me: “How come?”
Woman: “Well, I put it in here–” *points and looks at her breasts* “–while I was at the gym. I guess I was sweating a bit too much!”
Me: “…”
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Hotel Guest: *glances at front desk* “Do you have any newspapers?”
Me: “If there aren’t any out on the counter, we’re all out.”
Hotel Guest: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes sir, I’m sure. If I had any more, I assure you they’d be sitting there on the counter.”
Hotel Guest: “Okay, is there one in there?” *points to trashcan behind the front desk*
Me: “Um, sir… are you asking if there are any newspapers… in the trash?”
Hotel Guest: “Yes.”
Me: “Um… well… sir… I don’t think you want to look through here, there’s food and all sorts of gross–”
Hotel Guest: “I want to look through there for a newspaper.”
Me: “Um, okay…”
(He brings the trash to the front and starts digging through it.)
Hotel Guest: “UGH! This trash is DISGUSTING!” *storms off*
(There was a gas station literally 100 feet away from the hotel. This guy would rather dig through the trash for a newspaper than walk up the street and buy one.)
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Me: “Hi, can I help you?”
Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?”
Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.”
Customer: “But what is it measuring?”
Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.”
Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?”
Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.”
Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.”
(I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.)
Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right?
(My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.)
Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!”
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