I was lucky enough to graduate college right around when the health crisis hit. Finding a job in my preferred field became a lot harder, so in the meantime, I’ve been applying to just about every opening I come across. However, most of these jobs are retail or customer service, which I don’t have a lot of experience in. I tend to get passed over in favor of applicants who do, which is only to be expected.

But my not-at-all-tech-savvy father recently decided that the real reason I’m not getting hired is that I simply need to “show more initiative” by walking in and applying in person. He’s constantly trying to bring me to places that are hiring —- 99% of the time, I’ve already applied there online, of course — and will tell me to go in and ask the manager for a job, despite me explaining to him that pretty much no one does things that way anymore. Avoiding him is more or less impossible since I still live at home.

I’ve asked managers, in front of him, if they accept anything other than online applications, and I’ve taken pictures of signs telling job seekers to apply online. This generally works for only a few days before my father hears through the grapevine that someone somewhere got hired by just walking in, and it starts all over again. My heart goes out to every manager who’s had to put up with this kind of stubbornness before.

We are in lockdown here. All businesses and venues open to the public must be registered, and patrons must check in using an app or by providing the owner with their names and phone numbers. Owners are held responsible for making sure that patrons check in properly and can refuse entry to anyone who does not comply. If a patron makes trouble over checking in or not being allowed entry, then the owner is authorised to call the police to sort it out.

I am displaying the proper signs and check-in information, and I take the checking in very seriously. I see a woman enter without showing her phone.

Me: “Hello, have you checked in all right?”

I suspect she hasn’t.

Customer: *Irritably* “No, I can’t be bothered with all that trouble.”

I respond quietly, trying to be helpful without causing an argument.

Me: “You are required to check in using the app or give me your name and phone number so I can register your visit here.”

Customer: *Glaring at me* “No! I’m not giving you my phone number. That’s personal information and I don’t know what you are going to do with it.”

Me: “It’s not for me; it’s for your own benefit. If you don’t check in one way or the other, I can’t allow you to come in.”

She is already several metres inside and still moving forward. I move very slightly toward her but still keep a safe distance. The woman suddenly turns on me and starts shouting.

Customer: “Touch me and I will have you up for assault and discrimination because I’m a woman!”

I quickly step back, holding up my arms.

Me: “All right! All right! I wasn’t going to touch you, but if you don’t behave properly and check in, it is my duty to notify the police.”

She turns and walks out, shouting over her shoulder.

Customer: “Don’t be stupid! You don’t know my name, my phone number, or where I live, and I’m wearing a mask, so how are the police going to find me?”

Even though she had actually been inside and should have been checked in, there was not much I could do about it once she had gone. I was left bewildered and confused, wondering why some people feel that they have to be so troublesome.

This one particular brand of product has a 100% money-back guarantee, no questions asked. We have a woman who constantly takes advantage of this by buying a bottle and then pocketing half the product and returning it, claiming she isn’t satisfied. And sadly, even though we argue this with the brand, they force us to keep the policy or lose the line.

Customer: “I need something to help me lose weight and I only want it in [Brand].”

My coworker rolls her eyes, knowing where this is going. She helps her pick something out, and I ring her out. A mere TWO HOURS later, guess who comes strolling through the door holding a half-empty bottle?

Customer: “I want to return these; they didn’t work.”

Me: “So you didn’t lose any weight… in two hours?”

Customer: “Yes!”

I pick up the bottle and notice it’s — of course — half empty.

Me: “Did you take half this bottle in the last two hours?”

Customer: *Obviously lying* “Yes, I did, and it still didn’t work!”

This is when Ephedra is still allowed in weight loss products.

Me: “You should probably be at a hospital, ma’am!”

Customer: *Getting angry* “I’m fine! Just give me my money back!”

Not long after, the brand finally realized what a nightmare their policy was. After the woman started getting very angry and was caught trying to steal, we were allowed to ban her. The day she tried coming into the store and I got to tell her to get the h*** out was soooo satisfying.

During the latest health crises and civil unrest, most firearms stores have been completely wiped out of product. This is particularly true for states with heavy restrictions on what they can have.

As a sales rep for a firearms wholesaler, I am well aware of the desperation of many of these dealers. They are trying to stay in business and cannot get product to sell. One of my restricted state customers knows by now that I only call him if I have guns that are okay to ship to him.

Customer: “I’ll take it.”

Me: “Great!”

Customer: “Matter of fact, I’ll take two.”

Me: “Perfect! That’s exactly how many I have. And one of the other.”

Customer: “Fantastic! Get them here as soon as you can!”

Me: “On it!”

Customer: “Thank you so much. Now, what did I buy?”

Twenty years on the job, and this was by far the easiest and most memorable sales call ever.

I am sixteen, working at a hardware store return desk. At the return counter, we stand under a soul-sucking sign that states in bold letters that if the customer is not satisfied with their purchase for any reason, we will exchange or refund the price of the item. No lifesaving asterisk… no exceptions.

My favorite customer was a man that, over the course of four years, came in every few months to return a flashlight pack (that came with batteries) which he bought to use for work. He would use it until the batteries died and then bring it in and exchange it for a new flashlight with batteries. If we even tried to talk to him about it, a high-pitched “FOR ANY REASON!” screech would reverberate through the entire store… and I would just hand him a new flashlight.

He single-handedly brought that sign down. Great man.