Me: *phone rings* “[Bowling Alley], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was in there last night, and I think I left my bowling ball there. Can you see if it’s around?”

Me: “Sure, was it a specific brand?”

Customer: “Oh… I’m not sure… I don’t think it had a brand on it.”

Me: *mentally sighing* “Okay, what color was it?”

Customer: “Um, I think it is blue. Er, wait… Maybe green?”

Me: *mentally facepalming* “Well, was there anything else on it, like your name engraved, or some other feature?”

Customer: *thinks a bit* “Um… OH! It has three holes in it!”

(I work in a local bakery and café that has gelato. Occasionally we’ll have Italian ice cream in stock, but we’ve been out of stock for months, even though it’s still on the menu board. I like to warn customers before they order.)

Customer: *with her daughter* “We’re going to have some of your ice cream.”

Me: *seeing the future* “Just so you know, we only have gelato.”

Customer: “She’ll have a lemon ice.”

Me: *beginning to worry* “Sorry, we’re out of that; all we have is the gelato. “

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *turns to daughter* “Honey, do you want a vanilla custard?”

Me: *weakly, losing hope for humanity* “We only have the gelato…”

I work at a busy gas station off the highway. It is a Friday afternoon, and I am paired with one of the worst coworkers ever: a mama’s boy who whines about everything.  

This afternoon, the whole station is filled with people wanting to get gas, beer, pop, and whatever else they need to start their weekend. I am on the main terminal, moving the line along. My coworker is talking on the phone with his mom, being slow and rude, asking me to help him out. I finally get tired of it and excuse myself to go in the back, where our boss is sitting in the office. I complain a bit about the coworker. After, I tell the boss that I should get back out there. He tells me to stay in the back for a few more minutes, which I gladly do.

After a few more minutes, I go back out to the glare of my coworker, and get the store cleared out. He is still talking to his mother.  

A week or so later, he gets a delivery through the regional office. It is a “secret shopper’s” report, from that afternoon! Long story short: he no longer has a job.  

He threatens to sue for “defamation of character,” which probably won’t go far.

Customer: “I’ve been driving around all day trying to find a notary; you’d better have one on staff here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we do not at this time; however, there is–”

Customer: *instantly starts yelling before I can finish* “BUT I CALLED AND YOU SAID YOU HAD ONE!”

Me: “I can assure you I did no such thing, nor did my coworker, and I’m going to have to ask you not to yell.”

Customer: “YOU LITTLE S***! I LEFT A MESSAGE AND NO ONE CALLED ME BACK; YOU WILL GET YOUR NOTARY NOW!”

Me: “A moment ago you said you talked to someone on the phone, and now you’re saying you left a message; if you are going to try to bully me into a service that we don’t offer then at least get your lies straight. Also, if you can’t be civil I’m going to have to kick you out.”

Customer: “YOU A**HOLE! FIND ME A NOTARY!”

Me: “I know exactly where a notary is, but I wasn’t bluffing; get out.”

(The customer picks up the mug on the counter we keep pens in and throws it at me, still yelling about needing a notary. I dodge the mug, and walk calmly around the counter, getting right in her face and and speaking more calmly than I thought I could pull off.)

Me: “Ma’am, what you did there is considered assault. There are two cameras watching us right now; if you don’t leave I’m calling the police.”

Customer: *shrinking back under the death glare I am giving* “I… Um… Can you tell me where that notary was located?”

Me: “I would have if you hadn’t assaulted me, put a hole in my wall, and broke my mug. If your next words aren’t, ‘Have a nice day,’ the police will be shown this footage.”

Customer: “I… you… I just… Have a nice day.”

(She left and was never seen in our office again.)

(I work in a cafe where there’s a hot case that we fill with pieces of breaded, fried chicken, various flavored chicken wings, chicken tenders, and two fried sides. Today we have three flavored wings: two bone-in, and one boneless.)

Customer: “What flavor are those wings?”

Me: *pointing to the sign and reciting the flavors* “I have buffalo and garlic parmesan in the bone-in wings, and sweet red chili in the boneless.”

Customer: “Well, I like that chili one, but I don’t like boneless wings. Can you just make the bone ones in that flavor?”

(I offer to take an order, which will take about twenty minutes.)

Customer: “No, I ain’t waiting that long. Just put the bones in the red chili ones.”

(Sometimes customers want their favorite sauce put over one that we’ve already made, so I offer to do this.)

Customer: “No, just take the bones out of those buffalos and put them in the chilis!”

(Another person who knew this customer came over and suggested they try the garlic parmesan. Crisis averted.)