(A person walks in, wanders past the box office and concession, and moves straight to the self-serve soda fountain. He pulls a cup from a very popular fast-food chain out of his backpack and fills it.)

Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to pay for that.”

Customer: “Why? I bought this here, and you’re supposed to get free refills!”

Me: “Sir, I really don’t think you bought that here.”

(He storms up to me and thrusts the cup in my face.)

Customer: “Here! You happy?! I bought this here!”

Me: “Yeah, sir… I’m sorry, but I don’t think our company logo is an M comprised of two golden arches.”

Customer: *defeated* “How much will it be?”

(He leaves. A coworker who witnessed the entire ordeal speaks up.)

Coworker: “Did he really just try to pass off a fast food cup as one of ours… to your face?”

Me: “Yes… Yes, he did.”

Customer: “Give me a coffee. But can you fill it with ice? I don’t want it to be too hot.”

Me: “Do you just want me to put a little ice in it to help it cool down?”

Customer: “No, I want you to fill the cup up completely with ice. I don’t want it hot.”

Me: “All righty.”

(Five minutes later, the customer returns.)

Customer: “Hey! This coffee you sold me is ice cold! I just wanted it to not be so hot!”

Me: “I thought you wanted it that cold? You had me fill it up with ice.”

Customer: “I didn’t realize filling it with ice would make it cold!”

(Yes, you read that last bit right.)

(I’m working opening night of “Deadpool,” taking tickets. After the first twenty minutes of taking tickets, I give up warning people with kids that this movie is NOT for children. A family of four — a mom, a dad, and two boys about six and eight years old — come in with tickets for — you guessed it — “Deadpool.” While tearing their tickets I tell the dad:)

Me: “Sir, just so you know, this movie has a hard R-rating.”

(As expected, he just sneers at me, holding out his hand.)

Father: “Just do your job and shut your mouth'”

(I give him his stubs and direct him to his auditorium. After about twenty minutes, my manager asks me to make theater rounds, where we walk into each auditorium during the show to make sure there are no problems with the film, and to check for recording devices, feet on seats, etc. He specifically mentions the “Deadpool” auditoriums because he’s getting complaints that someone’s kids are being loud and the parents are ignoring other patrons’ requests to be quiet. Dreading dealing with this guy because I’ve got a pretty good idea who it is, I go into the nearest showing. Sure enough, it’s the dad from earlier, who’s now arguing with the people behind him, who have just asked him to quiet his kids. As he’s telling them to mind their own business, the woman in front of him stands up, turns around, and yells:)

Woman: “Listen up, you sorry piece of s***! I’ve waited twenty-five years and one day for this movie, and I’m not going to let it be ruined because you’re a piece-of-s*** parent, so either shut them the f*** up or get your f***-trophies the f*** out of here!”

(Before the dad could pick his jaw up off the floor to respond, the entire packed auditorium started cheering and clapping. The family got up and left without saying a word. The kids looked dazed, and the dad wouldn’t look anyone in the face all the way out. Red-Haired Lady in the Deadpool shirt and leather jacket, I don’t know who you are, but you are my new hero!)

(A customer comes up, pointing at our self-serve, touch-screen soda machines.)

Customer: “These machines are awful! They don’t work! They’re broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Show me what the problem is and I’ll see if I can help.”

(I leave the counter and walk over to the machines.)

Customer: *placing cup down and pushing the ice button* “I push this and I get ice! But who wants just ice?! There’s no way to get soda with these stupid machines! What idiot thought that getting soda machines that only gives you ice was a good idea?! They must be broken or something!”

Me: “Actually, you pour the soda into the cup by pushing the soda button next to the ice button.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

(They proceed to push the soda button.)

Customer: “Nothing’s coming out! I told you these machines were broken!”

Me: “Well, first you have to use the touch screen to select the soda that you want.”

Customer: *becoming more frustrated* “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(They then start haphazardly slamming their fingers into the touch screen, which is clearly marked with big bold letters that say, “Touch Screen to Begin.”)

Customer: “How does this stupid thing work?”

Me: “You just navigate the menu and select the type of soda you want, and then you select any additional optional flavor you want.”

Customer: *fuming* “How was I supposed to know that?!”

(The customer selects the “cola” option and then proceeds to press the button. They stop after a second and take a sip.)

Customer: “I WANTED CHERRY COLA!”

Me: “Did you press the cherry cola option?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “Well, sir… you need to press the flavor of the drink you want before the machine can give it to you.”

Customer: “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!”

(They turn back to the machine, and press the cherry cola button. They then hold down the soda button and refuse to let go until the cup starts to overflow, sloshing cola all over their hand.)

Customer: “GOD D*** IT! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME TO STOP?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THESE MACHINES OVERFLOW YOUR STUPID CUPS?!”

(I flagged down a supervisor and headed back to stand, because I literally didn’t know what else to say. And the sad thing is, this sort of thing has happened to me two or three times a week since the new machines came in a while back. Is getting a soda really that hard?)

(I book my movie ticket in advance. On the day of the movie my grandparents pay us a surprise visit, and Grandma wants to watch with me. We can’t sit together as a result, and she is stuck in a back corner while I am in the dead center. At the end of the movie, I try looking back, but I can’t see her, so I decide to wait until people clear out and just join her when she walks down. After half the theater has emptied, I figure I have missed her and follow everyone out. I look all around the large sidewalk and don’t see her, nor did she come out when the last person left. I frantically go around to the theater’s entrance, worried, because I’m not sure Grandma remembers how to walk home and she doesn’t have a mobile. Whew, there is Grandma sitting in the waiting area!)

Me: “Hey, I missed you in that crowd.”

Grandma: “Where were you?! I didn’t see you! I waited for a long time, and then I came and sat here.”

Me: “Where were you waiting? On the sidewalk?”

Grandma: “No, by the entrance!”

Me: “Entrance?”

Grandma: “Yes! The door we came in.”

Me: “You exited through the entrance! You were supposed to follow everyone out the front.”

Grandma: “It was too crowded, so I just sneaked out the entrance.”

(It turns out my grandparents usually get tickets near the back and sneak out through the entrances, and that they have managed to sneak into other movies several times without getting caught. After we got home and I mention this…)

Dad: “Mom! You’re still doing that?”

Me: “You knew?”

Dad: “Yes, always going out the back. They tried to sneak me into another movie once but I called them out for it!”

Grandpa: “It would have been a free movie!”

Me: “Dad, didn’t you think to warn me grandma might do that?”

Dad: “She’s a little old lady now?”

(At least I’m glad Grandma didn’t go into another movie this time, or I wouldn’t have found her…)