I’m on an overnight trip with minimal phone usage allowed. I’m desperately missing my girlfriend, so I find somewhere quiet and give her a call, even though it’s nighttime and I very rarely call people. The conversation greatly helps to soothe my loneliness and homesickness, and the call comes up in a later conversation.

Girlfriend: “I saw your number pop up on my phone and I kid you not, my first thought was, ‘Oh, crap, she’s dead.'”

Me: “How would I have called you if I was dead?”

Girlfriend: “I’m sure you would’ve found a way.”

I have owned a small shop that sells local items for over twenty years. It is located near a large university and is surrounded by expensive neighborhoods, so we have three general groups of customers: college students, wealthy locals, and tourists. Over the years, I have grown weary of bad customers, and our policy now is to dish out whatever we are served. This goes over well with the college students, who are some of our best customers. The others, though?

Customer: “Can you open this box so I can inspect what’s inside? I’m buying it for my daughter’s dorm room.”

Me: “Absolutely!”

I open the box and let her inspect everything inside. She hands the box back to me and says she’s going to look around and then buy the item after. I go back to serving other customers.

Customer: “I tried looking for another one of those, but I can’t find any. Do you have any more?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the local seller that made that recently died, so this is literally the last one we have. Did you need more than one? Maybe I can find someone who could produce something similar.”

Customer: “No, I just didn’t want to get the one that was already open.”

I look back at the box, which I just opened for this same customer just a few minutes ago. It has been taped shut, and the tape has not been disturbed.

Me: “What?”

Customer: “That one’s tainted! I wanted a fresh one!”

Me: “Ma’am, you are the only one that has handled that item since we received it.”

Customer: “Well, it’s tainted! You shouldn’t sell opened items!”

Me: “It’s not a perishable item. It’s not a hygiene issue. The product was in perfect shape and you were satisfied with it.”

Customer: “That’s not the point!”

Me: “Yes, it is. I’ve had enough of this. Get out.”

And with a huff, she did leave. That last product, opened box and all, sold by the end of the week.

Related:
Thinking Outside The Box, Part 6
Thinking Outside The Box, Part 5
Thinking Outside The Box, Part 4
Thinking Outside The Box, Part 3
Thinking Outside The Box, Part 2

I have received three scam calls claiming to be from Apple support informing me that my account has been compromised. After just hanging up on the first two, I press the button to speak to customer support the third time.

Me: “Hi. I would like to be removed from your call list. I do not have any Apple products or an account.”

Operator: “How poor are you? Just go buy an iPhone.”

She then immediately hung up the phone before I could respond.

I’m running the self-checkout at a well-known department store. A customer I recognize as a regular is on her way to a self-checkout machine when she decides to make small-talk with me.

Customer: “Happy Mother’s Day!”

This is actually a subject that’s sensitive to me for personal reasons, plus this actually takes place on the day after Mother’s Day, so I just uncomfortably laugh.

Customer: “Are you a mom yet?”

Me: “Uh, no, I’m not a mom.”

Customer: “Are you a furry mom?”

I think for sure I must have misheard her. Laughing a little bit, I ask her to clarify.

Me: “Uh, a what?”

Customer: “A furry mom! A mom of pets!”

I break into hysterical laughter. I answer in between laughs.

Me: “No, I don’t have any pets. Um… you do know what a furry is, don’t you?”

Yes, she did know, and apparently, she only realized how bad what she said sounded after she had already said it. Well, hey, while she didn’t intend it, she managed to make me laugh after starting out with something that otherwise would have made me sad. So thank you!

My high school US history class has an abnormally high population of dim bulbs, much to the frustration of our teacher. We’re playing a trivia game.

Teacher: “What is the capital of Iran?”

Guy: *With complete confidence* “IRAQ!”

For a second, the teacher just stares at this guy, along with most of the other more intelligent people in the room.

Teacher: “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.”