When I was in high school, I went through a phase of being a vegetarian. I was also on the school’s free lunch program. At one point during my vegetarian phase, the school tried to open a salad bar, which was very helpful for me; on most days, neither lunch option was vegetarian, and bringing paid-for food from home didn’t make sense when I got food from the school for free.

Unfortunately, most of my classmates weren’t fans, and halfway through the school year, the salad bar was shut down due to running at too much of a loss. Not wanting to burden my parents by having them pack me lunches with fresh veggies and/or tofu “meats”, neither of which were cheap, I tried to make do with what I could still access. So for a while, my main entree was whatever that day’s main side was, usually french fries; that’s not the healthiest option, I know, but at the time, I was too stubborn to just stop being vegetarian because it would have been more practical.

One day, I saw a tray with a bowl of salad sitting on top of the counter from further in the line. When I got to the counter, the lady handed it to me, at which point I saw that it was how I usually made my salads from the salad bar. Turns out, the ladies decided to just start ordering the ingredients necessary to make sure I wasn’t relying on carbs most days. Looking back, I’m sure there was some bureaucracy they had to jump through to be able to order these, unless it was out of their own pockets, which would still be impressive considering, again, fresh veggies aren’t cheap.

I eventually gave up being vegetarian anyway, and made sure to inform them when I did so they knew to stop ordering the necessary ingredients — though I added that I would happily finish what they already had in stock so it wouldn’t be wasted.

Among the horror stories of how poorer kids are treated with regards to school lunches nowadays, it warms my heart to remember how my old lunch ladies looked out for a poor student who just wanted to try eating healthier for a while.

(We have an outage that affects the registers in about a quarter of the store. We quickly make signs pointing customers to the closest working registers and instruct our employees to tell customers the same. I get a lot of complaints about the inconvenience, but this one takes the cake.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager? I have a complaint!”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanted to buy shoes, but they said they couldn’t ring me up there. They said I had to go to—” *drops his voice to a barely-audible whisper* “—women’s lingerie.”

Me: “Yes, I’m afraid a number of our registers are out and we have to direct people to the next closest register.”

Customer: “Yes, but why women’s lingerie?” *he’s using the same, incredibly soft whisper*

Me: “It’s the closest register to the shoe department.”

Customer: *looking flustered* “But, I can’t be seen buying something in women’s lingerie. What would people think?”

Me: “Well, you’d be buying men’s shoes, and I think all the customers know that there’s an outage…”

Customer: “But they might think I’m buying women’s lingerie!”

Me: “Or… you can use any other working register. There’s one in the men’s sportswear section that’s working.”

Customer: “Oh… oh, that will work. Thank you.”

(He walked away. I turned to an employee who had been close enough to hear and whispered, “Women’s lingerie!” and they just started giggling.)

Me: *towards the end of haircuts* “How would you like your neckline shaped?”

Literally 75% Of Men That Get In My Chair: “Doesn’t matter to me!” *laughs* “I never see it anyway!”

Me: *yet again, fakes light laughter, soul crushed from hearing the same joke eight times a day*

(Back in the 90s, my parents volunteer as treasurers for their community pool. Each year, the pool has to be inspected by the state before it can open. As the pool is only open from May to September, normally the inspection office will send a notice to the PO box saying when they will be around to do the inspection and someone with a key will meet them to let them in. One year, as opening day approaches, my mother begins to get nervous as she has been checking the PO box and no such notice has arrived. The pool cannot operate without the inspection, so after having no luck getting through to someone, she drives downtown and marches into their office.)

Inspector: “We sent someone down there but no one was there to let the inspector in.”

Mom: “Right. Because we didn’t know we had to be there. No one sent us a notice so that we could let them in. The pool is only open three months out of the year.”

Inspector: “We sent the notice.”

(They go back and forth on this. Mom checked the PO box diligently so she knows nothing has been sent.)

Mom: “What address did you send the notice to?”

Inspector: *flips her computer screen around so Mom can see it* “We sent it here.”

Mom: “That’s the physical address! There is no one there when the pool isn’t open, which it says in the notes.” *points to another area on the screen* “This is the mailing address! It clearly says that on the screen. Not only that, but I also see that you have six phone numbers you could have called if you needed someone to let you in.”

Inspector: “Look, ma’am. We sent the notice. We sent someone out. You weren’t there to let us in. That’s not our fault.”

Mom: “Do you not know the difference between a physical address and a mailing address?”

Inspector: “I know the difference, but—”

Mom: “Good. Then set up another appointment for the physical address right now for any time before Memorial Day weekend when the pool is supposed to be open. I’ll be there myself to let them in.”

(Mom got her appointment and left. The week before the pool opened, some volunteers went over to the pool to clean and found the inspection notice stuck in between the gates.)

(Before closing, mall security lets our store know that a customer lost a bag containing medicine somewhere in the mall. Someone on staff finds it during recovery, two hours after close. The assistant store manager contacts mall security, who contacts the customer. He says he is “five minutes away,” so the ASM agrees to stay to give them the bag. Nearly an hour later, they haven’t shown, so the ASM turns the bag over to mall security. The next morning, I don’t know any of this when I arrive two hours before opening. I just find a man banging at the exterior entrance. He looks furious and violent and I don’t want to approach him until another member of staff comes in. Ten minutes later, someone does, and we go out through the employee entrance to talk to him. He is red-faced and yelling the whole time.)

Customer: “Finally! I’ve been out here for a half-hour and your door is locked! You have my bag.”

Me: “The door is locked because we are closed until ten. You left a bag? In lost and found, you mean? Let me check.”

Customer: “I’m coming with you.”

Me: “I’m afraid you can’t be in the store until after opening.”

Customer: “What? That’s bulls***! You have my bag! You said on the phone someone would give it to me when I got here and you left me waiting? I can sue you for this! I’m coming in with you!”

(He follows us back to the employee entrance, yelling, and tries to force his way into the store. We get the door closed and locked and I rush to call security. In the meantime, I find the letter the ASM wrote the night before. Mall security shows up and we see them give the furious man the bag and order him off the property because he threatens them. When he seems to be gone, security knocks on the door and I open it so that we can chat.)

Security: “Want to know the weird part? We peeked in his bag and all the ‘medicine’ was herbal supplements and essential oils.”

Me: “The ASM is going to be so mad he stayed an unpaid hour for that. I wonder why he… Ack!”

(The man hasn’t left the property and comes running up to us, barging by and into the store.)

Security: “Call 911!”

Customer: “No! Don’t call the police! Here, I’m going, I’m going.”

(He goes to the main entrance and tries the still locked doors.)

Customer: “I can’t get out! Help! I’m trapped! They got me trapped!”

(I was on the phone with the police when he finally backtracked out the unlocked doors and took off running across the parking lot. Now, he is banned from mall property and we are all just confused by the whole ordeal.)