Turn Up For The Books

, , , , | Related | April 2, 2018

(As kids, my brother and I were taught that if we got separated from our parents, we were to stay where we were so that when our parents started looking for us, they could find us more easily. One day at the mall, my brother — about three or four years old at the time — gets separated from the rest of us. After retracing his steps, my dad finally finds my brother… at the bookstore that we haven’t been to today.)

Dad: “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay in one place, not go wandering!”

Brother: “I did stay in one place. I came here so I could read while I waited for you.”

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An Ocean Of Passive-Aggressiveness

, , , , | Related | March 28, 2018

(My mom and sister have taken my four-year-old daughter to the library while I’m at work. The library has a station of seashells for the children to look at.)

Sister: “If you put the seashell to your ear, you can hear the ocean!”

Daughter: “Oh, I hear it! Grandma, listen!”

(She holds the seashell to my mom’s ear.)

Daughter: “Can you hear it, Grandma?”

Grandma: “No.”

Daughter: “Well, maybe if you’d stop talking, you would hear it.”

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Scouting For An Argument

, , , , , | Working | March 10, 2018

(A year ago, I had a substantial number of my employees selling some multi-level marketing item. Things were getting ridiculous, with employees hassling their coworkers, catalogues covering the break room, purchased items brought in for pick-up and left in lockers. Finally, I set a hard rule that no one was allowed to sell anything on company property. Period. One employee, who sold diet shakes and vitamins, had major issue with this, protesting to corporate, but my rule was upheld. I know he held a grudge for it. One day, he approaches me.)

Employee #1: “So, the no-selling thing is only for some of us, then?”

Me: “It’s a store-wide rule. No one is allowed to sell anything on company property. Why? Who is breaking it?”

Employee #1: “[Employee #2] is! Back in the break room! Girl Scout cookies!”

Me: “All right; I’ll head there.”

([Employee #2] is sitting there, eating her lunch and scrolling through her phone. I don’t see any order forms or boxes, so I’m a bit confused.)

Me: “[Employee #2], are you selling Girl Scout cookies?”

Employee #2: “No… I mean, my granddaughter is, but…”

Me: “But have you tried to sell any to another coworker?”

Employee #2: “I thought that wasn’t allowed?”

Me: “It’s not. Thank you. I’ll let you get back to your lunch.”

(I pull [Employee #1] to my office.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to tell me exactly what happened.”

Employee #1: “I’m minding my own business at break and [Employee #2] asks if I want to see her granddaughter. She shows me a picture and the kid is wearing a Girl Scout uniform.”

Me: “Did she ask you to buy cookies, or attempt to take money?”

Employee #1: “No! But why would she let me know she had a granddaughter in Girl Scouts unless she was subliminally trying to sell me cookies?”

Me: “Girl Scouts aren’t Psych Ops. No one was doing subliminal sales. Please go reset zone two.”

(Since then, he has been telling people I’m unfair and unequal with my rule!)

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Self-Check Your Signs

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2018

(All of our self-checkout lanes are currently out of order. We have signs up on each one of the screens explaining this, as well as a rack of plastic bags placed on each one to discourage use. Most customers, however, still attempt to check out at these lanes. A customer walks up to self-checkout, noticing the bags in the way. She makes a face, removes the bags, and attempts to scan her items at a black screen. She does this several times before coming to my lane.)

Customer: “I couldn’t use the self-checkout!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. They’re broken. They have been for a month now. That’s what the signs are for.”

Customer: “…”

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Surely They’re Toying With You?

, , , , , | Right | March 2, 2018

(This has happened multiple times as I finish ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “No, that’s it.”

Me: “Okay, your total is [total].”

(The customer then points at a child holding a toy, on the other side of the store, who in no way has displayed any connection to the customer until just this moment.)

Customer: “Did you get his toy?”

Me: “No. Please bring it up here and I’ll ring it up.”

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