(I’m a lifeguard for a couple of pools run by the local government. I’m working in the deep stand, which is the lifeguard stand directly next to the diving well. We allow adults to swim in the diving well during adult swim when the slide is closed.)

Swimmer: “Do you need to know how to swim to go in the well?”

Me: “Yes, it’s nine feet deep. You’d drown if you went in.”

Swimmer: “Yeah, a lifeguard saved me last week when I went in.”

Me: “Why’d you go in if you didn’t know how to swim?”

Swimmer: “The slide looked like fun and I thought I’d learn quickly.”

(She didn’t go in, but I still had to save someone else who went in despite not knowing how to swim. His comment afterward: “That was fun. Can I go back in now?”)

(I’m teaching a lesson on how Latin has influenced English, so the students all have lists of English words with their Latin equivalents. The students need to think about which words from Latin are directly related to English, indirectly related, or not related at all.)

Me: “Okay, what word did you choose?”

Class: “White.”

Me: “What is the Latin word?”

Class: “Albus, alba, album.”

Me: “Does that sound like the English word ‘white’?”

Class: “NO!”

Me: “Does it sound like another English word that is similar to white?”

Boy: *sitting in the back corner of the room* “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, what word is it related to?” *expecting “albino”*

Boy: “ALABAMA!”

(I’m one of the physically larger men in my office. One day, the office manager is going around gathering up the large men in the office to help with a task. Our office building, in addition, has common areas any of the tenants can use when extra space is needed.)

Me: “What’s going on, [Office Manager]?”

Office Manager: “We left some tables in the common area after yesterday’s event and the landlord is having a fit about it.”

Other Large Coworker: “So, what, we’re gonna beat his a**?”

Office Manager: *pause* “No, we’re going to move the tables.”

(I work at a well-known superstore. I am about midway through my shift when my supervisor tells me I am good to take my lunch break. I have just finished paying for my food from our in-store sandwich shop when she pulls me aside.)

Supervisor: “Hey, can you help that customer outside to her car?” *points to an elderly lady*

Me: “I can’t; I’m off the clock, Miss.”

Supervisor: “It’ll take you five minutes tops. Go help her.”

Me: “I’m not going to work off the clock. You can ask someone else to assist her.”

Supervisor: “No, I want you to assist her. You don’t pull your weight around here, anyway.”

Me: “And I’m not going to break the law just because you cannot find someone else.”

Supervisor: *grumble* “Fine. You win.”

(She pulls out a clipboard.)

Supervisor: “But before you go to the break room, I want you to sign this. I am sick and tired of you not listening to me.”

(I realize at this point she’s writing me up for not working off the clock.)

Me: “No. I am not signing that unless [Store Manager] is present.”

Supervisor: “If you don’t sign it, you’re fired.”

Me: “You know what? Given the circumstances, I dare you to fire me. I would love to see that get upheld after I tell him that you fired me for effectively refusing to break federal labor laws.”

(Incredibly, she fired me on the spot for what she called “insubordination.” Needless to say, when we met with the store manager to discuss my termination, he wasn’t very happy with my supervisor’s actions when I told him what really happened. After he confirmed it through security footage, the store manager reversed my firing and put my supervisor on a two-week unpaid suspension. While my supervisor was away, an investigation revealed that she had previously pulled similar stunts on my coworkers and only got away with it because they didn’t stand up to her like I did. She was fired less than two days after she returned for repeatedly and intentionally violating labor laws. I still work there, and there are now big posters by each time clock stating that working off the clock will not be tolerated.)

(I am in a fast food restaurant similar to a British fish-n-chips shop. The “original” meal is two pieces of batter-dipped deep-fried fish, two hush-puppies — balls of deep-fried corn meal — and deep-fried French fries — chips. I am in line behind an older female customer.)

Customer: “I’d like an ‘original,’ please, and a soda.”

Worker: “Okay, that’s one ‘original’ and a soda.”

Customer: “Make that a diet soda, please. I’m on a diet!”

Worker: “Okay, one ‘original’ and a diet soda.”

Customer: “Wait… Take off the hush-puppies. I’m on a diet!”

Worker: *removes the hush-puppies*

Customer: “No… take off the ‘chips,’ too. I’m on a diet!”

Worker: *reenters the order*

Customer: “Wait… I only want one piece of fish, not two. I’m on a diet!”

Worker: *reenters* “Okay, so that’s one piece of fish and a diet soda.”

Customer: “Yes. No. I’ve been so good with my diet; I’m going to reward myself. Add a piece of pecan pie!”

(Note that pecan pie is corn syrup, eggs, sugar, butter and vanilla baked in a pie crust. A single slice is over 500 calories.)