Asking On The Cuff

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(The phone rings.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Female Caller: “A man is going to call you and ask if you sell handcuffs. Tell him you don’t.”

(About two hours later, the phone rings again.)

Male Caller: “Hey, um, do you sell handcuffs?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Male Caller: “I’m parked in the back. If I give you my card, could you bring me the handcuff keys?”

(My manager went into the back parking lot to find that this guy had been handcuffed to his steering wheel. Instead of making him pay for handcuffs, my manager pulled out his key and unlocked them. Not only had this woman gotten mad enough to handcuff him to the steering wheel, she called every adult store in the area to tell them not to sell him keys. Hell hath no fury…)

The Honor Is All Hers

, , , , | Related | July 14, 2017

(My younger sister is playing video games at home. She has just finished crushing someone in a fight.)

Sister: *laughing maniacally* “Ha-ha, I have WON AGAIN!”

Sister: *listening to other players*

Sister: *to other players* “But it’s an honor to lose to me!”

The Ocarina Of Crime

, , , , | Working | May 12, 2016

(We’ve been receiving a LOT of scam and spam calls on our landline, despite the number being on the Do Not Call list.)

Me: *picks up* “Hello?”

Caller: *has a very heavy Indian accent* “Miss? I am calling from the Internal Revenue Service about penalties on your—”

Me: *howls with laughter* “F*** you, I work for a tax firm. I know the IRS doesn’t cold call about penalties.” *hangs up*

(Almost as soon as I’ve hung up, the phone rings again. ID shows it’s coming from the same number.)

Caller: *attempting to sound intimidating* “Listen here, you will be in very much trouble with the IRS. This is not a joke—”

(I laugh even more loudly and obnoxiously than I did the first time and hang up on him again. Almost immediately, the phone starts to ring a third time from the same number. Fed up with this belligerent scammer, I grab my replica Legend of Zelda ocarina off my desk before I pick up the phone.)

Caller: “STOP HANGING UP ON ME, YOU STUPID B—”

(He stopped calling after I responded with a very loud and sustained blast of the most ear-piercingly high pitched shriek of a note the ocarina could produce straight into the phone speaker.)

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The Difference Between Father And Son

, , , , , | Right | November 19, 2013

(A customer comes into my video game store with his teenage son in tow.)

Customer: “Hi, I bought this game yesterday. The guy who was here said that if I changed my mind, I could come back and exchange it for another game.”

(I notice the game has not only been opened but actually played.)

Me: “Okay, but you played this game.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “Well, usually exchanges are when the game hasn’t been played.”

Customer: “Well, the guy yesterday didn’t say anything about that! I want to talk to the manager. He said I could just exchange it if we didn’t like it! I just want the other game.”

Me: “Fine. Just pick out the other game you wanted.”

(The customer goes to shelf, pulls out the other game, and brings it back. I notice the game he’s returning is $15, while the other game is $20. I ring up the difference.)

Me: “That will be $5.35, please.”

Customer: “What? Why?”

Me: “$5.35 is the difference plus tax between the two games. The game you bought yesterday is $15, while this game is $20. The difference is $5 plus tax.”

Customer: “No! The guy yesterday didn’t say anything about paying MORE for exchanging the game!”

(As the customer says this, his son looks down uncomfortably.)

Me: “You can’t exchange a $15 item for a $20 item without paying the difference.”

Customer: “I’m not paying extra! He said I could exchange this one for the other one! He didn’t say anything about paying more.”

Me: “Sir, you can pay the $5 plus tax difference and take the new game, or you may keep the game you have already bought and played. Or, I can call mall security, and have you removed.”

Customer: *hands over the cash and departs*

Customer’s Son: “Sorry!”

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