That Sounds Too Much Like Work

, , , , , | Working | April 7, 2021

It’s the time of year that the company reviews pay. Unfortunately, there has been a major downturn in business that the company is trying to recover from. It makes it a lot harder to justify pay increases.

I have just taken on managing a team. This will be my first round of reviews with them. I start with the youngest team member. The last boss warned me that he was a bit lazy and had zero ambition.

Right at the start of the meeting, he comes out with this.

Team Member: “I’ve been here for three years now; I think I deserve a pay rise.”

Me: “You don’t qualify for pay rises by work time alone; each year we set goals and you meet them to justify the pay increase. Did you get goals set last year?”

Team Member: “I don’t know.”

Me: “I can check. Okay, so you had some set. Let’s see… Okay, good. One. Lateness, no more than three instances of unexcused lateness. Looks like you had some real issues making it in on time last year. How have you done this year?”

Team Member: “Yeah, fine, I think I’ve improved.”

I take a look at the printout; he has done way worse.

Me: “Okay, it looks like that isn’t great. Let’s look at number two. Take on three small tasks that help the department. These all seem easy enough. Have you picked these up?”

Team Member: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you show me?”

Team Member: “No. I didn’t have the chance.”

Me: “Okay, last one. Three: spend at least one hour a month on the e-learning site. Have you done that?”

Team Member: “Err, yes. But I don’t have the certificates.”

Me: “That’s okay; they can be printed off at any time. Should I ask them to?”

Team Member: “No, I don’t think I probably did it. So, do I get a pay rise?”

Me: “I have to justify every penny, and at the moment, that is a hard sell. The first thing they will ask is if you have met all objectives, and you haven’t met one. So, no, I won’t put you forward this year. But we can work together to get your goals complete for next year.”

We had the same conversation again later. I proposed meetings that he didn’t show and asked for updates that he never gave. Eventually, I think he accepted that he didn’t want to do the tiny bit of extra work to get on.

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Their Demand To Be Let In Is So Theatrical!

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2021

The movie theater I work at has just reopened after being closed for health reasons. As per state and company guidelines, we’re only selling our shows to 25% capacity to encourage social distancing, we’re only open for limited hours, and our movies have an hour-or-more gap in between show-times so we can thoroughly clean the theaters and sanitize every seat.

Prior to closing, we’d always get those guests who would show up early and throw a fit that they couldn’t get into the theater while it was being cleaned, but this hasn’t been an issue so far since we reopened due to the extra time between shows.

I’m in a theater spraying seats with sanitizer out of a backpack spray-unit and the next show isn’t for about fifty-five minutes. Suddenly, a large family bursts in through the doors.

Me: “Um… can I help you?”

Father: “We’re here for the next show!”

Me: “I apologize, but that showtime isn’t for nearly an hour, and I need to be able to clean every seat and let them dry before we can let people in. The theater probably won’t be ready for another twenty or so minutes.”

Father: “Oh, come on!”

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to wait outside, and I’ll check the theater in a while and give you the go-ahead to enter once it’s ready.”

Father: “This is ridiculous! You should know people will want to come in early!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize, but we have to clean the theater before we can let anyone in.”

The family ignores me and descends the stairs to their seats behind me.

Father: “This is idiotic! The seats are all wet! How are we supposed to sit on wet seats?”

Me: “Sir, again, I’m in the middle of cleaning and the seats need time to dry. I need you to wait outside.”

Father: “I just can’t believe this! You should schedule more time between movies if you can’t get the theater cleaned on time.”

Me: “Sir… we did schedule more time between shows so we could get the theaters clean. There’s almost a full hour until your showtime.”

Father: “So you really expect us to wait outside?!”

Me: “Yes, sir… I’ll need you to wait outside.”

Father: “Un-f******-believable!”

The family stomped out and waited by the door, pestering me and shouting at me every time I walked by for the next twenty or so minutes until they were finally able to go in. I’ll never understand people who think they need to be in the theater an hour before their showtime, especially at theaters like mine that have assigned seating.

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Looking For A Specialty Item Doesn’t Make You Special

, , , , , , | Right | April 5, 2021

We are a specialty component store. People come to us because they can’t find what they need at the big box stores and websites. We’re not usually the cheapest out there, but for most of our customers, that doesn’t matter because we actually HAVE the impossible-to-find object they’re looking for.

Customer: “I’m looking for [specific hydraulic component]. You got anything like that?”

Me: *Searches* “Actually, yes, we have that exact model.”

I list off some specs to make sure it matches.

Me: “That’s $453.75.”

Customer: “Ouch, that’s pretty expensive. Do you have anything cheaper?”

Me: “I can check what we have that might function similarly that’s cheaper. What can you use that’s different?”

Customer: “The price. A lower price.”

Me: “Sorry, I meant what specs can change for you and still be usable?”

Customer: “I want the exact same thing but cheaper.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “If you’d like to buy this exact component, then it will cost $453.75. We do not sell a version that will meet all these exact specifications for a cheaper price.”

Customer: “Why not?”

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The Couponator 25: The Cheese Explosion

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2021

I’m working my regular Saturday shift when a customer comes through the door. 

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have this coupon for a free pizza.”

I take the coupon and look at it.

Me: “Yes, this is for a large one-topping pizza. What topping would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “That is three toppings, and this coupon is only for one topping. So, which of those would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “Yes, but I can only give you one of those. If you want three toppings, you can just buy a pizza and use your coupon next time.”

The customer widens their eyes and looks slightly crazy.

Customer: “I want my hamburger! And don’t forget extra cheese!”

Since he is only asking for two toppings now and I want to get rid of him, I ask my manager if that is okay.

Me: “Hey, this guy is crazy and won’t leave me alone. Can I just give him two toppings so he will leave faster?”

Manager: “He wants extra cheese, so just type it in as beef—”

We call hamburger “beef,” along with the vast majority of the population.

Manager: “—and he won’t even know the difference between regular cheese and extra cheese.”

I get back to the customer who has been staring at me the entire time I have been talking to my manager.

Me: “Okay, I will give you your beef and cheese pizza.”

Customer: “I want hamburger. Not beef. Hamburger! And you’d better make sure it has lots and lots of cheese on it!”

I don’t want to keep him around anymore and am also very annoyed and slightly frightened.

Me: “Yes, I will give you your hamburger and cheese pizza.”

I try to take the coupon from him but he doesn’t let it go. I explain to him that store policy is that we need to collect all of our coupons. I am stronger and quicker, so I take the coupon and lock it in the register.

I go over to where my manager is and start making the pizza. Unfortunately for me, we have glass walls so that kids can see us making their pizzas. This guy is leaning over the glass wall just giving me the death stare the entire time, which makes me super uncomfortable. I eventually just tell my manager to make it as I pretend to grab something from the cooler.

I hide in the cooler and don’t come out until the customer is gone. While in there, I can hear him shouting:

Customer: “You didn’t put extra cheese! I want extra cheese! Give me my coupon! It’s my coupon, not yours! Mine!”

When everything is finally over and I emerge from my hiding spot, my manager just looks at me, dumbfounded.

Manager: “Don’t you ever leave me alone with him again. He is absolutely insane.”

Luckily for us, he never came back again. This was two years ago, and my manager still holds it against me that I went and hid while she dealt with him!

The Couponator 23: The Time Destroyer
The Couponator 22: Coupons Of Mass Consumption
The Couponator 21: The FINAL Sale
The Couponator 20: Coupons Of Mass Consumption

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Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | April 5, 2021

I work in a gift shop where we sell, among other things, a variety of scented products like lotions and candles. It’s a small shop, so the smell of these products is noticeable, but I wouldn’t say it’s overwhelming.

My coworker is dusting some shelves and I’m helping someone out at the till. An older man comes in. As soon as I’m done ringing my customer out, the man comes up to me, practically vibrating with indignation.

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just wanted to say that I think it smells terrible in here!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “It’s perfumed; it’s not natural air. I think it’s foul!”

He looks at me defiantly with his hands on his hips, clearly waiting for a response.

Me: “That’s… um… I’m… sorry you feel that way?”

He continues to glare at me. 

Me: “Was there something I could help you with, sir?”

Customer: “You should stop using whatever godawful stuff makes it smell like that!”

Me: “It’s not something we add on purpose, sir. We sell some scented products, so the smell of those is kind of generally around. For example, right now you’re standing next to some new soaps we just got in.”

Customer: “Hah!”

With that, he turns around and stomps out of the shop.

Coworker: “He just waited in line and stayed here longer to tell you how much he hates it in here?”

Me: “I’m going on my break.”

Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 4
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 3
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 2
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn

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