I was creating a billboard for a client that had a trucking school. They sent me a logo, the copy, and a photo of two semi-trucks side by side at a three-quarter view. I created a billboard and sent them a sample.

Client: “The boss doesn’t want both trucks in the billboard. Can you take out the black one in front and just leave the red one in the back?”

Me: “Can you send me a photo with just the red truck?”

Client: “Sorry, that’s the way the photographer photographed them. We don’t have any of the red truck by itself.”

Me: “Can you get me the keys to the red truck?”

I am working at the box office for a Broadway theater. We get a lot of tourists coming in with no bookings hoping to grab any spare seats, but it’s extremely hit-and-miss. If we do have some available, it’s one or two and usually not the best seats.

Our current production is proving popular as it stars an A-list Hollywood actor in their Broadway debut. It’s about a romance between a beekeeper and a quantum physicist, and the dialogue can get a bit heavy on the science.

A couple of tourists come in and ask me the usual question:

Customer: “Can we get two tickets for the show tonight?”

They said, “Can we get…” and not, “Are there any available?” They are just assuming there are last-minute spare tickets to a famous Broadway production on a Saturday night.

Me: “I’m afraid we’re totally sold out for this evening. If you’re looking for two tickets, we have some available at tomorrow’s matinee, but they aren’t together, and they are the final two available. If you’d like two together, we don’t have anything available until next week Tuesday.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You’re saying you’re sold out?!”

Me: “I’m afraid so. We are sold out for tonight.”

Customer: “Well, can we get some of the spare tickets?”

Me: “I’m sorry… Spare tickets?”

Customer: “You theaters always hold back some spares to be sold on the day or something!”

Me: “That is not the case here. Literally every seat is sold out for tonight’s performance.”

Customer: “I refuse to believe you don’t have any seats at all!”

Me: “We have zero seats available. None at all.”

Customer: “Look, just move some groups around or something, or designate one of the disabled seats as one for ‘normal people’ or whatever. Just get us two seats!”

I was being polite until now, but they just said that disabled people weren’t “normal” so the gloves have come off.

Me: “Sir, you should leave. I don’t think this play is suitable for you.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because this play delves deep into quantum physics and mathematics, and you can’t even figure out that zero does not equal two.”

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

Me: “Happy to.”

I pushed back from the box office desk and wheeled myself back to the phone using my wheelchair.

The tourists stared at me for a moment, tutted loudly, and just stormed off.

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 16
Math Is Your Friend, Part 15
Math Is Your Friend, Part 14
Math Is Your Friend, Part 13
Math Is Your Friend, Part 12

A forty-something-year-old gentleman and a lady come in and sit at the bar.

Customer: “I’d like a gin martini for myself and my companion.”

I make it and serve it to him, but his face instantly drops. He looks absolutely insulted.

Customer: “What the f*** is this?!”

Me: “You ordered a gin martini, right?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “That’s what that is.”

Customer: “But this glass is so unmanly!”

Me: “That’s a martini glass, as in the glass that was literally designed for the drink you ordered.”

Customer: “Get me a manly glass. This glass is emasculating me!”

I made one in a rocks glass, and he was fine.

Client: “Here’s the final copy.”

Me: “Are you sure this is the copy you want to run with?”

Client: *Angrily* “It’s the final copy! Run with it!”

Me: “If you say so. But just so you know, the copy says, ‘Keep your equipment ruining in top shape.’”

Client: “We both know it is supposed to read, ‘…running in top shape.’ Why would you use the copy if there’s a mistake?”

Me: “‘Final’ usually means final.”

Client: “Well, ‘final’ has a new meaning. Fix it!”

I work as a tech engineer for primary schools. Here I am, about three years ago, just promoted to Network Engineer from a service desk position, sent out to set up new Wi-Fi access points (APs) for a customer. The ticket states that their alarm system is fickle and I should steer clear of it.

No biggie: five APs. That’s about an hour of work, including configuring SSIDs and checking if they are placed conform to Sitesurvey. I send commands into one and… no connection. I check the IP I got from the DHCP server and it’s off.

Off to the patch cabinet, and lo and behold: in a world where 90% of all primary school devices use Wi-Fi, and 10/100 switches are a thing of the past, I find a 1000mbit fiber switch, functioning as a core switch to a stack of 10/100 UTP switches. Our firewall can be found here, as well, but no devices I can think of that could produce a second DHCP server.

So, I set a static IP in the subnet I got from this rogue DHCP server, and I manage to find a Gigaset VoIP box. I log in with the default credentials, and to my shock, it’s actually running a DHCP server and functions as a PPPoE modem toward an Internet connection no one heard of.

This is where the fun starts. I turn off the DHCP function and start configuring my APs. Halfway through, the alarm sets off. The customer is angry because I changed something. I’m flabbergasted.

I decide to go the “make the customer happy” way and go and fix it right this time. So, first things first: how is this alarm system configured? Luckily, VoIP and the alarm were installed by the same provider. Sadly, this provider sold all their alarm customers and all their VoIP customers to another third party. Both were unaware of what was actually installed due to a horrible handover.

The alarm company luckily can tell that they only have systems using IP to manage, and all they should need is a specific open port to the outer world. This goes against the interpretation of our customer, who is 100% sure the alarm uses a phone connection.

The VoIP company doesn’t have any information on the VoIP box I found and decides to just send someone to handle it and document everything to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Since the VoIP box isn’t in use, doesn’t contain any SIP information, and can’t be found, I decide to remove it from the network. These old switches, lacking proper ARP support, make this an old-school “let’s ping this and pull cables” search. But after eliminating this bugger and resetting the alarm and the actually used VoIP system, I’m finally ready to continue configuring the APs.

Done? No. The party that installed the APs neglected the request to remove the old ones from above the ceiling plates, probably due to a lack of documentation. (Note: we were not in charge of the old APs).

So, I track them down and remove these APs, which are covered in crusty mouse droppings. Never have I been so happy with a bar of soap and hand sanitizer.

When packing my stuff to leave, I hear the school head on the phone with one of our Relationship managers, complaining about the fact that I managed to set off the alarm and shouldn’t have touched it.

IT in primary schools is usually sub-par, but this school took the cake and complained about me after I fixed most of their issues, while not even being there for troubleshooting