I will never forget in all my years of retail, my encounter with the most stupid man on the planet.

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for signs that say ‘Keep dogs off the grass.‘”

Me: “Sure thing, sir. Right over here.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I need the ones dogs can understand.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “You know. Ones the dogs will understand.”

Me: “You mean… like, with pictures?”

Customer: “No, words are fine. Just make sure they’re something a dog will understand.”

Me: “Sir… dogs can’t read signs.”

Customer: “That’s why I said I need ones they’ll understand. Don’t you have those?”

Me: *Trying to make a joke.* “We… don’t have anything written in bark, if that’s what you mean.”

Customer: “Don’t be smart with me. I’ve seen plenty of signs for dogs. They exist!”

Me: “Right, but those are for the owners, not the dogs.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! But I live close to a dog park where there are lots of dogs off-leash, so the sign needs to make sense to them. Dogs are supposed to obey, right? I want a sign that they’ll obey.

Me: “…Sir, those don’t exist.”

Customer: “What’s the matter with you people? It’s not that complicated! Just get me a sign that dogs will obey!”

Me: “I… I’ll get my manager.”

A few minutes later, the manager walks up after I’ve relayed most of the confusing conversation so far.

Manager: “Hi, sir, I’m the store manager. I understand you’re looking for a specific type of sign?”

Customer: “Yes! One that tells dogs to stay off the grass in a way they can understand.”

Manager: “Alright… so you’d like a sign that communicates to dogs directly?”

Customer: “Exactly!”

Manager: “But dogs can’t read.”

Customer: “I know that!”

Manager: “Then how would a sign written in a human language help them understand?”

Customer: “Because it says it clearly! ‘Keep dogs off grass!’ What’s unclear about that?!”

Manager: *Pointing to a sign saying exactly that.* “So, this sign is not good enough?”

Customer: “I want that, but for dogs! This is getting tiresome!”

Manager: “I agree.”

Customer: “You think you’re so clever, huh? I just want a sign that works on dogs!”

Manager: “Sir, there’s no simpler way for me to explain this. Dogs can’t read signs, in any language.”

Customer: “I know that! Do I look like an idiot?”

Manager: “Sir, you look like you have a favorite flavor of paint.”

The customer blinks, frowning. I brace myself for a meltdown.

Customer: “…Paint doesn’t have flavors.”

To this day, I still have no idea what that customer was asking for. I don’t think he did either.

Customer: “Where’s your ice?”

Me: “End of aisle twelve, in the chest freezer by the exit.”

Customer: “Okay, but… which kind melts slower?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You know, some ice melts faster than others, the premium grade stuff. I need the slow-melting kind.”

Me: “We only sell standard bagged ice. It all melts at the same rate if it’s the same temperature.”

Customer: “That can’t be right. I know there’s a kind that melts slower.”

Me: “The only way to make ice melt slower is to keep it colder.”

Customer: “That’s not what I mean! I want the good kind. Like hotels have.”

Me: “Sir, ice is just frozen water.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! Hotel ice lasts for hours. It’s hospitality-grade! You telling me that’s not special?”

My manager has been nearby and heard the whole conversation.

Manager: “Sir, what you’re asking for isn’t a thing.”

Customer: “I’m just trying to buy the ice that doesn’t melt so fast. The fancy kind hotels use! Why is that so difficult?”

Manager: “Sir, all ice melts at the same rate under the same conditions. The trick is to keep it cold.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. If it’s all the same, why does hotel ice melt slower?”

Manager: “Because hotels have freezers?”

Customer: “No, freezers stay cold because of the ice! I can’t believe I have to explain this to a grown man.”

Manager: “Okay, sir, I’m gonna need your two brain cells to hold hands right now and really listen, okay? Ice is frozen water. It stays frozen as long as the temperature is below freezing, which is what freezers do. You take the ice out of the freezer, it will melt. That is all I can say on the subject. Our ice is where [My Name] said it was. Buy it or don’t, it’s all that we have.”

I guess the joke was on us, because the bagged ice cube brand we stocked was called ‘Premium Ice’, which he pointed at and said, “told you so.”

Related:
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 26
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 25
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 24
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 23
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 22

It’s 11:59 PM, and as always, we’ve got that one customer powerwalking through the door.

Customer: “I just need one bottle, real quick!”

Me: “Alright, but the register locks at midnight, so you’ll have to—”

BEEP.

The register screen flips to the after-hours lockout screen.

Customer: “What do you mean it won’t ring up? It’s only midnight!”

Before I can even answer, my coworker strolls by, calm as ever, and says his signature line:

Coworker: “Midnight comes at the same time every night. We’re closed.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Can’t you just override it? Pretend it’s 11:59 again?”

Coworker: “We don’t make the rules, ma’am, the rotation of the earth does. Now, if you’ll please excuse us, we’re all about to turn into pumpkins.”

I work in a gardening centre.

Customer: “Do you sell watering systems?”

Me: “We do! Were you looking for a specific design?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s wireless.”

Me: “Wireless, as in controlled remotely?”

Customer: “No, wireless as in no ugly tubes! I don’t want any tubes in my garden!”

Me: “So you’re looking for something that will be buried? We sell those, but they usually require—”

Customer: “—No! No digging up anything either! No hoses, pipes, or tubes!”

Me: “So you want a watering system without a means of transporting the water?”

Customer: “Everything’s wireless these days!”

Me: “Well, good news, ma’am, that is what the rain is for, and we all get that for free!”

She refused to believe that what she wanted was impossible until my manager explained it to her.

Customer: “Where are your non-cow eggs?”

Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

Customer: “Where are your non-cow eggs?”

Yup, I definitely heard it correctly the first time.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what you mean.”

Customer: “I want eggs, but I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “Eggs don’t have lactose in them.”

Customer: “Well, normal ones do. I want the non-cow ones. You know, non-dairy.”

Me: “Sir, I know our eggs are stored next to the dairy section, but it doesn’t make them dairy.”

Customer: “Listen, I know you think you know stuff, but if you’re not lactose intolerant like me you really should just let the customer lead on this one. Now, do you know where the non-cow eggs are, or do I need to ask someone else?”

Me: “By non-cow eggs, you mean eggs that haven’t been laid by a cow?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *Gestures to every egg we have.* “Sir, I can promise you on my own life, none of these eggs came from a cow.”

Customer: “Thank you! Was that so hard?”