Customer: “Can I use your Xerox machine?”

Me: “Of course. Let me help you get set up.”

I walk him over, and he presents to me a single blank sheet of paper.

Me: “Uh, is that what you want to copy?”

Customer: “Yeah. Make a hundred, please.”

Me: “But, that’s just a blank sheet of paper. If you wanted to buy blank paper, we sell packs over here.”

Customer: “But I want to save some trees.”

Me: *Customer service composure failing.* “Wha?”

Customer: “The machine makes copies, right? So, I’ll just get it to make a hundred copies of this one sheet! That way I’ll have a hundred sheets of paper and no more trees need to get cut down!”

Me: “Sir, when it says it makes copies, it means it copies what’s on the original sheet of paper and prints it onto new sheets of paper. Emphasis being on the new sheets of paper.”

Customer: “But it’s a copier, not a printer.”

Me: “Yes, but it doesn’t just create paper from nothing.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s not a replicator from Star Trek.”

Related:
Overheard In Space Dock

Our cruise has just passed the halfway mark, so we’re returning to Florida the same way we came. I’m greeting passengers as they enter the restaurant for breakfast.

Me: “Good morning, [Passenger]! Would you like your regular table?”

Passenger: “Sure, I’d love to—hey! What gives! You changed it!”

Me: “Changed what, sir?”

Passenger: “I liked that table because it gets the sunrise! But now the sunrise is on the other side of the ship!”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve turned around since yesterday, so—”

Passenger: “Put it back!”

Me: “Put what back, sir?”

Passenger: “The sun! I want the sunrise at that table!”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir. However, if you want to enjoy the sunrise, you can take a table on the other side of the restaurant. I can get you a table—”

Passenger: “No! I want that table! And I want the sunrise!”

Me: “As I said, I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir.”

Passenger: “This is terrible customer service! I’m going to complain to Guest Services!”

Me: “You are welcome to do that, sir.” 

I know someone in Guest Services, and told them that later on today they were likely to get “a real doozy” and that they should practise their explanations as to why [Cruise Company] cannot control the literal sun.

I work in a large department store in the camera department. We also sell a decent selection of telescopes.

Customer: “Which of these telescopes is right for me? I’m going way out where there’s no light pollution.”

Me: “That’s great! I can certainly give you some advice. Where are you heading out to stargaze?”

Customer: “I’m thinking a few miles offshore should do it.”

Me: “Off… shore?”

Customer: “Yup! Away from all the lights!”

Me: “On a boat?”

Customer: *Laughs.* “Well, I won’t be swimming all the way out there!”

Me: “Sir, you need to position a telescope on solid ground, where it can remain still and stable. A boat will be swaying too much on the water; you won’t get any useful stargazing done that way.”

Customer: “It’s okay, I’m going to install it on the top deck so it’s closer to the sky.”

He was serious. Well, I guess you don’t have to be smart to be curious!

Our city has a big annual festival, and it is currently in full swing. Our restaurant is on the main street, so our big plate glass windows get a good view of the crowds in the street.

At one of the prime window seats, a couple waves me over.

Customer #1: “Excuse me, this is ridiculous. There are too many people outside.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. [Main Street] is the busiest spot in the city right now.”

Customer #2: “Well, they’re loitering right in front of us! Look at them, just standing there while we’re trying to eat. It’s very off-putting.”

Me: “I’m afraid there’s not much I can do about the sidewalks, sir. That’s city property.”

Customer #1: “But surely you can make them move along? We should be able to eat in peace.”

Me: “This weekend is kind of the opposite of peace; it’s the city’s biggest festival. Some compromise is usually required.”

Customer #2: “Oh, we know. We came for the festival!”

There’s a moment of silence as I stare at them, the irony hanging in the air.

Me: “Well, congratulations! Then you’ve got the best seat in the house for the very thing you came for!”

They blink, still baffled, while I head back to the kitchen, shaking my head.

A woman comes through my self-checkout lane with a few groceries. When she’s done paying, she heads over to the nearby freezer to grab the bag of ice she rang up on the produce menu. She pulls open the door, then immediately calls out across the floor.

Customer: *Yelling.* “I paid for my ice! Where is it?!”

I walk over and check for myself. The freezer’s empty.

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re out here. There might be some in the other freezer by the far entrance. Do you want to check there?”

Customer: “I don’t wanna walk all the way across the store. You go.”

I go. Sure enough, that freezer’s empty too. I come back.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We’re out of ice completely.”

Customer: “Well I paid for it! What am I supposed to do?!”

Me: “The best option is to get a refund from customer service. I really do apologize for the inconvenience.”

Customer: *Actually stomping her foot like a child.* “I don’t WANT a refund! I want my ice!”

Me: “I can grab a manager—”

Customer: “—I don’t want a manager! I want the ice!”

Me: “Then I don’t know what else I can do for you.”

Customer: “Go make ice, you idiot!”

Me: “I can’t. I’m not Elsa.”

Customer: “F*** this place!”

She storms out without ice and without a refund. A coworker nearby is smiling.

Coworker: “Guess she finally… let it go.”