A guest comes down to the front desk in the middle of the afternoon, looking bleary-eyed.

Guest: “Where’s the breakfast buffet?”

Me: “Breakfast ended four hours ago.”

Guest: “Then reopen the kitchen.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but breakfast service is over.”

Guest: “I paid for breakfast! Set the buffet up again.”

Me: “The buffet is included during the posted breakfast hours. We can’t reopen the kitchen and set up the entire buffet for one guest several hours later.”

Guest: “This is terrible service, but I shouldn’t be surprised considering how bad my room is.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Guest: “I specifically asked for a sunset room, but I haven’t seen the sunset once.”

Me: “Is something obstructing the view?”

Guest: “No. We’re always out when the sun is setting, and we never get back in time.”

Me: “The front desk can tell you what time sunset will be so you can plan to return before then.”

Guest: “That’s not good enough. This hotel needs to do something about it!”

Me: “Well, considering I can’t control when breakfast happens inside our own hotel, I doubt we’ll have any more luck in controlling what time the sun sets, but I can pass your request up the chain if you’d like.”

Guest: “You don’t control much, do you?”

Me: “My limits are breakfast, time, and space, I’m afraid.”

Guess who was an hour late checking out at the end of their stay? Some people just have interesting relationships with time…

I’m a flight attendant. Mid-flight, a passenger in the upper-class cabin calls me over.

Customer: “I want another ginger beer.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve run out.”

Customer: “Are you getting any more delivered?”

I just looked at him for about three long seconds and then said:

Me: “Not until we land at our destination.”

Customer: “You’re not going to get any more in before then?”

I looked at him for another three long seconds.

Me: “I’m going to let you think about that one…”

In my fifteen-year career, that was the closest a passenger has made me get to losing my cool. I’ve handled fights, medical emergencies, and drunken assaults, but that single moment of pure idiocy really set me back…

A customer approaches me in the aisle that contains the paper shredders.

Customer: “So, this one has an undo button?”

Me: “An undo button?”

Customer: “Yes. In case I shred something by mistake.” *Points.*

Me: “Oh, that’s just the reverse button.”

Customer: “Then what does the reverse button do?”

Me: “It runs the blades backward to help clear a paper jam.”

Customer: “…?”

Me: “It reverses the blades. It doesn’t reverse what they’ve already done to the paper.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. My computer can undo things.”

Me: “A computer can undo digital actions. A shredder physically cuts paper into pieces.”

Customer: “But this is an electric shredder.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So it has a computer in it.”

Me: “It has a motor and some basic electronics, but it can’t reconstruct a destroyed document.”

Customer: “There must be one with an undo function.”

Me: “We don’t have any with that function. They don’t exist.”

Customer: “So what do I do if I’ve shredded the wrong document?”

Me: “I’d double-check the document before it goes in the shredder.”

Customer: “As usual, you’re putting the responsibility on the customer. Typical.”

Customer: “I want a skinny long black.”

Me: “A long black is just two espresso shots in water.”

Customer: “I know! I want that but skinny!”

Me: “Skinny implies making it low-fat or low-carb, but it’s just coffee and water. Zero fat, zero carbs, five calories or so from the coffee itself. It can’t be any skinnier.”

Customer: “So the five calories come from the coffee? Can’t you do calorie-free coffee?”

Me: “Not possible, ma’am.”

Customer: *Deep sigh.* “Well, if that’s the best you can do…”

This would have been bad enough, but after she had her first sip, she made a grimace and then went over to the counter and added about three sachets of sugar.

I’m managing a B&B on the California coast.

Guest: “I tried to do some sightseeing today, but it was so foggy. Can you do something about the fog?”

Me: “Like what?”

Guest: “Blow it away with a big windmill or something.”

Me: “Do you see a big windmill attached to the hotel?”

Guest: “Yeah, but you might have one at the back. Aren’t all you West Coasters all about the environment and all that hippie s***?”