Putting Those Texts Into Context

, , , | Romantic | October 2, 2017

(My partner’s brother got married about two months ago.)

Partner: “His texts all have an undertone of happy to them! He’s clearly still in the newlywed phase!”

Me: *because I’m a terrible person* “Would you say they have an… afterglow?”

Partner: “Ew! No! My brother is a priest! He has a Master’s degree in the New Testament!”

Me: “That doesn’t make him a priest, you know. He needed that for the private school he works at.”

Partner: “Lalalala, not listening! My brother is a priest and no one can convince me otherwise!”

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Mother Of Bridezilla

, , , , | Friendly | September 28, 2017

I live in a small town, opposite a church. The road is very narrow, and my driveway is just across from the church entrance. I’ve had churchgoers park across my driveway, in my driveway, and even on my parking space on our premises, because they are too lazy to walk the 200 metres from the church parking lot, but this one time really took the cake.

I wanted to go to work and found a horse-drawn carriage blocking the road. Apparently there was a wedding going on and the bride wanted to leave the church in style. I still had some time, so I went back inside. Fifteen minutes later, the carriage was still there and no sign of the bride, so I asked the driver if he could move back a bit so I could get my car out of the driveway. He was really nice about it and started to manoeuvre the horses backward, when suddenly the bride’s mother came running out of the church. She started screaming at me that I was ruining her daughter’s wedding. She kept yelling and cursing, telling me that I would go to Hell for being such a spiteful, inconsiderate b****.

I was running late by now, so I just got in my car and drove off, and she was still in the middle of the road screaming when I turned the corner.

I know weddings are stressful, but jeez, lady! Relax!

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Keeping Things Clean In This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | September 28, 2017

(My partner has severe OCD. Thanks to a particularly disgusting scene in a certain movie about a hotel for dogs, they get sick if human hair wraps around their hands, feet, or face. It’s worse if they find hair in their food. Normally, I have to clean the shower drain before they can use it. On this day, I’m feeling really sick. I lie down and pass out for a while. When I come to, I hear the shower running.)

Me: *thinking* “That’s weird. I guess it was clean enough?”

(I walk over to the bathroom and start laughing. My partner has their head over the edge of the tub, and is trying to scrub as best they can.)

Partner: “Oh! Hi! I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to shower.”

Me: “Aww, thanks for letting me sleep.”

Partner: “Of course! You need your rest when you’re sick.”

Me: “I love you.”

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How To Survive A Testing Restaurant

, , | Working | September 26, 2017

(I live in a very small, rather remote town; as such, we only have one fast food joint that’s open late. The service is terrible; the wait times are long, they get something wrong at least every second order, and their staff is rude. But because they lack competition, they get away with it. It’s 11:30 pm, and a friend and I are grabbing something to eat before going out. I already dread the expectation of having to deal with that restaurant, but my friend tells me to watch and learn. He goes up to the counter and orders a complicated and unusual order. All of a sudden, the employee acts really friendly, he receives his order before me and most of the other people waiting, and he even gets a couple of extra sauces for free. We sit down. Contrary to my meal, his is even correct.)

Me: “Wow, that’s new! How did you do that?”

Friend: “Before moving here, I worked at another restaurant of the same franchise. That’s the order they had us memorize, even before hygiene rules. It’s the order test customers use.”

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Everyone Should Know The Condom-minimum

, , , | Learning | September 22, 2017

(Since my mum is very progressive, I’ve been given a very in-depth Sex Ed talk, long before my school ever covers the topic. I’ve also been taught not to be embarrassed about it all, and to speak my mind if I feel unwell about anything. During the actual Sex Ed class in school, the very awkward teacher spends less than an hour giving us information, and then brings in some obviously sponsored “goodie bags” for all students; girls get a box full of tampons, pads, some acne treatment, and a razor, while boys also get razors and acne treatment, as well as deodorant and condoms.)

Me: “What does acne have to do with Sex Ed?”

Teacher: “We’ve discussed any kind of changes your body goes through during puberty, and obviously, acne is a big part of that.”

Me: “All right; that makes sense. But why do only boys get condoms?”

(By now, half the class is giggling.)

Male Classmate: “[My Name] wants condoms! Who you wanna f***, eh?”

Me: “We just now talked about how it’s important for both partners to care about safe sex! It’s not just the boys’ job to bring protection!”

Teacher: “All right, we’ve got some boxes for boys left over; you can have one if you want.”

(Cue “[My Name] wants condoms!” being chanted from random classmates.)

Me: “It’s not about ME wanting condoms; it’s about the fact that you just taught us one thing and are now doing the exact opposite! It doesn’t make sense!”

Teacher: “You do have a point. Next time I’ll make sure condoms are included in both boxes. Are you happy now?”

(The class went on normally after that, but I was “Condom Girl” for about a month. At the same time, a few classmates came to me to ask questions they were too embarrassed to ask in class. What I didn’t know myself, I later asked my mum and transferred the info. In a way, my mum gave “The Talk” to about half my school year, just because she taught me to speak up about safe sex. Years later, I’m still the most educated on the topic in my group of friends, and have had to explain quite a few basic things to already sexually active adults.)

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