(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)

Customer: “[My Name]… Is that really your name or just a name tag?”

Me: “It’s my real name.”

Customer: “Want to see something funny, [My Name]?”

Me: “Sure!”

(The customer proceeds to lift up his shirt to reveal a tattoo just above quite a sensitive region that says “Property of [My Name]”!)

Me: “Oh, wow!”

Customer: “Yeah, that was a mistake.”

Me: “Ex-girlfriend?”

Customer: “Got it in one.”

Me: “That’s why I’ve vowed never to get a partner’s name tattooed.”

Customer: “I have ten girl’s names on me. Oh, wait, nine. I got one covered up.”

Me: “Well, we all make mistakes.”

Customer: “Yeah… Some of us nine or ten times more than others.”

(I love that he had such a great sense of humour about it!)

(I take a second job working the overnight shift at a 24-hour gas station and convenience store. It is my first time ever working third shift. Around three am, while preparing coffee and pastries for the morning rush, my mind starts to wander.)

Me: *thinking to myself* “I wonder what some of these customers stories are. Like, what’s going on in your life that you wander into a gas station at three am on a Tuesday morning? It would sure be interesting to get to know some of these people.”

(Then, just as I turn around and face the front of the store, a rusted out, windowless van pulls up to the gas pumps. What appears to be a little old lady climbs out and approaches the store. As this person gets closer, it becomes clear that this is no lady. This is a man, with full beard (in other words, not even trying to fool anyone) in a thrift store dress, sensible ladies shoes, white gloves, and your grandma’s purse draped over his arm.)

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: *in the sweetest little old lady voice* “Just a coffee, regular, please.”

(He was very polite. I didn’t get the sense that this was some sort of prank or anything. Just seemed like that’s what he’s into. I’m not bigoted in any way and support all kinds of lifestyles, but remembering what I was thinking just before he walked in, I now thought “I REALLY want to know this dude’s story!”)

(A man walks in, really frustrated.)

Man: “Do ANY of your fuel pumps work?”

Me: *stares at the other people outside using them, plus my screen which shows all green* “Um. Yes. All of them. Which one are you on?”

Man: “I’m on ten!”

Me: “Ten is operative.”

Man: “My wife just came in and it’s not working!”

Me: “Did she pre-pay?”

Man: “No!”

(Unsure of why it was then relevant to mention it, I relent.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’ll come out and we’ll see why it’s not working for you!”

Man: “Good!”

(We walk out and he lifts the nozzle, selects the grade, and tries to pump.)

Man: “See! It’s BROKEN!”

Me: “Actually, sir, you didn’t scan your loyalty card. See the screen? It says to scan it, first.”

Man: “WHY?!”

Me: “It’s part of the process.”

Man: “This is RIDICULOUS! So how do I pump fuel?! I don’t have one of these cards!”

Me: “Well, you can come inside and prepay.”

Man: “This is stupid! You don’t even SAVE anything on your gas! ”

Me: “Sir, you save at least $0.03 a gallon with the card or $0.10 for every $50 you spend in our store.”

Man: “Uh. I’m an INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN! I know these things and yeah, that is just a FLUKE! You don’t save anything!”

(Never mind what he said made no sense. We get inside to pay.)

Me: “So how much do you want to prepay?”

Man: “Six dollars. Where do I BUY one of those cards anyway?”

Me: “They are free at customer service across the lot at our main store.”

Man: “Yeah. I’m not doing that.”

Me: “Here, I will scan this courtesy card so you’ll save $0.03 off per gallon anyway.”

Man: “Why do you have to scan that card first anyway?”

Me: “Because if we didn’t, people could pump gas and drive off without paying and we have no way of finding them. With the card, if anyone drives off, we have their address and number and we can find them and collect.”

Man: “Oh.”

(And I ring him up and hand him his receipt.)

Man: “Yeah. I’ll pump that six dollars and put the rest of my gas on my credit card.”

(The man walked out and I burst out laughing. After six dollars, he was back to square one, got angry, and drove off.)

(I am waiting for my tank to fill when I suddenly hear yelling across the aisle and see two women at two different pumps.)

Woman #1: “Move your d*** car! I want to get out of here!”

Woman #2: “I can’t move my car; it’s still fuelling up. You can easily move around my car.”

(She gestures towards the vacant area next to her car that is big enough for a car to pass through if need be.)

Woman #1: “My car is too close! It will hit your car. Just move!”

Woman #2: “Why can’t you just go into reverse and give yourself more space to move out?”

Woman #1: “I shouldn’t have to move for you. I asked you to f****** move your car and you’re gonna f****** move your car. Now!”

(The manager of the gas station walks over and tells Woman #1 to just put her car in reverse and move or he would call the cops. She does so, but rolls down her window, flips them off, and throws a cheeseburger at Woman #2’s car while driving away.)

Woman #1: “Got you, b****!”

Manager: *to [Woman #2]* “That burger doesn’t look like it will come off easily. You will need a deluxe wash.”

(He signals his coworker to ring her up.)

Manager: “On the house.”

(Apparently, he signalled a coworker a gesture meaning “give the customer something for free.”)

(The gas station where I work has several “lost and found” credit cards due to customers leaving them in the chip card readers. Usually the customer will call to see if we have their card and if we do we tell them to come in with an ID and they can have their card returned, but the ID must match the name on the card. This situation usually happens at least once a week.)

Customer: “Can I see your lost and found credit cards, please?”

Me: “Did you lose a credit card? If you have an ID I can check if your card is here.”

Customer: “No, I just need to see the lost and found cards. My [Relative] lost their card and I told them I would look for it.”

Me: “Sorry, but I cannot let you just look at the cards. If you tell me the name I can see if we have the card and they will have to come in and show ID to claim it.”

Customer: “[Relative] does not have ID. Could I just look for their name in the cards?”

Me: “Not without an ID matching the name on the card.”

Customer: “Well, I’m [Local Political Officer].”

Me: “And I’m Sigourney Weaver. No ID, no card.”