(I am working as a receptionist. One evening my colleague and I observe some unusual behaviour with three or four different gentlemen requesting a specific room number. That’s usually a good indication of having someone making “business” in your hotel. With the last gentleman:)

Gentleman: “Hello, I have a friend in room [same number as previous gentlemen].”

Me: “Certainly, sir, could you please tell me the guest’s name?”

Gentleman: “[Female Name].”

Me: “Thank you, sir, but unfortunately the name I have for that room is different. Would you be able to call that person to ask her to meet you here in the lobby?”

Gentleman: “Sure.”

(The gentleman calls the lady. They are talking on the phone and are three meters apart. I realise they are talking to someone they have never seen before; they soon realise and they go upstairs to her room. After about an hour the gentleman leaves and the lady asks me for a coffee. I serve her coffee and take payment.)

Me: “Madam, I’m sorry, but I need to talk to you in private.”

(I escort her to our office and close the door.)

Me: “Madam, I’m really sorry, but I have reason to believe you are making business in our hotel and we cannot allow it for obvious legal reasons.”

Lady: “Business? What business?”

Me: ”It can be either prostitution or drugs, madam, and we cannot allow it here.”

Lady: “Oh, no, no, no. I would never do anything like that! You are wrong; I’m just a normal guest meeting friends.”

Me: “Meeting friends you don’t even know how they look? A bit unusual.”

Lady: “…”

Me: “Madam, look. You have paid so you have the right to stay here. This is your life and I don’t judge you for your choices. However, if I see any more signs of activity I will be forced to ask you to leave the hotel.”

Lady: “Absolutely. I am not making any kind of business.”

(She goes up to her room. Five minutes later she calls reception:)

Lady: “Hi, we spoke a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Hello.”

Lady: “Can I please just have one last client coming up?”

Me: “No.”

Lady: “What if I give you £20?”

Me: “No.”

Lady: “Oh, okay.”

(The lady left the hotel a few minutes later.)

(I overhear the following:)

Cashier: “Good afternoon!”

Customer: *grunts*

Cashier: “Do you have a loyalty card?”

Customer: *grunts*

Cashier: *again* “Do you have a loyalty card, sir?”

Customer: *aggressively* “I don’t talk to losers like you.”

Cashier: “Oh, well, you can f*** off, then. SECURITY!”

Customer: *to nearby assistant manager* “Did you hear that?”

Assistant Manager: “Yes, didn’t you? F*** off, now.”

Customer: “I demand to speak to the top manager!”

(The top manager pops up from nowhere.)

Manager: “Didn’t you hear my staff? F*** off; you’re banned from here.”

(A few days later, I saw the same manager and asked whether they’d had any comeback from the incident. Apparently, the a**hole customer complained to corporate, who told him that no, he wasn’t banned from the store; he was banned from every [Store] in the country. They also entered his details into the aggressive-customer database shared by all the major chains, so he’s now banned from all supermarkets in the local area.)

(I provide IT support for a real estate company that covers a large part of the southeast of England. One day I am providing support for a colleague when the following happens.)

Me: “Can you let me know the error message you’re getting on the screen?”

(My colleague is unable to describe the error message.)

Me: “Okay, if you can send me a screenshot of the error, I think I know the problem.”

(My colleague sent me a screenshot that consisted of the following: a print screen of the error, pasted into Word so it was shrunk portrait, printed out, scanned, and saved as a .tif file. The file was then attached to an email and sent to me. The colleague is a lovely person but really struggles when it comes to common sense.)

(I’m serving behind the register when a woman approaches the till with her shopping, complaining the entire time about our air conditioning — how it’s too cold, blowing her hair all over the place, etc. I explain to her the reason why the store has its temperature so low — the building is largely made of glass and the heat generated spoils the food — and the transaction finishes. I begin to serve my next customer when the woman stands DIRECTLY UNDER the air conditioning unit, blocking the entrance to the store, and yells:)

Customer: “You know, when you stand under here, it blows straight up your nose and it’s just awful. Awful!”

Me: *my patience is running incredibly thin* “Yeah, well, we have to stand under it for hours on end, so…”

Customer: *points at our automatic door* “You should have this open all the time now; it’s a beautiful day outside and you don’t need it closed all the time. Then, when this door is open you can take all of this mess out.” *points at the air conditioning unit’s metal pipes* “And it won’t blow up people’s noses anymore.” *leaves store*

Me: “…!”

Other Customer: “Oh, my God. Did that just happen?”

(We have a new person in the office who claimed to be an Excel expert when she applied. While her role doesn’t require using the software, one manager decided to take advantage of her skills and have her redesign an allocation sheet for one of his divisions. She agrees to help and spends an entire day working on it instead of doing her actual duties. I go up to her, asking if she wants a cup of tea. However, she looks quite stressed.)

Me: “Is everything all right?”

Colleague: “Yes. It’s just this allocation sheet. It’s very complicated and demanding. I think someone is going to have to pick up my work until I’ve finished.”

Me: “You should only be doing that once you’ve finished the work you are required to do. I think [Manager] would understand.”

Colleague: “Clearly you don’t understand anything. This requires a lot of concentration! I can’t just do an odd hour here or there.”

Me: “What are you trying to do? I’m quite good at Excel myself. Maybe I can help.”

Colleague: “No, it’ll be way above your head.”

Me: “Try me.”

Colleague: *sighs* “In this column here, I’m making all the boxes write in bold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Colleague: “And that’s very time-consuming.”

Me: “You’ve spent a day making all the cells in that column bold?”

Colleague: “Yes.”

Me: “And how have you been doing it?”

(She then selects a single cell, right-clicks it, clicks on “Format Cells,” then the “Font” tab, and then “Bold,” before clicking “Okay.”)

Colleague: “Understand why it’s taking so long?”

Me: “And you’ve been doing that one cell at a time? Why don’t you just select a group of cells at a time, or better yet, just an entire column?”

Colleague: *confused* “What?”

Me: *pointing at the column head* “Click there.”

(She does and her eyes practically bulge when the entire column changes colour. I then navigate her to the “Home” tab and tell her to click the “B.”)

Me: “Everything in that column will be in bold now.”

Colleague: “I… I need a break.”

(She gets up and turns. The manager she was making the sheet for has been stood behind us long enough to understand what’s just happened. He says he won’t be needing her help anymore, and she leaves for the kitchen.)

Manager: *whispering to me* “Even I know how to bold a f****** column.”

(This revelation spread like wildfire in the office, and while no one is outright bullying her, no one trusts her with a PC, resulting in her no longer being needed.)