(I work for a marketing agency which promotes magazines, etc. I have a colleague who is very hot-headed and lacks judgment.)
Colleague: *on an outbound call* “WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING HI TO ME? YOU MUST HAVE SAID IT SEVEN TIMES! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”
(Inevitably, a few seconds later I hear:)
Colleague: “WHAT ARE YOU SWEARING AT ME FOR?”
(And another few seconds:)
Colleague: “CALM DOWN; THERE’S NO NEED TO SWEAR!”
(One of my long-term friends has a pretty unconventional way of doing things, and this unusual streak runs through every aspect of his life. He tells me this story about a conversation he had with his girlfriend at home.)
Friend: “[Girlfriend], we need to talk about something.”
Girlfriend: “Sure, what’s on your mind?”
Friend: “I don’t think I want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”
Girlfriend: “Sure, so what do you want to talk about?”
Friend: “I’m being serious; I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore.”
Girlfriend: “Er… what?”
Friend: “Yeah, I just felt it wasn’t working, so, yeah, we’re going to have to reevaluate things between us.”
Girlfriend: *getting pretty angry* “Are you even going to give me a reason? You can’t just stroll in and dump me and expect me to fine with it. Are you seeing someone else?”
Friend: “Not at all. I just don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore…” *gets down on one knee and produces a ring* “… because I’d much rather have you as my fiancée, instead.”
Girlfriend: *in tears and borderline hysterical* “YOU A**HOLE! YES!”
(He then calmed her down and took her out to her favourite restaurant for a meal. I told him that the fact she didn’t at least backhand him for that is proof that they’re made for each other.)
This story is part of our Proposals roundup!
Read the next Proposals roundup story!
Read the Proposals roundup!
(I work for a utility company in a department called “aged debt.” Basically we handle all accounts where we have not had payment for 18 months or longer.)
Customer: “I want to speak to a manager right now!” *continues shouting incoherently so I have no idea what is actually wrong*
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to put you through to a manager, but I need to know what the problem is first, or they won’t take the call.”
Customer: *sighing irritably* “Fine. I got a nasty letter from you saying I haven’t paid my bill and I owe you all this money, but I paid you. How dare you send me threatening letters telling customers they haven’t paid when they have?! I’m going to sue you for harassment and defamation!”
Me: “Oh. I’m terribly sorry, sir. Can I get your account number so I can look into this?”
(The customer begrudgingly gives me details, and I see that, true to his word, his balance is at zero.)
Me: “Yes, I can see your balance is paid. Do you have the letter with you?”
Customer: “Yes, I have it in my hand right now.”
Me: “What is the date on the top corner of the letter?”
(The customer reads the date and it turns out that it was sent out the day before he paid the bill off in full.)
Me: “The letter was sent the day before you paid. It can take three to five days to receive them. It just crossed in the post. I’m very sorry, sir. Please disregard it. I can confirm your account is all paid and up to date, and no further letters have been issued.”
Customer: “So, you think it’s okay to threaten customers who paid?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but as I said, the letter left our office the day before you paid. At that time, you did have a balance.”
Customer: “Well, I want to be refunded all the money I paid, to compensate me for the stress of having to read a letter that you never should have sent.”
Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but as I said, that letter went out the day before you paid the bill. By the time you did pay it, it had already left the office.”
Customer: “That’s not good enough! I demand compensation!”
Me: *now getting a little irritated at the cyclical conversation* “There wasn’t anything we could have done, unless you think we should have chased the mailman and taken it from him before it got delivered to you.”
Customer: “Don’t be f****** stupid. Just don’t send out letters that say customers haven’t paid when they f****** have.” *hangs up*
(I’m on vacation in London with a friend and we are using the tube. We are German, but as we both lived in Ireland for a while and love British movies and television, our English skills are pretty good. As we chat about our plans for the day in German, I notice two middle-aged ladies sitting opposite from us, looking at us rather annoyed. My friend chatters on about the museums we are visiting today, but I can’t help but listen to the conversation in the seats opposite from us.)
Lady #1: “…and you can’t even go on the tube anymore without hearing every kind of jibber-jabber language. Germans, I can hear that all right.”
Lady #2: “Did you hear how they are trying to make [some English name] bow to their will in Brussel? They know the EU will suffer from losing us.”
Lady #1: “I’m sure they are happy about it. Then they can go back to their old ways, heil Hitler and everything. Mark my words: it’s a Nazi Europe out there without us, and we are better off the earlier we can rid us of that.”
(My friend stops talking as she notices me intently listening and looking at them. They notice me, too, and are — correctly I might add — a bit embarrassed. Then [Lady #1] goes for the rescue.)
Lady #1: *very polite with big smile* “Hello, do you speak English?
Me: *nods* “A bit.”
Lady #1: *very cheery* “Are you here on holiday? I heard you speak German; I learned some in school, back in the day. So, guten Tag und gute Reise! Haha, that’s all I remember!”
(I breathe deeply and answer, with my very best British accent:)
Me: “Well, that’s marvelous and good for you. But I would advise you to keep the Nazi-talk and ‘heil Hitler’ out of any German conversation, if it’s not a critical historical discussion. It is even punishable by law to use ‘heil Hitler’ in public, even in jest. I hope you are able to visit Germany one day, but I am not sure how it will work with non-EU citizens in the future. I’m sure you will be able to figure something out, should it ever come to that.”
(They did not find any more words before getting off at the next stop, rather hurriedly. For the record: this was the most memorable thing for me, as I have never EVER had any other Brit be that impolite to me before or after that in my life. I really would love them to stay in the EU, if only so I can keep visiting without a visa or whatnot.)
(I am a duty manager at a five-hotel near Soho, helping at the bar and restaurant when needed. I see a table has finished their main course.)
Me: “How was your meal?”
Guest #1: “Excellent.”
Guest #2: “I didn’t like my dish.”
Me: “Aw, really sorry about that. What was wrong? Would you like something else?”
Guest #2: “It tasted too much of rice and mushrooms.”
Guest #1: “You should have thought of that before ordering the wild mushrooms risotto.”
Me: “Um… Dessert?”
