(I get a call from a woman who hasn’t paid her gas and electric account in twelve months. We are starting the process of taking the account to court to obtain a warrant to forcibly fit a prepayment meter.)

Customer: “Hi. I was calling to make a payment, but I wanted to ask for a settlement. My credit card company offered me a settlement; they took off 50%. If you take that off, I will pay you now in full.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t do settlements.”

Customer: “Don’t lie. Every company does settlements.”

Me: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. You can only get settlements on certain types of debt, and utility bill debt is not one of them. If you can only afford to pay half, I can put the remaining balance on a payment plan.”

Customer: “I’ll have to look at my finances and call you back later.”

(The customer hangs up. Thirty minutes later, she calls back and gets through to me again.)

Customer: “Hi, I was speaking to a young lady a while ago ,and I’m calling to take up her offer of settlement; she said if I paid in full today you would take 50% off.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid that’s not possible. We do not do settlements.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not what the young lady I spoke to earlier said. I was promised a settlement. If you promise something you have to do it; now I demand my settlement!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no way you were promised a settlement.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you’re calling me a liar? I know what I was told. The girl I spoke to promised me a settlement if I paid in full today. So, you either give me what you promised, or I never pay a single penny.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am the person you spoke to thirty minutes ago, and I know for a fact that I told you several times that you cannot have a settlement on an outstanding utility bill. I am looking at my notes right now.”

Customer: “Liar! You promised a settlement.”

Me: “These calls are recorded. I can prove exactly what I told you.”

(The customer hung up. I made my notes and informed my manager of the call, because I suspected the customer would call back and try and pull a fast one. I was right. The customer called back all day trying to get through to a different advisor, each time claiming somebody promised her a settlement. She paid in full about a week later, but lodged a huge complaint, claiming that everyone was lying to her and that I should be fired for making false promises. She even tried to say one of the advisors called her a b**** when they thought they had put her on hold. Call recordings and extensive notes came to the rescue and we were able to refute every claim she made. Eventually she gave up.)

(I work in a hardware shop. Yesterday was a bank holiday. I was working that day, as were the part-timers. A customer sets down his order, but then his phone rings, and he answers it. A new coworker comes and asks me for help finding something. I go and show him. When I come back my customer hangs up.)

Customer: “Sorry about that. It’s Monday morning; what can I say?”

Me: “It’s Tuesday, sir.”

Customer: “Is it really?”

Me: “Yesterday was a bank holiday.”

Customer: “Did you enjoy it?”

Me: “I was here.”

Customer: “Oh. Sorry. The day has already been long.”

Me: “I feel you; it’s like that here today.”

(I process the transaction.)

Customer: “I know it’s Monday, but enjoy the rest of your shift.”

Me: *a little crestfallen* “It’s still Tuesday, but I’ll try.”

(I work in a charity shop. We can only sell items that have been donated to us. An elderly customer walks in and starts looking at our shoe display.)

Customer: *holds up a shoe* “What’s the size of these?”

Me: *busy with a line of customers waiting to pay* “I don’t know, I’m afraid, if you look in the other shoe there will be a tag with its size.”

Customer: “You work here; you should know.”

(Another customer from the other end of the shop goes to help the lady as I cannot leave the till in the middle of a transaction. He tells her the shoe is a size 8. She huffs and puts the shoe back. She appears right beside me, almost behind the till, as I’m still serving other customers and thrusts another shoe in my face.)

Customer: “Size?”

Me: “I’m really sorry but I am busy with other customers. If you can just wait while I finish here I’ll be happy to help you with looking for shoes.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(She walks off. About ten seconds pass and I am still serving a line of people.)

Customer: “These. What are their size?”

Me: “I am really sorry but I am busy here and cannot help you right this moment. If you’re struggling to read the sizes, why don’t you pick out some that you like and I’ll help you in just a moment.”

(She appears in my face again and thrusts another shoe at me, almost hitting me.)

Customer: “Size. Now.”.

Me: *gently pushes the shoe away from my face* “As I have said, I am busy. Please wait and I will help you when I can.”

(By now, the customers waiting to be served have been waiting a lot longer than they would usually have to because of this woman and are now, like me, starting to get annoyed.)

Customer In Line: “For god’s sake, wait! She’s told you she is busy. And stop putting shoes in her face.”

Customer: “This is none of your business. I need to know shoe sizes. I will wait by the shoes.”

(I smile at the customer who stood up for me and thank her. She tells me I am an asset to the shop for putting up with the woman so well, and then leaves.)

Me: *walks out from behind the counter and to the shoes* “What size are you looking for?”

Customer: “Six.”

(I look at all the shoes after establishing she wants a lace up pair and find we have none that fit her.)

Customer: “Go look in the back. You always have more in the back.”

Me: “Ok, then.”

(At this point I am grateful for the opportunity to get away from her for a minute and tell the manager for the day what has happened.)

Manager: “Well, the only lace up shoes we have back here are too big or too small.”

Me: *smiles* “What a shame!”

(I go back out to the shop and tell the customer we have no shoes to fit her.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I need shoes!”

Me: “Unfortunately, as s a charity shop, we can only put out and sell what’s donated to us so if someone with size six feet who likes lace up shoes doesn’t donate their old shoes we can’t sell any.”

Customer: *throws shoe she is holding* “For f*** sake!” *starts walking out of shop*

Me: “Have a wonderful day!”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(I recently bought a new house and have been doing DIY to fix it up. I realise while fixing things in the bathroom that I need a small plastic component that goes inside the toilet cistern, without which it won’t flush properly. As this is quite urgent — it’s the only toilet in the house — I jump straight into my car and go to the local plumbers’ merchant. When I arrive, the gate into the car park is bolted but not locked. Bear in mind that it is two pm on a Friday, and their posted opening hours are until five pm every day. I unbolt the gate and walk into the store. I begin to hunt for the plastic part that I need when I’m accosted by a staff member.)

Employee: “How did you get in? The gate was locked.”

Me: “Well, no, it wasn’t. It was bolted. Aren’t you open?”

Employee: “No. We are doing stock check.”

Me: “Your posted hours say you’re open until five.”

Employee: “Haven’t you ever heard of stock check?”

Me: “Yes, I have.” *taken aback because he’s being so condescending* “It’s just that most shops do it outside of their opening hours. Can I just get this part, please?”

(He grumbled and sold me the part I need. I got out of there quickly. I think they were trying to get off early on a Friday afternoon!)

(Our college is part of a local bus card scheme. Students pay a £5 deposit and are eligible for discounted fares on local buses. However, students in receipt of a college bursary are entitled to have the deposit waived. A parent has come in to hand in a form for the bus card for her son.)

Parent: “I’ve been told that I just have to write ‘bursary’ on the front and it will be free.”

Me: “If your son is receiving bursary, then yes, you would be entitled to have the fee waived. Has he been approved for it?”

Parent: “No, I can’t get hold of them.”

Me: “Okay, not a problem. We can hold onto the form until it’s approved. When did the application go in?”

Parent: “I haven’t applied for it yet! I can never get hold of anyone!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. In that case, you would have to either pay the £5 deposit, or make the application for bursary and return the bus card form when that has been approved.”

Parent: “For God’s sake, this is so complicated! It’s like pulling teeth! Why can’t you just send the form and tell them the bursary is approved?!”

Me: “Because that would be fraud, madam.”