I have a coworker who used to try and get me to do her job. She would always volunteer in private to perform a task and then inform me that “we” were doing it, which just meant me. She was eventually caught and reprimanded for it. Now, like a first-grader who doesn’t want to do their homework, she sits there sulking in an attempt to guilt-trip and/or annoy me into doing whatever she volunteered to do. Instead, I have engaged in taking what she says literally so as not to drive myself crazy.

Today, she wants to “ask” me to pick up a contractor who has been out of the country for three months visiting their mother. I sometimes gave this contractor rides in the past if they missed their bus as they do not have a car.

Coworker: “[My Name], have you been to [Contractor]’s new apartment?”

Me: *Truthfully* “No. I haven’t.”

The keyword is “new.” I have been to their old apartment but I don’t know if or where they moved or if they have been subletting that apartment in their absence.

Coworker: “So, you haven’t been to their new apartment?” 

Me: “No.”

Coworker: “Well, I was just wondering how far away they were and where they were located.”

Me: “Sorry, I cannot help. I do not know where their new apartment is.”

Coworker: “Well, I guess I am just going to have to pick them up once they get back and settled.”

Me: “Okay.”

Coworker: “It is going to be a pain because I live so far away and I have no idea where their new apartment is in conjunction with work. But I don’t want them taking the bus.”

Me: “Sounds like a plan.”

Coworker: “…”

For the record, if the contractor had asked me personally if I could give them a ride, I would’ve said yes. However, said coworker decided to volunteer someone from the company to drive them to be a “good little soldier,” so now she gets to drive them herself!

I am by no means a professional photographer, but while on vacation, I took a photo of a waterfall and liked it so much that I had a large print made to hang on my office wall. One day, the coworker we’ve secretly dubbed “Actually” Man stops by my office. His superpower is his firm belief in knowing more than everyone else and his inability to keep himself from correcting them, even when they’re not wrong.

Coworker: “Hey, I love the photo of the Lower Falls on your wall.”

I’m filled with internal glee because I know what’s coming.

Me: “That’s the Upper Falls, [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Actually, the Lower Falls are easily identifiable as they’re one of the tallest waterfalls in North America and are surrounded by the distinctive colored rock walls of the canyon.”

Me: “Do you see any distinctively colored rock around those falls?”

Coworker: “No, but I’d recognize the Lower Falls anywhere.”

Me: “Apparently not. Those are the Upper Falls.”

Coworker: *Sneer* “Oh, yeah? And how do you know?”

Me: “Because that’s where I was when I took the photo.”

He stared for a moment and then left my office without another word.

I sent an office message to my other coworkers, bringing out a favorite quote from “The West Wing”: “Victory is mine, people, victory is mine. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. I have rendered ‘Actually’ Man unable to correct!” 

From the office next to me, I heard, “Huzzah!” There was a muffin on my desk when I came back after lunch.

I just started at a new company. I needed a second mouse for travel and was told by my manager to call [Employee] to get one.

Around 1:00 pm, I called [Employee].

Me: “I need a travel mouse. Where are you? I’d be happy to come by your office to pick it up.”

Employee: “No. I’ll come to your office to drop it off.”

She insisted. I had not seen her by 5:00 pm but chalked it up to her being busy.

The next afternoon at 1:00 pm, I still didn’t have my mouse, so I called [Employee] and asked about the mouse, again offering to come to her office. She became somewhat agitated on the phone.

Employee: “I dropped one off already!”

Me: “I didn’t see it anywhere. Maybe you dropped it off in the wrong office? My office is—”

Employee: “I couldn’t possibly have put it in the wrong office. Look behind your desk, under your chair, and in your desk drawers.”

I couldn’t find it anywhere, so she said she’d bring me another one and rather blatantly implied that she thought I just hadn’t looked hard enough.

By the next afternoon at 1:00 pm, I still had not seen [Employee] or my extra mouse. I called her again asking about it. This time, she blew up at me.

Employee: “I’ve brought you two mice! What keeps happening to them? Maybe your officemate is stealing them!”

Me: “Are you sure you’re not going to the wrong office? My name isn’t on the door yet.”

She became livid and said, loudly enough that my officemate heard her through the phone, that she would be in my office in five minutes, and then hung up before I could verify what office she was going to go to.

Fifteen minutes later, she walked in, announced that she had been putting the mice in the wrong office, handed me a mouse, and left again.

I’m a paid tax preparer. I have a habit of making educated guesses about clients and, when I’m correct, saying that I’m mildly psychic.

One of my coworkers is very “anti-phooey,” to use his own words. He often gets very upset with me and tries to lecture me on how I cannot possibly be psychic, how it’s all fake, and how I should just admit it and stop pretending.

He’s right that it’s fake, but… frankly, it entertains the clients, it’s none of his business, and some of the choice words he uses in his hours-long lectures upset me.

I have a wide web of contacts, so I arrange for one of my coworkers to come to me as a fake client. Since she’s in on the joke, I have a great deal of fun with her, pretending to read her palm and explaining my “charms” to her — I wear some jewelry just for that day. I can see my angry coworker seething in the next cubicle over as I work my charms on a knowing victim.

Finally, I peak by “psychically intuiting” the amount of her W2 and entering it into the computer without opening her letter.

This triggers my angry coworker, and he barges into my cubicle.

Coworker: “There is no way. There is no way you can psychically gather someone’s W2 information. None. This is all wrong. You’re going to have to delete it and redo it. Do you want to come work with someone who isn’t a charlatan, ma’am?”

Me: “But wait! Before you call me a charlatan, check the numbers!”

Of course, they are spot on; we downloaded her W2 from the company website, and I entered it that way while pretending to be psychic.

My angry coworker splutters, quite flummoxed.

Coworker: “What?! How?!”

Me: “Magic.”

It was totally worth the resulting trip to human resources after my angry coworker’s frustrated bellowing attracted the attention of the entire office. All three of us got written up.

[Coworker] joined the team before we all started to work from home. I’ve met her twice and can’t stand her. She’s opinionated, she will force her opinion on everyone, and she is generally willfully ignorant of the world around her.

I had completely forgotten about her until I had to go back on site. The team decides to meet for lunch. I get there late and find only one chair left, next to [Coworker]. I fake a smile and sit down.

[Coworker] is already giving a speech about something inane.

Boss: “Well, yes, err… thank you, [Coworker]. How is everyone else?”

A few murmurs of general positive comments come from the group.

Boss: “Just one point of business, I promise, but while you are all here… while we are on video calls for the company, please can we remember that there is a dress code of sorts?”

Groans come from everyone.

Boss: “Now, now, I’m not asking for full business wear, but you need to be presentable; please, can we wear clothes and keep basic hygiene in mind? Hair brushed — you know, the basics.”

I’m a bit surprised that he has to bring this up. Everyone I’ve spoken to is professional and knows the basics of being in a business. Then, I find out who has the issue.

Coworker: “Well, I don’t think the company can tell us what to wear in our own home. It’s hot; I can’t wear my normal clothes!”

Boss: “Again, I’m not expecting you to. I wear a T-shirt and shorts. I’m just asking everyone to be presentable.”

Coworker: “Well, I don’t see the rule that working from home I have to…”

She continues for several minutes about off-topic and barely relevant points.

Boss: *Getting frustrated* “Your contract states that you must wear smart and presentable clothes. Okay? So smart and presentable clothes, please.”

Coworker: “But I think—”

Boss: “No, not think. Not open for discussion. [Coworker], please wear appropriate clothes.”

Coworker: “I don’t see why I am being singled out.”

Boss: “I’m not singling you out. I am making myself clear, as you seem to need additional explanation. [Coworker], please wear appropriate clothes when on video calls. Everyone, please wear appropriate clothes when on video.”

Coworker: “Then I will need additional breaks so I can get changed before each call.”

Boss: “No. Okay, [Coworker], we need to talk privately.”

I asked around after lunch, and it turned out that [Coworker] had been working in her stained pyjamas, even in video calls with senior management. There were even rumours of her bottoms falling down (mostly off-camera) as she bumbled around on video when she was supposed to be paying attention.

Eventually, they made her work in the office because of all the complaints. Thankfully, she manages to get dressed now.