Client: “My daughter has taken a college English course and she says that every instance of ‘that’ needs to be ‘which’ and the opposite in all instances in the book.”

Me: “Actually, they’re all correct as is, honoring the standard ‘that’ for restrictive and ‘which’ for non-restrictive. For example, it would properly be, ‘The dog that my aunt had, which was a mixed breed, was named [Dog].’ If one were to follow your directive above, it would incorrectly read, ‘The dog which my aunt had, that was a mixed breed, was named [Dog].'”

Client: “She took a college English course.”

Me: “With all due respect, I majored in it, plus I have thirty years of editing experience.”

Client: “I’m sure the rule has changed since you were in college. Maybe you should take a refresher to catch up on current rules.”

I billed for the hours I’d spent and gently ended my association with that (not which) project.

I am a freelance web developer.

Client: “My site is down. What did you do?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t done anything in a while. Can you get to Google dot com?”

Client: “No. Why did you take Google down, too?”

A client is upset that the animated .gifs from his site aren’t animated when printed out. I’ve tried to explain that it simply isn’t possible.

Client: “Why are you lying to me? I know it’s possible! Have you not seen the moving posters and pictures in Harry Potter?!”

I’m trying to schedule an appointment with a client who “absolutely needs to see me ASAP.”

Client: “I don’t know a set time. I may want to go to the gym and stuff. Just keep your phone on, and I’ll call you a half-hour before I want to meet.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I have other commitments and other clients I need to meet with that day. If we could set a time, that would be appreciated.”

Client: “Fine! Why don’t we all just work around your schedule?!”

A client sent in an ad to run in the newspaper. Unfortunately, the ad was not proportioned correctly for the space purchased.

Me: “The ad you sent me is nine inches wide and four inches tall. You’ve indicated that you want it to run five inches wide by ten inches tall.”

Client: “That is correct. Can you just change it?”

Me: “Well, luckily, the layout is easy to manipulate, and you didn’t put any text in it.”

Client: “But I want it laid out like that.”

Me: “I can’t squeeze a nine-by-four ad into a five-by-ten ad without changing something. The proportions are all wrong.”

Client: “But my friend told me Photoshop has a magic wand! Just use that.”

Me: “That tool won’t work for this. I still have to—”

Client: “Look, if you won’t leave the artwork exactly as it is, we’ll take our business to someone who knows how to do their job.”

He then hung up on me.