This exchange takes place five weeks after launching a client’s new online store.

Client: “You need to fix your mistake and honor your warranty — right now!”

Me: “Of course. I’ll just need some details.”

Client: “A customer sent me this message: ‘I put a coupon into your site, but I was still charged full price. Why?'”

Me: “What coupon code did your customer try to enter?”

Client: “It’s right there on his receipt!”

Me: “Sorry, but I don’t have access to his receipt.”

Client: “I’ll forward it to you.”

He does.

Me: “Okay, I see the problem. During checkout, he entered the coupon code ’10OFF’ in the field labeled ‘Shipping Address 2.’ Obviously, he should have entered it into the box labeled ‘Apply Coupon Code’.”

Client: “How are you going to fix this?”

Me: “Sorry, there is nothing I can do. This is not a fault of my programming.”

Client: “You’re terrible at honoring a warranty!”

Client: “I uploaded the Twitter background you sent over, but it’s all blurry.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll take a look… Yeah, that’s strange. I’ll create it in a higher resolution.”

I test it and send it again. An hour later…

Client: “It’s still blurry.”

Me: “I’m really struggling to understand why. It’s fine when I upload it.”

Client: “Could it have something to do with me resizing it in MS Paint?”

Me: “Hey, I never received a response to the proof I sent earlier today. I’m just checking to make sure you got it.”

Client: “Nope, I never received any email.”

Me: “I just sent it again.”

Client: “Nothing. I can’t receive email!”

Me: “Have you got an Internet connection?”

Client: “No, it’s gone off.”

Me: “Then you won’t be able to receive your email at the moment.”

Client: “You really need to get a better system.”

Client: “This HTML email template you did doesn’t work.”

Me: “But you approved it three months ago.”

Client: “Yes, but one of my staff changed it, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, they broke it?”

Client: “No, what you supplied didn’t work.”

Me: “Then why did you approve it?”

Client: “It did work, but now it doesn’t. Please fix it now.”

Me: “You want me to fix the mistakes your staff made?”

Client: “They didn’t do anything.”

Me: “You just said—”

Client: “I need you to fix your mistake immediately.”

Related:
Someone Always Loses When You Play The Blame Game

I recently had to fire one of my biggest clients. Simply put, he was horrible in every way a client can be; he was disorganized, he ignored submission guidelines, he never signed proposals, etc. He was incredibly condescending, as well.

After I explained the many reasons why we could no longer work together, he admitted that I was right. He came by my regular work (I freelance in my free time) to drop off my last check. He walked in with his ninety-year-old mother.

Client: “Go on, Mom. Ask her.”

The client’s mother (who clearly was not all there) told me that it was her last wish for her son and me to continue working together. Extremely livid at this tactic, I tried to be as nice as possible while saying no.

The kicker? The check he gave me wasn’t the full amount he owed.