Client: “We need this done right now.”

Me: “So, does that mean you’re sending the assets and copy changes I need to make the changes right now?”

Client: “No!”

Me: “So, should I wait until you do?”

Client: “No, I need this pamphlet finished right now.”

Me: “So, there aren’t copy changes and new images to include?”

Client: “There are…”

Me: “But you’re not sending those right now?”

Client: “No, we’re not.”

Me: “So, you want me to send the previous version?”

Client: “No, we want the new version with the copy changes and new images.”

Me: “I think you and I aren’t understanding each other.”

Client: “What do you mean?”

Client: “I like your work so far, but the picture of my product should be bigger.”

Me: “But it’s already taking up most of the space, and the text is being squeezed into a tiny space.”

Client: “Who cares about text? Nobody reads the text; the picture is the important part. Make it twice as wide and twice as high.”

Me: “That’s not possible. The picture would be about thirty inches wide, and this poster is eighteen by twenty-four inches.”

Client: “Your point being?”

Me: “I can’t make the picture twice as big; all of it it wouldn’t fit on the poster.”

Client: “Nonsense. Just center the image really carefully.”

Me: “I re-sent you that invoice from a few months ago, with the additional stuff you asked for: detailed line items, the contract reference number, and a copy of my driver’s license. Will I be seeing a check soon?”

Client: “I think you formatted it weirdly, and accounting gets really pissed about that. Did you send it as a PDF? They hate that. They might have thrown it out.”

Me: “This seems like something I should have been told.”

Client: “Well, they don’t actually tell us if they do that. Anyhow, I’ve got to go; it’s payday and I’m out. You know the feeling, right bro? Good luck with accounting!”

Client: “I don’t remember the answer to my security questions.”

Me: “That’s fine. You can just type whatever you want into the answer boxes three times, and then it will email you a password change request.”

Client: “You want me to type what?”

Me: “Just gibberish. It doesn’t matter; I just want you to get past the security questions.”

Client: “Okay. How do you spell ‘gibberish’? I want to make sure I put it in right.”

I’m working on a very complicated print project for a client who wants daily updates on my progress.

Me: “Here’s the latest update of [Promotional Magazine].”

Client: “On page three, you’ve put our web address. Is that clickable?”

Me: “It’s a printed magazine.”

Client: “So, it’s not clickable?”

Me: “It’s a printed magazine.”

Client: “Oh, yeah! I get it! Can you add instructions for readers to write the address down on a piece of paper?”

Me: “It’s a printed magazine.”