I used to work in an e-marketing role for a small book publisher. Publishers are in many ways ‘my people’ (I love books) but in many ways also… not.

For example, trying to explain that they couldn’t just upload a book cover in 300 Dpi to a website field that was 150×250, and expected something far more reasonable like 72 Dpi… Yes, the HTML/CSS squished it to the desired size on the webpage, but it wasn’t like the big social media sites of today, which process the images on the fly; it would still be the full size ‘squished’ into a small box.

Their refusal (and it was refusal; these people preferred Quill and Ink over typewriters…) to learn the basics, coupled with their insistence they could manage their own authors in the modest web-shop this company ran, would come to bite them, hard, one day.

Bear in mind that the following took place after me sending warnings that it would happen through every channel, every day, for weeks.

They had a deal with a hugely popular website to publish a theme book based on the website’s core business of frat boy humor.

They made a landing page for visitors of said website to order.

On said page, they put the cover of the book; A4 format, 300 Dpi.

Again, against all my warnings.

So, one fine morning, I arrived at work, took three steps up the steep Dutch stairs to my office.

Someone shouted: “We are live!”

I counted out loud: 3… 2…

Someone shouted: “The website is down!”

They didn’t heed my advice any better after that.

Still, great people, my people… except for tech-savvy.

My wife and I own a small book publishing company. Our books are sold at bookstores both online and offline. However, we also have our own web shop on our homepage, where customers can order books. 

In the past, we had problems with our postal carrier not delivering reliably, but we have since upped our game and mostly send only via registered mail. We stick the shipment number to the customer file/invoice to keep track of the package.

Last preface note: All shipments contain the invoice.

One day, we got a call from a customer claiming the shipment didn’t arrive.

Customer: “I want my money back!”

Me: “Okay, I need to find your file to figure out what happened. Do you have your invoice or customer number?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s 12345.”

Me: “Thanks, let me have a look.”

I didn’t realize I asked for the customer or invoice number at first, because I was dealing with a cold and my brain didn’t work that fast. I mean, normally you wouldn’t ask that when you hear that the shipment was lost, right? But it proved to be quite ingenious… because when I noticed that this customer was a first-time customer, it clicked. 

He couldn’t have told me the invoice number unless it arrived with the package, as we don’t send out invoices via e-mail. However, I decided to play along for the maximum humiliation.

Me: “It says the package arrived yesterday, the carrier says it was delivered to the original recipient. Do you have a spouse or a family member living with you?”

I know sometimes, the carrier enters into the system that it was delivered to the original recipient when in fact, a relative or spouse has accepted the package.

Customer: “No, I live alone.”

Gotcha.

Me: “Okay, sir, let’s finish this up. The carrier says it was delivered to you, and I can prove it to you.”

Customer: “And how are you going to do that?”

Me: “Can you read me your customer number from the invoice?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s… oh.”

Me: “See? You can only give me this information when you have the invoice, which is sent to you with the book you purchased, proving you DO have the book. What I am gonna do is I will lock your customer account and make a note that you are banned from shopping in our online shop for attempted fraud. I wish you a nice day.”

I’m working on a graphic design for a publisher. The boss is micromanaging over my shoulder as I work on a computer. He wants a smooth, colorful gradient of blue going to yellow for the body of a logo.

I do that, and the boss looks at it and frowns for a moment.

Boss: “Can you make it so that blue mixing with yellow doesn’t make green?”

I’m a freelance editor, and I get a lot of work from novelists. This happens every time I’m contacted by a new client.

Client: “Hi there. I have a novel I’d like to have checked before I send it to publishers.”

Me: “That’s fine. I charge £45 an hour, and as long as the manuscript’s somewhere near ready, this sort of job usually takes twelve to eighteen hours. The quickest way is to send it to me as a Word-compatible file, and I’ll use ‘Track Changes’ so you can see exactly what I’ve done.”

Client: “Please find attached my manuscript as a locked PDF. My [agent, mate at the pub, mum, etc.] said this was the format publishers like.”

Every time, I try to explain why this is unnecessarily hard to work with. Every time, they ignore me. And every time, they’re baffled that the job takes longer than I said it would and that they have to make the suggested corrections themselves.

I’m currently trying to make a name for myself as a freelance illustrator. I was approached through Instagram about an illustration job for a novel.

Client: “I’m looking for an illustrator to make eight illustrations plus a cover design for a book I’m writing! I really like your work, and I think it would fit what I’m looking for!”

Me: “So, nine complete illustrations?”

Client: “Correct.”

Me: “I charge about $60 for complete illustrations, so the total for all nine illustrations would be about $550.”

I’m still trying to build a client base, so cheap prices bring people in right now.

Client: “Okay, let me put together a contract, and I’ll get back to you.”

The client put together a contract and emailed it to me. The whole thing looked good so far. I’d told them that I would not sign the contract until I had been paid upfront for the work.

A few weeks later, I got another message from the client.

Client: “I know we talked about a payment of $550 for the illustrations, but I found another illustrator who is willing to do them with less detail for $450. Would you still be willing to the same amount of detail for $450? I need an illustrator who is affordable and serious.”

Me: “I would love to help you bring your vision to life, but getting paid less for my work would go against my moral standing as an artist. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am, and I cannot compromise what I believe my art is worth.”

Client: “I know exactly what you mean. I’m working very hard on my novel, and I wouldn’t cut any corners myself.”

Me: “Thank you for understanding. I’m looking forward to working with you!”

Client: “Oh, no. I’m going with the other illustrator. It’ll save me 100 bucks!”

Me: “…”