Client: “You told me the site was updated, but you lied; it’s not. FIX IT ASAP!”

Me: “It is updated. See the attached screenshot; that is my current view.”

Client: “You did that in Photoshop or something. It’s not updated.”

Me: “Have you hit ‘refresh’? Or tried emptying your disk cache?”

Client: “I don’t know how to do that.”

Me: “Just Google ‘empty disk cache’ for the name of your system and browser you are using.”

Client: “If I knew how to use Google, then what the h*** would I need a web designer for?!”

I was doing house cleaning and life organizing for a… man. He tried to have me snuggle him while on the clock. I quoted a rate three times higher for that, and he complained that he could get a massage from one of those “Oriental girls” for that price, so I should at least make out with him.

I could have just called him a dirty old man.

In any case, he has an in-law unit he wanted to rent out to make passive income. He wanted my help finding a tenant because he only wanted to rent to a single woman in her twenties.

I asked why. I regretted asking because he apparently had a fantasy that he would woo the tenant and they would live happily ever after.

I signed him up for a dating website instead and spent quite a while, on the clock, helping him sound worth dating. I even took a nice picture where he looked cute. He is rotund and balding, with less than ideal hygiene. He sort of looked like a frog normally, but frogs can be cute.

When I returned to work next, he complained that no one had responded.

He was only looking at women under thirty. I set his search parameters to between fifty-five and seventy-five since he was at least in his sixties. 

He complained that older women weren’t attractive. I told him he needed to learn to see their beauty or get really comfortable being alone.

I also suggested that he look in the mirror before going on the website, every time, and then aim for a similar level of attractiveness.

I didn’t keep working for him long after that.

My phone rings at 11:30 pm.

Client: “I can’t see the website! Can you put [My Partner] on the phone?”

Me: “She’s in bed.”

Client: “That’s unacceptable. Can you get her up?”

Me: “Let me have a look at the site first.”

I visit the website and hit refresh, and it all looks fine.

Me: “I can see it just fine. Did you type in the domain name correctly?”

Client: “Yes, of course I did. I have an investor from overseas calling to see the site. This is unacceptable! The site should be working.”

Me: “I’m certain it is. I’m looking at it on another machine now.”

Client: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Can you double-check the address?”

Client: “You think I don’t know my own web address?”

Me: “No, but it’s worth making sure—”

Client: “I’ll sue you if you don’t get the site working.”

Me: “Humor me and spell out the web address for me.”

Client: “It’s fine.”

Me: “It’s also midnight. Mistakes happen.”

Client: “‘[Website] dot A I.’ See? Happy?”

Me: “Yes. It should be ‘dot A U’. Good night.”

Client: “I have this stuff I got from work — spares and stuff. I need a website where I can put pictures of it up and sell it, possibly where people can bid, like an auction.”

Me: “You mean eBay.”

Client: “Yes, just like that.”

Me: “Why not use eBay, then?”

Client: “My boss might see the stuff I have.”

My dad is a photographer, this is his most recent client:

Client: “So I need you to come and shoot some stuff in the city. We need you to get some great content shots. I don’t know how to compensate your time but if you get me some great shots it would help get more exposure on your photography!”

My Father: “I’ve been nominated three times for a Pulitzer. I’m so exposed I could be naked.”