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Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2009

(I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

Other Customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

(Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

Little Old Lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

Other Customer: *storms off*

She is now a regular of mine!

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The Oracle At Register Five

, , , , | Right | July 7, 2009

(I’m helping out a backup cashier as he checks a customer out.)

Me: “Corn is 4078.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What are the melons?”

Me: “4050.”

Coworker: “Thanks!” *punches it in* “What’s watermelon?”

Me: “4032.”

Customer: “What’s the winning lottery numbers?”

Me: “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be working here!”

Customer: “It was worth a shot.”


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The Next Bachelorette

, , | Right | July 2, 2009

(An elderly lady walks into a clothes store. She is wearing an exceedingly bright hat with a large, floppy flower on it. She obviously likes the hat very much because she looks at herself in every mirror she walks by.)

Employee: “You sure look spiffy today, ma’am!”

Elderly Lady: “Young man, I look spiffy EVERY day!”


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Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

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He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

, , , , , | Right | June 22, 2009

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

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