Brotherly Love Is Always Cool

, , , , | Related | April 18, 2020

I’ll be in a different country for a month because of a college project. I’m still living with my family, and my brother has some friends over as I’m walking out of the door with my suitcase. 

Trying to look cool in front of them, my brother barely acknowledges me as I wave goodbye. Then, one of his buddies slaps him on the shoulder.

Friend: “Dude! She’s going overseas, not to the corner store! At least give her a hug!”

I got my hug.

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No Better Time For Wine

, , , , , | Related | April 13, 2020

I am quarantined at home with my family, given the current health situation. It’s pretty boring after a while, so I decide to rearrange the house. My daughter keeps me company with her laptop while I sort through the liquor cabinet.

Me: “Hey, baby, look! We have some [Expensive Wine]! We should open it one of these days, don’t you think?”

Daughter: “Hmm? Yeah, sure…”

Me: “I’m serious! Can’t let it go to waste; it’s pretty good.”

My daughter looks up from the screen, smirking.

Daughter: “Mama, that’s what you said when you got it. Every time we get a wine bottle, we just stick it in that cabinet for a couple of years and then regift it to someone. Face it; we’re pretty boring people.”

I can’t be mad at her. She’s right.

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When People Are Too Lazy To Even Read Comic Books

, , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(I used to work at a comic book store. One day, only my manager and I are working on an early morning. An excited customer comes in.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, I just saw a [Superhero] poster outside! Do you have that movie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell any movies or DVDs. That’s actually a comic book series.”

Customer: “Is it good? Do you have it?”

Me: “It is awesome, actually. But unfortunately, we’re sold out. You’ll have to wait until the trade paperback comes in.”

Customer: “Okay, but when does the movie go out, then?”

Me: “That’s not a movie, sir.”

Customer: “So, you don’t have it on DVD?”

Me: *sighs* “No, sir.”

Customer: “But it will be? When will you have it?”

Me: “It is a comic book, sir. And I don’t think it’s going to be a movie. Ever.”

Customer: “So, it isn’t on DVD?”

(I’m trying to gather all the patience I’ve got.)

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer: *smiling* “Okay, I’ll come back later today to see if you’ve finally got the DVD!”

(Finally, he leaves and I turn to my manager.)

Me: “Please, let my shift be over for today.”

(He just laughed at me.)

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It Made Cents To Just Stick To The Original List

, , , , , | Working | November 12, 2019

It’s my first day working at a very small office. I don’t really have a specific role; I just do whatever is needed. My boss asks me to make a “shopping list” with all the office supplies we’ll need during the month, and their respective prices taken from the stores’ websites. I present a list of $208 worth of items. 

The next day, my boss takes the list but goes to a completely different store that I hadn’t considered in my research, and ends up buying other things. Between these discrepancies and some sales, her total spending comes up to… $208.10. She laughed and said she should’ve taken me to the casino for good luck.

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Allow Me To As-cyst You

, , , | Healthy | November 8, 2019

(I’m a licensed nurse. I work at a hospital, and I also make some money on the side by assisting a dermatologist at a private clinic when she needs an extra pair of hands for surgery. This patient has a cyst under the skin beneath her hair.)

Patient: “You have done this before?”

Me: “Sure! It’s actually pretty simple. We make an incision on your skin right here, drain the cyst, clean around, and sew you back up. I’m going to numb the area, so you won’t even feel a thing.”

Patient: “All right, then.”

Me: “Uh… look, honey, I’m going to have to shave your hair — a tiny spot right here — so that the doctor can see. I know, I know you won’t like that — no girl ever does — but I have to. Don’t hate me!”

Patient: *shrugs*

Me: *cuts the hair, and shaves the area*

Patient: *completely deadpan* “Oh, no, look at what you’ve done. Now I hate you.”

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