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WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG. WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG.

, , , , , , | Learning | March 26, 2021

We’re in a Zoom class. One of my classmates doesn’t mute her microphone before trying to get her dog to leave the room.

Classmate: “Out! No! No, girl! Out! Out! Bad girl, let go of that! No! No! Out! Vade retro, canus!”

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My Cupholders Are So Deep Without All Those Coins!

, , , , , | Related | January 30, 2021

Day 294 of quarantine, yay. I’m paying for a delivery that doesn’t accept cards for whatever reason.

Me: “Hey, [Daughter], do you have change for a $100 bill?”

Daughter: “I haven’t even seen cash for almost a year.”

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Brotherly Love Is Always Cool

, , , , | Related | April 18, 2020

I’ll be in a different country for a month because of a college project. I’m still living with my family, and my brother has some friends over as I’m walking out of the door with my suitcase. 

Trying to look cool in front of them, my brother barely acknowledges me as I wave goodbye. Then, one of his buddies slaps him on the shoulder.

Friend: “Dude! She’s going overseas, not to the corner store! At least give her a hug!”

I got my hug.

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No Better Time For Wine

, , , , , | Related | April 13, 2020

I am quarantined at home with my family, given the current health situation. It’s pretty boring after a while, so I decide to rearrange the house. My daughter keeps me company with her laptop while I sort through the liquor cabinet.

Me: “Hey, baby, look! We have some [Expensive Wine]! We should open it one of these days, don’t you think?”

Daughter: “Hmm? Yeah, sure…”

Me: “I’m serious! Can’t let it go to waste; it’s pretty good.”

My daughter looks up from the screen, smirking.

Daughter: “Mama, that’s what you said when you got it. Every time we get a wine bottle, we just stick it in that cabinet for a couple of years and then regift it to someone. Face it; we’re pretty boring people.”

I can’t be mad at her. She’s right.

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When People Are Too Lazy To Even Read Comic Books

, , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(I used to work at a comic book store. One day, only my manager and I are working on an early morning. An excited customer comes in.)

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, I just saw a [Superhero] poster outside! Do you have that movie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t sell any movies or DVDs. That’s actually a comic book series.”

Customer: “Is it good? Do you have it?”

Me: “It is awesome, actually. But unfortunately, we’re sold out. You’ll have to wait until the trade paperback comes in.”

Customer: “Okay, but when does the movie go out, then?”

Me: “That’s not a movie, sir.”

Customer: “So, you don’t have it on DVD?”

Me: *sighs* “No, sir.”

Customer: “But it will be? When will you have it?”

Me: “It is a comic book, sir. And I don’t think it’s going to be a movie. Ever.”

Customer: “So, it isn’t on DVD?”

(I’m trying to gather all the patience I’ve got.)

Me: “No, sir.”

Customer: *smiling* “Okay, I’ll come back later today to see if you’ve finally got the DVD!”

(Finally, he leaves and I turn to my manager.)

Me: “Please, let my shift be over for today.”

(He just laughed at me.)

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