(I’m bringing some used motor oil to an auto parts store to be recycled. Depending on who’s working at the time, they may take the oil for me, or they might have me go in the back and pour it out myself. This time, an employee escorts me to the recycling tank. Each time this is done, there’s a log that needs to be filled out. We get to the part regarding “quantity” when this happens.)

Employee: “So, how much?”

Me: “Well, this says gallons, so let’s say one.”

Employee: *indicating my container* “That’s one?”

Me: “Well, it’s five quarts, and there are four quarts in a gallon, so it’s a little more than one.”

Employee: “So…”

Me: “We can say one and a half, because that’s gallons.”

Employee: “So, four?”

Me: *giving up* “Sure.”

This story is part of our Pi Day Math roundup!

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(A customer calls to tell us that her Check Engine light is on two months after we replaced a sensor on her vehicle.)

Customer: *very condescending* “This is very inconvenient for me; I have to work! What is the latest I can bring it in and have you address the issue?!”

Me: “I don’t know how long it will take to address the issue, because we don’t know what’s wrong with it until we check the code. What is the earliest you can bring your car in?”

Customer: *yelling* “You’re not listening to me! What is the latest I can bring it in and have you address the issue?!”

Me: “What time do you finish working?”

Customer: “Two pm.”

Me: “Would 2:30 work for you, then?”

Customer: “I suppose I could do 2:45, but there had better not be anything else wrong with my car! I fully expected to not have to do anything to my car for the next three years, at least!“

Me: “We’ll see you tomorrow, ma’am.”

(I finish a job for a customer and give him his invoice.)

Me: “The amount will be [amount].”

(The customer pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to me. I notice it’s got a chip, so I stick it into the chip reader.)

Customer: “That chip won’t work; I disabled it. I told them when I got the card I didn’t want any d***ed chip.”

(I look at the credit card reader, and sure enough, it tells me the chip isn’t working. I use the option to swipe the magnetic strip and the transaction goes through.)

Me: “Yeah, I think all new credit and debit cards are going to the chip rather than the magnetic strip.”

Customer: “It’s just so the government can track you. I told them I didn’t want to be tracked, so I didn’t want a card with a chip in it.”

Me: “Well, if they want, they can still track your purchases when you just use a card to buy something.”

Customer: “I didn’t mean tracking me when I buy something; the government is tracking people using the computer chip they put into credit cards. I disabled mine so they can’t track me. They do it with fake cell phone towers.”

Me: “Oooookay.”

(The customer signed the receipt and left. I stepped outside and looked up in the sky for black helicopters.)

(I am a telecom technician. I have been sent to troubleshoot an Internet issue for an auto parts store in Maryland. I eliminate all customer equipment as possibilities and call the service provider, who insists they can see the connection up at the “smart jack,” a box at the end of their cable inside the building. Anything before that point is their problem; anything after that is mine.)

Me: “Yeah, [Line] is down on 20- to 30-minute intervals, and the customer is pissed; they use VoIP phones, and without Internet, customers can’t call them and they can’t look up parts.”

Tech: “I can ping the smart jack, sir.”

Me: *unplugs smart jack* “Humor me; is it still up? We’re testing for a periodic issue.”

Tech: “Just a minute. Yes, it is still up.”

Me: “That’s some magic trick.”

Tech: “I’m sorry?”

Me: “Well, I just think it’s amazing you can ping a smart jack that’s not turned on.”

Tech: “…”

Me: “Tell you what. How about a vendor meet?” *as in, I meet their technician at the site and we work together to fix the issue*

Tech: “All right, sir, does tomorrow at nine work?”

Me: “Perfect. Please be on time, though; I have four other work orders that day.”

(I show up at 8:40. Come 9:30, I call in to ask where their technician is. After some confused techs pass the phone around, I learn the vendor meet was never scheduled. They redirect a tech to me with an ETA of 11 am. Come 12:30, there is still no tech, and I reschedule for tomorrow at 9:00. Nearly the same thing repeats, until eventually:)

Me: “Where is your technician? They’re overdue by hours! Again!“

Provider Rep: “They said they were onsite, sir.”

Me: “The parking lot is the size of a basketball court. They’re not here.”

(Just then, I see a van trying to leave the cul-de-sac, with the provider’s name on the side. I hang up and flag him down.)

Me: “Are you the tech I’m meeting?”

Tech: “No, I was working over there.”

Me: “Really? Was anyone there to meet you?”

Tech: “No! I hate when vendor techs leave without telling me! It’s such a pain!”

Me: “What address is on your work order?”

Tech: “Oh, [Auto Parts Store] at [address].”

(I wordlessly turn 90 degrees and point at the building. The [Auto Parts Store] sign is massive and illuminated, with the address printed above the door)

Me: “So, let me show you this problem…”

(Eventually it was fixed.)

(It is pouring rain outside, and our area is under warnings for severe storms. There have been tornadoes touching down in a couple of nearby towns, but nothing close enough to us that our shop would close. It is raining so hard that we can only see several yards outside of the windows, with thunder loud enough to shake the small front office building at times, and bright, frequent lightning. In the middle of this torrential downpour, a customer pulls his car up in one of the parking spaces near the office door and runs inside.)

Customer: *with water dripping off his jacket to puddle on the floor as he comes to my reception desk* “Hi, can someone come outside and look at my car? I need an estimate on repairs.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we won’t be able to right now. Would you like an appointment for later in the week?”

Customer: “You mean no one can step outside right now?”

(He eyes my coworkers at their desks on the other side of the office.)

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry. It’s a hazard for our team. Plus, it’ll be hard for them to really see everything that needs fixing in this rain.”

(I chuckle politely, but I’m thinking of the dangers involved in standing in the middle of an open parking lot with all the lightning flashing, not to mention the pouring rain and the hail and tornado warnings going on.)

Customer: “But I’m here now!”

Me: “Sir, there is no way I can send any of our team out there in this weather. We’d love to help you once it clears up, though.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone now. It’s just the side of my car that needs fixing; it’s not a lot!”

(One of my coworkers comes over, all of them having heard the exchange. He tells the customer the same thing I did, then peeks out the window to try to see what the car’s damage looks like.)

Coworker: “From here, I can tell you that you’ll need…” *lists multiple pieces for the car, including a hood, a headlight, and several things on the side of the car* “And that’s not counting anything internal. You’re looking at least [high dollar amount] for all of those. If you want to come back later, we can definitely write it all up for you and get an exact price.”

Customer: “That much?!”

Coworker: “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

Customer: “Man, I thought this was going to be easy!”

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