I work in a tax office and my client today is a nurse.

I’ve got a bit of a sense of humor, and when I was younger I worked in a hospital, so just for fun I grab a piece of paper and scribble some meaningless squiggles on it.

Me: “Read this prescription for me?”

Nurse: *Without skipping a beat* “Amoxicillin, 250mg, three times per day, seven-day supply.”

We both laughed so hard it upset the client three cubicles over.

It’s the final day of tax season. To cover a shortfall, I’m working at two offices in one day. Due to a client going over and a huge traffic jam, I am late to arrive at the second office — by five minutes. I’m scheduled to be there at 3:00, and I park the car at 3:06.

Upon opening the door, I’m confronted by a big guy. I’m a short woman, not very big.

He has a large briefcase full of documents. I apologize for being late, and he starts complaining about it and chewing me out. He keeps escalating; at first, it’s in a normal tone of voice, but it keeps getting louder and louder. At first, I’m apologetic, but as he goes on and on, I ask him:

Me: “Do you want to get your taxes done or would you prefer to complain about my timeliness?”

He calls me a “worthless b****” and starts getting downright nasty. It’s now 3:20, and our appointments are only an hour long, anyway.

Me: “Get out.”

He demands my card so he can complain about me to corporate. I take my cards, put them in my desk, and lock it.

Me: “No. I refuse to tell you my name. You have treated me with nothing but disrespect since I arrived. And with how long you’ve gone on to complain about my being late, we are now even later. Even if we started doing your taxes right this second, they would not be done before the next appointment.”

He practically turns bright purple in anger. Now he’s yelling loudly enough that he’s probably hurting his throat. I’m learning all sorts of new swear words. But that’s okay; I’m done with him. I just smile and wait for him to leave.

My coworker, a large man, comes tearing into the office and shouts at him to leave now. When the man demands that [Coworker] give him my card to complain to corporate, [Coworker] hands the man HIS card.

Coworker: “Complain about me. Now get the f*** out the door before we call the cops. You are officially trespassing.”

The man took a step back… and [Coworker] took a step forward. The man kept yelling, and [Coworker] yelled back, and each time the man took a step back from the force of [Coworker]’s shouts, [Coworker] took a step forward until he’d herded the man to the door. [Coworker] pointedly opened the door, practically shoved the man out, closed the door, and locked it.

Corporate did call us about the chain of events later, but when we explained what happened, they just shrugged and said, “Couldn’t be helped. We don’t condone that behavior, but it was probably necessary,” and we didn’t get written up.

We’re running a very awkward promotion where we’ll do your tax prep for half of what a competitor charged you last year if you switch to us this year. So, if you came to us last year, you get no discount. If you went to another tax company last year, and they charged you $300, we’ll charge you $150, regardless of the difficulty of your taxes.

A lot of people took advantage of this. They had very simple taxes last year, but this year a life change made them much more complex… and they get them much cheaper than they should. Honestly? More power to those people.

I see it as my job to make sure that the client pays the minimum possible — to the government or to my company.

This client, though, was a moron. Last year, he went to a tax prep office that was inside a Walmart. This year, he came to us.

The first thing I noticed about his previous year’s return was that someone had slapped a grand total of seven completely blank Schedule Cs onto his taxes, along with a number of other unnecessary returns. According to his receipt, he was originally charged $650.

His taxes were very simple: two W2s, one kid, and some unemployment, for a total charge of $210.

The client demanded the half-off deal. I explained that I could not offer it because he was already being charged less than half of what he’d paid last year.

He made a huge stink about it, so I grabbed a manager. The manager shrugged and keyed in a manual price increase to $325, which the client then happily paid.

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 10
Math Is Your Friend, Part 9
Math Is Your Friend, Part 8
Math Is Your Friend, Part 7
Math Is Your Friend, Part 6

Our state did reappraisal back in the late 1980s. My client, a farmer, wanted me to help him protest his value on one of his farms in an adjoining county. I filled out his protest form and sent him to the county treasurer’s office to file it. He came back to my office, telling me that she wouldn’t accept it because he wasn’t going to pay the first half of his taxes until the next week.

I called her up and asked why she refused to record the protest form. She told me he had to pay at least the first half of taxes at the same time.

Me: “I will tell you that our state statutes do not say that both have to be done simultaneously. The statute says that you must file a protest by the due date of the first half tax payment due date and you must pay at least the first half by the due date. Not simultaneously.”

County Treasurer: “Well, if you know that, why are you telling me?”

Me: “Because obviously, you don’t. Now, I am going to send him back to your office, and you will accept the protest.”

My client was sitting there listening to the conversation.

Me: “You can go and file that protest form now.”

Client: “I think I’m going to wait a couple of days for her to cool off.”

Know the laws that pertain to your elected office!

I’m a tax accountant. It’s off-season work, so I’m not following a strictly professional dress code: I’m wearing a T-shirt from a local gym that I use.

Client: “Hey, I know that gym. Is that your other job when you’re not doing taxes?”

Me: “I’m flattered that you think I’m fit enough to be a personal trainer, but no.”

Client: “This is a little awkward, but I was actually thinking cleaning staff.”

Me: “Ouch.”