(I’m bagging groceries.)

Me: “So, are you going to make a pie?”

Customer: “What did you say?!”

Me: “Um, I noticed you’re buying a lot of stuff to make pies with. I asked if you were going to make some.”

Customer: “Stop looking at my groceries!”

Me: “Okay.” *I resume bagging*

Customer: “I said to stop looking at them!”

Me: “Um, okay.”

(I close my eyes and attempt to bag them without seeing them.)

Customer: “Stop mocking me!”

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Customer: “Can I have an application to work here?”

Me: “We will need a copy of your resume before you fill out an application.”

Customer: “What’s a resume?”

Me: “A resume lists your work experience and contacts.”

Customer: “Where do I get one?”

Me: “You can find lots of books that tell you the correct way to fill one out.”

Customer: “Can you write one for me?”

Me: “I don’t think you’re gonna get this job.”

(A woman with a resume approaches our hostess at six pm on a very busy Friday night.)

Woman: “I’d like to speak to a manager, please.”

Hostess: “They’re all busy right now, but I can take your resume and pass it along.”

Woman: “No. I want to speak with a manager now.”

Hostess: “Well, like I said, they’re all unavailable right now, but I can pass along–”

Woman: “No. I want a manager now. I want them to put a face to the name on the resume. I want to be professional!”

Hostess: “I’m sorry, but you’ve walked in at the beginning of the dinner rush. Perhaps you should try coming back during the slow times, usually three to five pm?”

Woman: “No. I am here now, and I will speak with a manager now! You are being unprofessional!”

Hostess: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really can’t ask them to conduct an interview when they are backed up with orders.”

Woman: “Fine! This is a waste of my time!”

(The woman ripped her resume in two, dropped it on the floor, and stormed out the front door. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t professional enough for the job.)

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(I work in an employment office where we help people with their resumes. We often send and receive resumes as needed.)

Caller: “Hi, my name is [Caller]. Can you get my resume faxed for me?”

Me: “Where would you like it faxed?”

Caller: “It’s in Drayton Valley, Alberta.”

Me: “Okay, so where in Drayton Valley would you like it sent?”

Caller: “No, no, I need it sent to me HERE. It’s IN Drayton Valley. Someone there has it.”

Me: “Who has it there?”

Caller: “I dunno! Pam… something! She wrote it for me, and I need it! Phone Drayton Valley and get it for me!”

Me: “Miss, Drayton Valley is a TOWN in Alberta. I need the name and number of whatever business or person in that town that has your resume before I can have it sent here for you.”

Caller: “I know that! Just phone around there! It’s a small town; someone will have it!”

Me: “I can’t exactly go phoning random companies in a town asking if they have your resume.”

Caller: “Well, it’s a small town like here! Someone will have it! Call someone named Pam… something.”

Me: “Okay, look. I either need a company or person’s name and their phone number to contact them to ask for it, or I can’t get your resume.”

Caller: “Ugh! But I left my papers at home! Can’t you just phone around?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Caller: “FINE. I’ll have to FIND my papers MYSELF with the number. You’re supposed to be able to get my resume FOR me.”

Me: “Only if I know who to talk to…”

Caller: “Whatever!” *click*

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(I was quietly working down my aisle when a disgruntled man stops at the end and looks at me.)

Me: *resumes working as he is making no advances*

Man: “Awwharhaghhsss!”

Me: *looks up*

Man: “TOMATO SAUCE!” *angry look*

Me: “Uhhhh…”

Man: *furious look*

Me: “…aisle 10!”