(The store I work at closes at 10 pm; it is actually 10:02 when my manager is letting out our last late customers and locking up. We have a man then rush through the automatic doors. He catches it with his shoulder so hard that he actually knocks them off of their tracks.)

Man: “Whoo! I made it! Just in time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve actually closed.”

Man: “Nope! I made it before you locked the doors; gotta let me stay now!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but that’s not how it works. We have closed for the night.”

Man: “Well, that’s fine. I just need to use your bathroom. I’ll be back.”

(At this point my manager, who has popped the doors back into place, steps forward.)

Manager: “Sir? I can’t let you do that. As it is you’re lucky you didn’t actually break the door. You need to leave. Now.”

Man: “I’m not buying anything. I’m just taking a leak. I’ll be fast.”

Manager: “Sir, we have closed; you know this. You have to leave.”

Man: “Well, f*** you, then!”

(An elderly customer approaches me at the customer service desk.)

Customer: “I need your help finding something.”

Me: “Certainly. What are you looking for today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not really sure what it is.”

Me: *not sure if I’m being pranked, or if she is confused* “Okay… what sort of item is it?”

Customer: “Well, it’s… about this big?” *gestures about the size of a bread box* “Maybe bigger? Or maybe it’s smaller? I’m no good with this stuff.”

Me: “Well, is it an electronic? Or maybe something in appliances?”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! You’re not listening! It’s not that big… and I think it has buttons? Maybe round ones? And… it’s green… I think…”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m terribly sorry, but I really don’t think I can help you.”

Customer: “And why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Because with all due respect, you’ve given me nothing to go on. I really can’t tell what you’re looking for given the description you’ve given me.”

Customer: “No! That’s not good enough! I’m the customer! You’re supposed to know what I want! Now tell me what I want and don’t be such a little b***h about it!”

(I told her again I couldn’t help her given the information provided and she stormed off saying I was useless… I never did find out what she wanted.)

(I run a walking food tour and recently put out a competition for someone to win a double pass on the tour, including lots of delicious food bought for them along the way. It was a Facebook competition and people had to ‘Like’ our page, ‘Tag’ a friend, and ‘Share’ the post. You’d think it would be fairly simple, except some people would put extra comments in.)

Me: “Don’t forget to Like our page, Tag a friend, and Share the post, to give you a chance to win!”

Customer: “I tag [Name #1] and [Name #2] and [Name #3]. We would love this. We need some fun and great eating at the moment because our 18-year-old brother was killed in a car accident last Saturday.”

Me: *to a friend* “Well then, now I will feel guilty if I don’t give it to them, but who says that just to win a prize?

(We ask customers for the details of who they bank with in case they have dual insurance with a paid bank account. The client I’m currently talking to has a specific insurance for airline staff. We are about ten minutes into a call talking through a claim form when she says:)

Caller: “I didn’t know who I bank with, so I crossed the whole section out.” *Hmm?* “Yes, it was difficult, so I wrote ‘purple card.’”

Me: “Umm…”

Caller: *continuing on through the sections a whole manner of it she has filled in, shall we say, creatively* “…then I didn’t know how to show you that I owned the item, so I took a picture of myself with it, then held it with that picture on it and took another picture.”

(She was only claiming a few minor damages to the item. In the end I kinda felt bad for her because she’d clearly over-thought the whole thing. I ended up telling her not to send pictures, since we had already discussed a repair quote and we use sense to know that they had the item to actually have a quote done. Also this person is in charge of a huge airborne people-carrying plane. It slightly put me off flying.)

Me: *answers phone* “Hi, This is the front desk!”

Guest: “Hi. I was wondering how to turn off the light in the bathroom. I’ve been looking everywhere, but there’s no switch for it!”

Me: “Oh, yes, that’s actually a skylight!”

Guest: “Oh… so?”

Me: *joking* “It’s the sun so it doesn’t turn off.”

Guest: *obviously confused* “…what?”

Me: “It’ll turn off when it gets dark outside.”

Guest: “Well, that’s all I needed to know!” *hangs up*

Coworker: *overheard the conversation and is laughing her butt off*