(I’m two hours in on a Saturday in my print department. I have a customer who needs a few copies, which I am finishing up with, and a second customer with a bag full of shredding patiently waiting in line. I finish ringing out the copies and the first customer leaves. I smile to address the second customer patiently waiting.)

Me: “Hi. Just some shredding today?”

Customer: “Yup!”

(I grab the bag of shredding and set it on the scale.)

Me: “All right, that’s eight pounds.”

Customer: “Perfect. I would like to insert them into the bins myself.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it is 100% against company policy for customers to have access to our bins—“

Customer: “THAT’S RIDICULOUS! I ALWAYS PUT THEM IN MYSELF!”

(Talk about full circle from pleasant and patient to furious! I had this issue about two weeks ago and spoke with every single store associate who works in print that we absolutely CANNOT allow customers to access our bins, as that takes away the point of them being “Simple, Fast, SECURE Shredding.” I attempt to explain this to her, but she’s not having it and quickly grabs her bag, shouts at me, “YOU JUST LOST A CUSTOMER!” and swiftly turns — nearly running into another customer behind her — and storms out the door.)

Me: *talking to the next customer, sighs* “What I was going to say was, would you feel like this is secure shredding if we let all our customers access these bins?”

Next Customer: *laughs* “I certainly wouldn’t.”

Me: *chuckles* “Thanks. Now, what can I help you with today?”

(I work in a retail pharmacy in a suburban city. A lot of snobbish, entitled people come through our line every day, thinking they are God’s gifts to the world and that we should feel honored to bend over backward and kiss their a**es. It’s a Sunday afternoon, during a slow hour in the late summer. It’s just me and my pharmacist working today. I’m helping someone in our drive-thru, so the pharmacist helps this guy who comes up to the counter. I overhear this exchange as I’m ringing up the person I’m helping.)

Pharmacist: “Hi, there! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m picking up a prescription.”

Pharmacist: *looks up the guy’s name in the system and goes to retrieve his script* “Just so you know, sir, we didn’t have the full quantity of this medication in stock, so we had to give you a partial supply. We should have the rest in tomorrow morning, though.”

Customer: *raising his voice* “You know, this is bulls***. I got a phone call saying that my prescription was ready in full, but every time I come here, you guys only have a part of the d*** thing!”

Pharmacist: “I do apologize, sir. Are you sure the phone call said it was done in full?”

Customer: “What, do you think I’m stupid?! Of course it did! Here, listen!”

(He pulled out his phone and replayed the voicemail on speaker so we could hear. It very clearly stated that the prescription was ready for a PARTIAL FILL. Obviously flushed and embarrassed, the guy tried to brush it off like it was still our fault, paid for his partial, and left. My pharmacist paraded that little victory around for the rest of the year.)

(As I’m getting to the end of my evening shift, I check out this lady on her phone. It goes fairly well — she’s communicating with me and such — and then a jerk customer comes in and talks about how good she smells.)

Creepy Customer: “Hey, ma’am, you smell so amazing! I could smell you all over the store, and here you are!”

Lady: *talking to the person on the phone* “This guy here is smelling me.”

(I can’t hear the person on the other end, but I’m sure they ask where she is. I’m assuming it’s her husband.)

Lady: “I’m checking out at the store.”

Creepy Customer: “Hey, lady, some people would take that as a compliment!” *puts his arms around her*

Lady: *pushes him away, and has this look on her face while she pays and leaves*

Me: *starts checking out said creep, not saying one word as I am watching what he does*

Creepy Customer: *starts shouting his number*

Me: *holding a heavy case of beer* “Please, one sec.”

Creepy Customer: *still saying the number over and over*

Me: *starts bagging*

Creepy Customer: *grabs my arm* “Hey, I like your watch! Give me your watch. Haha.”

Me: *jerks back fast, giving him a look*

Creepy Customer: *gets annoyed and has his friend pay*

Me: *asks another cashier to get a manager and fast*

(I had to stay late so I could inform the manager and report the creepy jerk. The manager took a look at the cameras to know what the creep looked like so he could tell the other managers. No, I don’t think the creepy jerk was drunk. The only thing I could smell was my lotion, and that’s probably what he could smell.)

(I have worked in customer service for approximately five years, but this is my first year working fast food, and I have gotten quite a large number of customers who seem to lack basic intelligence, or at least simple math skills. Note: this happens AT LEAST three times a day. Every. Day.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [BBQ Store]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I’d like the [three-side meat plate] with brisket. How many sides do I get with that?”

Me: “You get three sides.”

Customer: “Three?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *thinks for a minute* “All right I want [side #1] and [side #2].”

Me: “You get one more side.”

Customer: “I get another side?”

(I attempt to not roll my eyes. I assure the customer that, yes, you get three sides, and no, two sides do not equal three. Thankfully, it has happened enough times to where I can see the humor in it, and I tend to mime banging my head against the brick counter, much to the amusement of my coworkers.)

(I work for a large credit union at a call center and I speak to some pretty… simple people during the course of my day. Some are worse than others. We also have a type of overdraft protection that can be signed up for, where our members are allowed to go into the negative on their account by up to $500. This particular member, a woman in her 50s, has that service.)

Me: “Hello! Thank you for calling [Credit Union]. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?”

Member: “I need to know my balance.”

Me: “Absolutely, I’ll be happy to help with that.” *goes over the info and pulls up her account* “I see that your balance right now is negative $465.76.”

Member: “That’s not right! I just deposited $500 at the bank.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but before that, you were maxed out on your overdraft at negative $500. When you paid that back by making your deposit, that made your balance zero. Since that deposit earlier yesterday, you’ve done a purchase at [Store] for $25.76 and an ATM withdrawal of $400. After your purchases, you were at negative $425.76, and for each transaction, you received one $20 overdraft fee, per our overdraft policy, which made your account negative $465.76.”

Member: “I still just don’t understand. I should be in the positive; I just made a deposit into this account!”

Me: “Do you remember making a purchase at [Store] and the ATM withdraw?”

Member: “Yes, that was me.”

Me: “And you did those before or after your deposit at the branch?”

Member: “After, ’cause I didn’t have any money in the bank before.”

Me: “Okay, so, prior to your deposit you had negative $500. The last transaction before that, you wrote out a check for $480, which made your account negative, plus the $20 overdraft fee.”

Member: “Yes, that’s right; that was my rent.”

Me: “Great, so, you wrote your check and your account became negative $500. You made a $500 deposit, which made your balance zero. You made an ATM withdrawal and you made a Store] purchase, drawing your account back into the negative.”

Member: “I just still don’t understand.”

Adult Son: *in the background* “MOM. STOP. BEING. STUPID.”

Me: *trying not to grin* “Ma’am, why do you believe you this balance is incorrect?”

Member: “Well, I just made a deposit the other day!”

Adult Son: “Oh, my God, MOM! STOP BEING SO DUMB!”

Member: “I just don’t get it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know how else to explain it to you except this: negative $500 plus $500 equals zero. Yes, you made a deposit, but it didn’t give you a positive balance. Then you made purchases off your account, which made you negative again. These are all correct purchases, per you, so the balance is correct.”

Member: “I’m just going to have to go into a bank because I still just don’t understand. That balance isn’t right!”

Adult Son: “Mom! Negative $5 plus $5 equals zero! She’s right and you just aren’t listening!”

Member: “I’m still not sure about this.”

Adult Son & I: *sigh*

(Once I was finished with that call, I let my team know that I had spent fifteen minutes explaining how negative $500 plus $500 equals zero. The newbies didn’t believe that I’d spoke with someone that dumb, but I told them next time I’d just transfer the call to them — for practice!)