(I’m dropping off a drink at a party of about ten guys and girls. They look like they wish they were on the Jersey Shore. One of the girls has ordered a double gin and tonic. Before I walk away, the girl calls me back.)

Girl: “This drink isn’t right. I ordered a gin and tonic and this tastes like it has vodka in it… and maybe soda.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll get that fixed up for you right away.”

(I take it to my bartender, who looks at it, pours it into a differently shaped glass, and then hands it back to me. I take it back to the table and give it to the customer.)

Girl: “Ah, this is much better. Thank you!”

Me: “You’re very welcome!”

I am working at the drive-thru.

Customer: “Do you have orange juice, not an orange drink?”

Me: “Yes, we have orange juice.”

Customer: “I asked if you have orange juice, not an orange drink!”

Me: “And I said we do have orange juice…”

Customer: *Yelling* “Why don’t you answer my question!”

Me: “I did… twice…”

Customer: “F*** you! I don’t need to take this!”

Me: “Oooookay then…”

(I work for a security company that installs alarms into residences. I have received an alarm indicating the customer’s alarm system has a low battery so I’m calling to notify them.)

Me: “This is your alarm company calling. May I speak to Mr. [Name]?”

Customer: “What the h*** do you want?”

Me: “Your alarm system sent us a low battery signal.”

Customer: “Low battery? What the h*** does that even mean? Is someone trying to break in?”

Me: “No, sir. It means the backup battery is low and needs to be changed.”

Customer: “The alarm system is plugged in; there is no battery. Send the police. I think someone is tampering with the system.”

Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you but—”

Customer: “JUST SENT THE D*** COPS!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Will do.”

(I explained the situation to the police department, and they weren’t too happy about having to respond to a low battery signal. They intended to make sure the customer learned the difference between an emergency signal and a low battery!)

(While cleaning a yogurt machine before opening, I hear the landing noise of the TARDIS. I’m a huge Doctor Who fan.)

Me: “NO WAY!”

(I run to front of store and see no TARDIS. I walk back to office and find my coworker.)

Coworker: *chuckling* “You didn’t think that was real, did you?”

Me: “For a minute there, yes I did!”

(Note: I am gay, but I seem to be an ‘under the radar’ one; no one ever guesses it, but I don’t hide it, either. I also have a boyfriend, and we plan on getting engaged soon. I’m working as a lifeguard on the lazy river late in the evening. I lean in and do a corner check to scan for small children. I see a mother and her daughter in very revealing clothing pass by on a two-person tube.)

Mother: *to me* “Don’t be looking at my daughter’s boobs! She’s a Christian girl!”

Daughter: *blushes, embarrassed*

Me: “Ma’am, I can promise I do not care about her boobs and was merely doing my job.”

Mother: “Yeah, right! You mean staring at all the young girls like a perv! Only reason young men work here!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m here working to save for me and my soon to be fiancé.”

Daughter: “Mom, just let—”

Mother: “Yeah, a fiancée! Too bad you’re cheating on her by staring at ALL this!” *gestures to herself*

(I point to my necklace with a promise ring I got from my boyfriend on Valentine’s day.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have a betrothed, and both Jay and I would be very surprised if I cheated or stared at a woman.”

Mother and Daughter: *jaws drop* “You’re a f**!”

Me: “I prefer homosexual, but yes, if you prefer.”

(At this point they are reaching a turn in the river. The mother creates a cross with her fingers, and kicks her feet to get away. This river section horseshoes back, so I see them 10 seconds later.)

Mother: “YOU’RE GOING TO H***, YOU F**!”

Me: “Only if I’m working to guard your lava pit, my dear!”