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Business Center Is Out Of Business

| Right | October 7, 2014

(The door to our business center is always closed and locked to keep out non-guests who have, in the past, put viruses on the computers. To open it, the guest must ask the front desk. There is a sign.)

Guest: *tries to open the door* “Come ON!”

Me: “Sir—”

(The guest begins punching the door so violently that the door and door lock instantly break. As if nothing has happened, the guest wanders back to the front desk.)

Guest: “The business center door is broken.”

Me: “Gee, I wonder why…”

This Professor Is On The Balls

Learning | June 14, 2013

(I am taking a course in basic computer programming. One of our projects is to create a unique application for Facebook. Everyone is presenting their project to the class using the overhead projector.)

Classmate: “I created an app that shares a random YouTube video. What it does is it generates a random sequence of letters and numbers…”

(He brings up a window showing his code and highlights the random number generation section.)

Classmate: “…and then links to the YouTube video whose URL is identical to the random sequence. Here you can see that it checks to make sure the sequence is valid, and if it isn’t, it generates a new sequence until it finds one that matches up to a real URL.”

(He brings up the Facebook page where the app is located.)

Classmate: “Let’s just try a random search right now so you can see that it really works.”

(He clicks the button to generate a random video. One pops up and begins playing. To everyone’s horror, the video shows naked male genitals being operated on by surgeons.)

Woman’s Voice in Video: “As you can see here, this patient was suffering from an advanced stage of testicular cancer. Surgeons removed a seven-pound tumor from the man’s testicle.”

Classmate: “S***!”

(Rather than closing the window, he panics and jumps in front of the wall and tries to block the projection with his body, but it just ends up being projected onto his chest instead.)

Classmate: “So, uh, that’s what I did for my project! And as you can see, it works perfectly!”

(The professor calmly crosses the room to the PC hooked up to the projector and closes the Facebook window.)

Professor: “Thank you, [Classmate]. That was a very balls-to-the-wall demonstration.”


This story is part of our Nudity roundup!

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Everyone’s A Wiseguy

, , , , , | Right | June 18, 2008

(Our store is located in a one-level strip mall.)

Customer: “Do you carry lawnmowers?”

Customer Service Rep: “Just one second and let me find out for you…” *parks call* “Hey guys, do we carry lawnmowers?”

Salesman #1: “Yeah, they’re down in the basement.”

Salesman #2: “No, I saw them back by the overstock shelves.”

Salesman #3: “No, I moved them into the attic for storage last week.”

Salesman #4: “OOH! I know! They’re four walls down, under a big orange sign that says ‘Home Depot!'”

Customer Service Rep: *picks call back up* “No, sir, I’m sorry, but we’re an electronics store.”

Lacks The Power To Comprehend

| Right | September 1, 2014

(One morning there is an electrical fire under the city streets that blows out power to the entire downtown core. Our store is completely closed, dark, and the roads are blocked off by the hydro company and firefighters who are tackling manhole fires. People still managed to get to our doors nonetheless. One tries to come in behind our manager as she is returning and locking the door.)

Customer: “I just need my coffee. Two milk, two sugar, please.”

Manager: “Sorry, sir, we’re closed. We have no power.”

Customer: “That’s fine. Just pour the coffee and give me the rest on the side.”

Manager: “Sorry, but we have no coffee right now and we won’t be open until at least noon.”

Customer: “How do you not have coffee?”

Manager:“Because we’re closed. We haven’t had power for three hours.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just ask them to turn it on quick?” *points to the city hydro truck and workers on the street*

Manager: “They said it won’t be back until at least noon.”

Customer: “Can I just come in and see what you have?”

Manager: “We have no power, so we can’t use our tills, or sell you anything here.”

Customer: “I’ll just start going to the other store, then!” *the other store is two blocks down, also without power*

Manager: “Sure. Have a good day.”

(The outage lasted about nine hours and knocked out every utility in radius of about 10-15 blocks in the core of downtown, including stores, traffic lights, and even complete road closures due to fires. People still couldn’t comprehend that we couldn’t sell them coffee all day.)

Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Nerve

, , , | Right | May 13, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Good morning. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another twenty minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Um… okay. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

Me: “Uh, why?”

Customer: *angry* “I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK YOU WERE OPEN BY ANSWERING YOUR F****** PHONE!”

Me: “So… you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”

Customer: “OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!”

Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*