Customer: “Excuse me? My thirteen-year-old son went to your store last night and spent over $200.”

Me: “Okay, and what is the problem?”

Customer: “Well, no one asked him for ID.”

Me: *confused* “Well, did he buy anything that requires him to be a certain age?”

Customer: “No, but he spent $200 and he’s only thirteen years old. No one asked him for his ID!”

Me: “So, I should have asked him for ID and then declined to sell something to him because he’s a teenager?”

Customer: “Exactly. I’m shocked that your store doesn’t seem to have a policy about this.”

Me: “Ma’am, how did your son pay for what he bought?”

Customer: “Cash, of course. He’s way too young to have a debit or credit card.”

Me: “So you allowed your son to spend a Friday evening at the mall with $200 cash on him, but you’re blaming our store because he spent it?”

Customer: “Pretty much, yes.”

Me: “Ma’am, if he wasn’t buying anything he was too young to buy, I couldn’t decline the sale because of his age, as that would be discrimination.”

Customer: “Well, I’m pretty sure there are laws against it. I’ll be getting back to you.”

This story is part of the Even-More-Customers-Are-To-Blame roundup!

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(I am the customer/patron in this story, and I have done something extremely goofy… In my attempt to leave my parking space to go home, I have gone in the wrong direction. In my defense, if I have one, it is New Year’s Day and my brain is slightly clouded with a cold. This takes place when I reach the spot where I think I am going to have to maneuver a tricky turn to go back in the other direction and leave properly. I see three parking lot attendants, two women and one man.)

Me: *yelling out my window* “Excuse me… I think I’ve gone the wrong way.”

Man #1: “You sure did, but we still love you! We won’t tell anyone.”

(I hear a male laugh somewhere behind me, presumably another employee.)

Me: *grinning* “How do I get out of here?”

Man #1: “You can just go between that pole and the cone right there.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Man #1: “Yes. I have faith in you! You gotta be a risk-taker! Just don’t hit those women in the crosswalk.”

Me: *laughing* “Okay.”

(I carefully start driving in the spot he told me to.)

Man #1: “Great! You’re doing it! You got this! You’re the best! We love you! Now just turn again around those cones and you’re good!”

(I start to make my turn and see another male parking lot attendant.)

Me: “Ah! I feel like I’m going to run over a cone making this turn!”

Man #2: *very cheerfully* “It’s okay, we do it all the time!” *he kicks the cone out of my way*

Me: *laughing* “Thank you!”

(I complete the turn and start on the proper exit path.)

Man #1: “You did it! You are beautiful! You are the best and don’t let anyone tell you differently!”

Me: *still laughing* “Thank you!”

Man #1: “Happy New Year! We love you!”

Me: “I love you, too!”

(I may have felt like an idiot for most of this event, but it was pretty hilarious and very sweet. Nice addition to the start of my new year!)

This story is part of the New Year’s Day roundup!

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Customer: “Can I withdraw everything from my checking account?”

Me: *processes transaction* “There you are. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you tell me my balance?”

Me: “Well, after that transaction, your balance is $0.”

Customer: “But I still have checks!”

Me: “I’m sorry–”

Customer: “I still have checks left in my checkbook, so I can still get money, right?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You can only write out checks if you have that money available in your account.”

Customer: “But I still have checks! Why would they give me so many checks, then?!”

Me: “So you have checks for when you do have money?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just write one out anyway!”

Me: “You’ll be charged a $35 fee for over-drafting your account.”

Customer: “I thought I had a free checking account. You’re going to charge me for using my free account?!”

Me: “No, we charge you for spending money you don’t have.”

Customer: “I’M NOT SPENDING MONEY! I’M WRITING A CHECK!”

Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about three more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First, the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So… you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

This story is part of our Even More Ironic Customers roundup!

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Me: “Paper or plastic?”

Customer: “Paper.” *after some consideration* “No, plastic.”

(My bagger obviously doesn’t catch the change, and continues bagging in paper.)

Customer: “Excuse me!” *snaps her fingers in front of the bagger’s face* “Weren’t you listening? I want plastic! Not paper! You should be paying attention!”

(My bagger, startled, gives her a confused look and starts signing something, indicating that he’s deaf. The woman goes extremely pale.)

Customer: “Uh, thank you. Goodbye.” *she grabs her bags, still paper, and rushes out of the store*

(My bagger then slides me a note that says:)

Note: “What I said to that woman was so rude.”