(An couple of US tourists come into our library and use the public computers for the Internet. When they start leaving, they come to me again and give me 2 Estonian Crowns.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t take this.”

Customer: “What do you mean you can’t take this?! I got it from the bank just down the street. I know it’s not fake. And it says in the rules that it costs 2.”

Me: “No, I mean–”

(He cuts me off and starts ranting on how he never wanted to come to Europe anyway and how everything is better in the States. His wife and I manage to calm him down after a few minutes of loud ranting.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t take your money because just using the computer is free. Only printing costs 2 Crowns.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought… I mean, I always have to pay in… well… America is still better than Europe!” *hurries out with his wife*

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Will-Die-On-Their-Hill-themed roundup!

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(I’m working at the library; it’s cloudy and raining outside.)

Patron: “Can you do something about all that noise?”

Me: “Is the AC too loud? Maintenance isn’t here today, but I can give you some earplugs.”

Patron: “NOT THAT!  The construction! Tell them I’m trying to work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no construction.”

Patron: “That rumbling!”

Me: “You mean the thunder?”

Patron: “Whatever. Tell them to stop.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really have no control over nature.”

Patron: “Ugh, you people! You can’t do ANYTHING!”

(Sadly, this man is a doctor.)

This story is part of the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

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Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*

Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”

Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”

(At our library, the computers are all self-sign-up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walks a young woman and her boyfriend.)

Young Woman: “Can you help me with this?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Young Woman: “I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”

Young Woman: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”

Me: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN UP.”

Young Woman: “But I need help!”

Me: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”

Young Woman: “But do I have to read the screen?”

Me: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”

Young Woman: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”

Young Woman’s Boyfriend: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*

This story is part of our Even More Ironic Customers roundup!

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Library Patron: “I need to get on a computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry… as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”

Library Patron: “Oh, I just need to check my email.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”

Library Patron: “Well, could you look up a book for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones so we can’t call out.”

Library Patron: “Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”

Me: “I can’t do that, either.”

Library Patron: “Can you check my email for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We use the same system.”

Library Patron: “But, I saw you typing!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”

Library Patron: “Well, when will the computers be fixed?”

Me: “We don’t know.”

Library Patron: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”

Library Patron: “Does this happen often?”

Me: “Nope.”

Library Patron: “So you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Library Patron: “Do you actually do anything useful here?”

Me: “Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past ten minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”

Library Patron: *stomps off*