Me: “Thank you for calling [Cinema]. How can I help you?”

Some Stoner: “Yeah. Do you have any funny movies?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I go through the list of comedies.)

Stoner: “Oh. I watched Toy Story today while I was high. That was pretty funny, seeing those toys running around all f**ked up. Do you have anything like that?”

(I put down the phone for a moment to stifle my laugh.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not have any drug-induced movies playing right now.”

Stoner: “Oh. Well, uh… I’m gonna watch Toy Story 2 now.”

(Stoner hangs up.)

Man on phone: “Hi, I don’t think this DVD is working properly.”

Me: “What happened, exactly?”

Man on phone: “We put it in and it plays, but the movie is only a couple minutes long and then it starts over again.”

Me: “Are there any words on the screen?”

Man on phone: “Yes. The title of the movie and some other things.”

Me: “Is there a word that says Play or Play Movie?”

Man on phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Just hit the play button on your remote control or DVD player.”

Man on phone: “Wow! Thanks! It’s doing something else now. I just thought it was a short movie.”

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

(This customer called in to reactivate her account. She didn’t remember the original password so I reset it for her)

Me: “All right, your password must be at least six characters in length, contain letters and numbers, and cannot be a common dictionary word. What would you like it to be?”

Customer: “Eat sh*t.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The password–eatsh*t.”

Me: “Alright… but it requires a number.”

Customer: “Oh….”

Me: “How about 1eatsh*t1?”

Customer: “Great!”

This story is part of our Swearing Customers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Funny Stories About Bookstore Employees And Their Terrible Customers

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Read the Swearing Customers roundup!

(It’s my job to exchange prizes for tickets. A customer comes up to me and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 24 tickets.”

([Customer #1] looks around at prizes.)

Customer #1: “How much is that remote control car?”

Me: “That’s 600 tickets. You should probably look at the smaller prizes you can afford, like the rings and rubber snakes. They are only two tickets each.”

Customer #1: “Okay, I’ll take that lava lamp.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the lava lamp is 14,000 tickets and you have 24, so I highly suggest looking at cheaper prizes like these rubber snakes.”

([Customer #1] finally decides he needs to go get more tickets and returns to playing games. Another customer approaches and I count their tickets.)

Me: “You have 650 tickets.”

Customer #2: “Okay, I’d like eighty of the snakes but only red and green ones.”

Me: “Wouldn’t you prefer a remote control car or this water gun?”

Customer #2: “No, I want snakes!”

This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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