(I overheard this conversation between a self-checkout machine and a customer.)
Self-Checkout Machine: “Please take your items.”
Customer: “DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE F*** TO DO! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE MY S*** HERE?!”
(I work at an outdoor paintball field where the referees wear bright orange to differentiate ourselves from the players. Standing on the field, I start getting shot at. Patiently, I move and continue watching the game.)
Player: *to Coworker* “Ref! Ref! I shot that dude in the orange and he won’t get out!”
Coworker: “That’s because he’s a referee. Notice the orange?”
Player: “Oh… okay, so check THIS guy! I just shot him, too!”
Coworker: “That is ALSO a ref.”
Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for this movie for my daughter: Pan’s Labyrinth. I heard it was very good.”
Me: “Yes, it was very good.”
Customer: “Do you think the girls would like it?”
Me: “I don’t know; how old are they?”
Customer: “Nine.”
Me: “Uh, ma’am, Pan’s Labyrinth isn’t really a kids’ movie. It’s about the Spanish Civil War.”
Customer: “The what?”
Me: “The Spanish Civil War. General Franco. There’s a scene where a man gets his face beaten in.”
Customer: “But in the previews, it looks like a kid’s movie, like that other movie with puppets.”
Me: “Do you mean Labyrinth?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “That may be a better choice. Trust me.”
Customer: *leaves*
Coworker: “I don’t know if David Bowie’s giant crotch is really safe for kids either…”
(I often wander around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cares as long as I do my job and don’t hurt anyone. I often get odd looks, though.)
Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”
Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”
Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”
(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)
Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”
Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*
This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!
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(I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)
Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”
Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”
Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”
Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. I have to stop at the designated stops.”
Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”
Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”
Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”
