Me: “Hello, ma’am. Can I get you anything to drink?”

Customer #1: “Yes, please. I would like a glass of water.”

Me: “Coming right up.”

Me: *delivering the water* “There you are, ma’am. Have you decided what you want to order?”

Customer #1: *downing the water* “Wow, this water is great. Do you happen to have any more, sweetie?”

Me: “Er… yeah we do. Do you want another glass?”

Customer #1: “I would appreciate it.”

(I go to get her another glass of water, and as soon as I come back, she begins to speak up about the menu.)

Customer #1: “Oh, Lord! Don’t you have any vegetarian stuff here?”

Me: “I’m sorry miss, but this is a bar and grill. We have salads, but they all come with chicken or beef.”

Customer #1: “That’s inhumane! Don’t you know what you’re doing to the animals?”

Me: “I think you should go to a vegan restaurant. What did you expect from a bar and grill?”

Customer #1: “Don’t give me your sass! I just want some non-animal food! Don’t you have any of that?”

Me: “Well… we have grilled cheese, and–”

Customer #1: *cutting me off* “WHAT?! CHEESE COMES FROM MILK, WHICH COMES FROM COWS! I’M NOT EATING THAT!”

Me: “I’m sorry then, ma’am, there’s really nothing for you here. Please quiet down; you’re disturbing the other customers.”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Listen to what he tells you, you stupid b****!”

Customer #1: “Goodness! You god-d*** animal murderers deserve to go to Hell! *pause* “Er, sonny, may I get another glass of that water?”

Me: “OUT!”

Customer #2: *from across the room* “Mmm… murder.”

Customer: “I bought ten fish and they all DIED. The customer service desk said you would get me new ones. Here’s my receipt.”

Me: “It looks like you had ten feeder goldfish?”

Customer: “Yes, and they all DIED. I want new ones.”

Me: “That’s unusual. Goldfish are pretty hardy. Did they have any little white spots, or anything like that before they died?”

Customer: “No, I went to feed them and they were all dead in the bowl!”

Me: Wait… you had ten goldfish in a bowl? What size?”

Customer: “Like this!” *points to a small bowl on the shelf*

Me: “Ma’am, that bowl only holds a gallon of water. The general rule for fish is ‘a gallon of water per inch of fish’. So for these goldfish at the size they’re now, you would need a tank larger then ten gallons to accommodate them.”

Customer: “I want them in a bowl! Maybe I’ll get smaller fish. How much are these?” *pointing*

Me: “Those are fancy guppies; they’re two dollars.”

Customer: “EACH?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “What about those?

Me: “Those are angelfish; they’re four dollars.”

Customer: “EACH?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Just give me the ten fish to replace my other ones! Those are only 39 cents each!”

Me: “Fine… but if you put them all in the same bowl, they’re all going to die again, and I don’t want to hear about it when they do!”

Customer: *pause* “Get me my fish!”

(She got her new fish. No idea what the death toll was.)

This story is part of the Terrible Fish Owners roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

Caller: “Highway One.”

Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

Caller: “South.”

Me: “Okay, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

Me: “What city are you in?”

Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway south to get to you!”

Me: “Well, then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(Note: We are two blocks away from the beach.)

Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every eight weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… Wait a second; are you calling from outside the hotel?”

(I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

(Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

This story is part of our Super-Dumb-Criminals roundup!

Read the next Super-Dumb-Criminals roundup story!

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