Me: “Animal hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

Me: “…what, sir?”

Caller: “Prostitute dogs. Do you have them there?”

Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “My dog won’t stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “That’s bulls***. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

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Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book in for my photo session.”

Me: “Great, what kind of date were you looking for?”

Customer: “June.”

Me: “Okay, we only book up to two weeks in advance but I can put something on hold for you. What kind of day and time were you looking for?”

Customer: “June, maybe a weekend.”

Me: “Okay, just pick a time and date and I can get that sorted for you.”

Customer: “I find this very unprofessional!”

Me: “…why?”

Customer: “You should show me what dates you have free!”

Me: “Every date and time in June; no one else is booked in yet.”

Customer: *glares at me*

Me: “Do you want to have a look at the diary?”

Customer: “Yes, I think I’d better.”

(I bring her into the office and show her the screen with our June diary on. It is COMPLETELY blank.)

Customer: “So what date can I have?”

Me: “What date do you want?”

(This goes on and on until I finally give her a random date and time.)

Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

Me: “Yeah, can I help you?”

Customer: “My son is in the hospital because of a car accident, and I want to get him a sympathy card.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; the sympathy cards are right over here.”

(The customer goes through the cards for a few minutes, and then comes back to find me at the counter.)

Customer: “I found a card for him from me, but I also need one from his dog.”

Me: “His… dog?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to send him a card from his dog to show him that he cares.”

Me: “I don’t think we carry sympathy cards from pets. But, we do have blank cards with pictures of dogs on them that you can use.”

Customer: “No! It has to be a SYMPATHY CARD!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we just don’t sell that card.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! I saw one like it just a few weeks ago! I want to see your manager!”

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “YES! I need a sympathy card for my son from his dog!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t carry that type of card.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! I saw it here a few weeks ago!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we’ve never sold that type of card here before. You could fill out a blank card if you like? They’re pretty cheap, and some have pictures of dogs on them.”

Customer: “Uggghhh!” *throws hands up in the air*

Me: “Operator.”

Customer: “I need to call long distance to New York.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, you need to hang up and dial ’00’ for the long-distance operator.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ’00’ button on my phone. I only have a ‘0’!”

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “That’s impossible; this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

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