(I am very nervous about going to the dentist, and I go to a new practice to get a cavity filled. The dentist is very friendly and supportive through the whole procedure.)

Dentist: “You’re doing great!”

(I make a noise that sounds like ‘thank you’ because, of course, she’s working on filling the cavity and I can’t talk.)

Dentist: “You’re welcome! I understand what people mean when they make that noise… or maybe they’re actually saying ‘F*** you’ and I’ll never know!”

(It’s hard to laugh with a dentist drill in your mouth but I did!)

(My father goes into a regional chain takeout restaurant that just opened in our area. Overall the food is wonderful there, but several staff members seem to think cheese goes on everything, regardless of how some things are traditionally made.)

Worker: “What can I get for you, sir?”

Father: “I’d like a BLT, please.”

(The overhead menu clearly states they offer a classic BLT, with no added flourishes.)

Worker: “Certainly, with what kind of cheese?”

Father: “Okay, let’s look at the letters, shall we? The B is for bacon, the L is for lettuce and the T is for tomato. There’s no C for cheese, is there?”

Worker: “So, no cheese?”

Father: “No, thank you.”

(The place lasted less than a year, most likely due to being in a difficult location to drive into, though we did hear of other orders getting mixed up quite often, cheese related or not.)

(The morning show host at my radio station has seen that Howard Stern movie one too many times, and as such, believes the key to being a great radio announcer is being hated. He goes out of his way to be as unlikable as possible, antagonizing anyone he can: listeners, coworkers, the boss. One day, I come into work to see that he’s cleaned out his office.)

Me: “Hey, [Morning Guy], why is your office cleaned out?”

Morning Guy: “I just got a job at [Other Radio Station]. When the boss comes in today, I’m going to give my one month’s notice. I have no doubt that they’re going to turn around and fire me as soon as I give it in.”

Me: “What makes you say that?”

Morning Guy: “Because they did it to [Former Coworker].”

Me: “Dude, that was different. [Former Coworker] was a jerk, and he turned into a total a**-hole after he turned in his notice. But you… the boss loves you, for some reason.”

Morning Guy: “Nope. I’m a much bigger a**-hole than [Former Coworker] ever was. Just you wait and see. As soon as I give my notice, they’ll have security escorting me to the door.”

(Later that day, the boss comes in, and the morning guy goes in to deliver the news. The boss closes the door, they have a long meeting, and the morning guy eventually comes out, just stunned.)

Me: “So, are you fired?”

Morning Guy: “No…”

Me: “Then what happened?”

Morning Guy: “They offered me a raise to stay.”

(He went back to his empty office, just flabbergasted, muttering about Howard Stern and how the boss is supposed to hate him. Never have I seen a man work so hard to be unlikable, and fail!)

(I call a possible employee with a job offer. She had listed her cell phone as the best means for communication. I call her three times with no answer and I send her two emails. I do just about everything but literally knocking on her home address. After a week of no replies I move on to the next person on my list. Two weeks later the girl who didn’t answer my multiple phone calls and email comes into the store.)

Woman: “Hi, my name is [Name] and I’m just checking in on my application.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… I tried calling you and emailing you to offer you a job and you never replied.”

Woman: “Oh, wow, really? I’d love a job! This is so unexpected—”

Me: “No, no. I wasn’t offering you a job. I mean, I WAS, but you never replied so I went to the next person on my list. Here’s a tip: if you’re expecting a job offer, check your email and cell phone regularly, especially if you list them on your resume.”

Woman: “Well, I’ve been getting a lot of telemarketing calls so I don’t answer calls anymore.”

Me: “What about email? I emailed you twice.”

Woman: “I’m worried about viruses.”

Me: “Okay. So listen, these are common worries but if you’re this type of person, then don’t list cell phone and email as main ways of communicating with you.”

Woman: “Well, my mom told me I had to. I’d prefer FaceTime-ing or Skype.”

Me: “The only time I’d EVER FaceTime a possible employee for a job is if they live far away, which you don’t!”

Woman: “So… no job, right?”

(No, she didn’t get the job.)

(I serve in a restaurant that offers a little of everything. On this Tuesday morning, I am physically and mentally exhausted as I’d gotten off the night shift Monday night at 10:30 pm. So, I am the one Not Always Working. This is my second table of the day, around noon.)

Me: “Hello! My name is [My Name] and I’ll be taking care of you this evening…”

(The three guests look confused but not angry so I quickly amend what I said.)

Me: “This morning…”

(More confusion with just a hint of grins all the way around.)

Me: “This afternoon…”

Guest #1: *with a smile* “Aw, sometime today, right?”

(Guests #2 and #3 start laughing and even I laugh at myself.)

Me: “Yeah, sometime today! I’m sorry, I worked the night shift last night and I’m still a little tired.”

Guest #2: “It’s okay, honey.”

Me: “Thank you. So, can I get you started with something to drink?”

Guest #1: “Will it be out today?”

Me: *grinning* “I promise it will.”

(The rest of my shift went off without a hitch. That particular group gave me a pretty good tip and were still joking with me even as they were leaving. One of my favorite groups of customers so far!)