I’m shopping with my 2 friends, and we just made a group purchase. Friend1 did not had exact change yet(around 8$), but have to buy some more stuff at a 1$ store, which will brake her paper bills. We are going right away, then to the next shop, where I’ll need the money for my own purchase. No worry, it all sound fine.

I must say first, I’m the type of person who like beauty of any kind and will find it in about everything(from flowers, to an house, to a cute pair of sock, to a pet passing…anything really). And I’ll usually say it whenever I see something pretty, just so I can share the view with the ones around me.
So, we make our way in the 1$ store, and I’ll point out some random items saying things like “aw, that’s pretty” or “here, that’s cute”. But never actually picking anything up. One of the items I point was plastics roses earrings.
Me: Look at these! How beautifull!
Friend2: You ain’t taking them?
Me: No, I have enough earrings and don’t use them much really.
Then, both friend1 and friend2 take a pairs. I think nothing of this.

We finish, they pay…and friend1 hand me a bag.
Friend1: Here, your stuff, should had cover what I was supposed to give you.
I’m super confused as I was not buying anything, but I look down in the bag.
And there are the plastics roses earings, a pot of glitters in my favorite color exact shade, stickers in a shape&color I generaly enjoy… all the items I passed a comment on in this shop are in the bag. Despite the transaction happening 1minute ago, it’s a 1$ store, there’s no return, refound or exchange.
I have no idea how “Hey, that’s pretty” translated into “I’m taking it, buy it for me” in friend1 head. Specially about the one I clearly said, I was NOT wanting.
I’m now the owner of random, useless (but pretty) craps, that have been sitting untouched for the last 10years.
And,no, I never got the actual money I expected and needed.

Co-worker 1 (in frustration, imitating the voice of a Dalek): Exteriminate. Exterminate.
Co-worker 2: What? What?
Co-worker 1: (my name) knows. She understands.
Me: Well, personally, I’m more of a “resistance is futile”- kind-a-gal, but yes, I know.
Co-worker 1: I should have known.

(Co-worker 2 not getting the joke and still none the wiser.)

My boyfriend and I are polyamorous. We are cuddling on the couch and talking about a lady he has a crush on. It’s important to note that we both have minor hearing impairments.

Me: Just talk to her!
Boyfriend: Ok, but…
Me: That’s how you got me, right?
Boyfriend: But I’m bad at flirting with people!
Me: *uncontrollable fit of giggles*
Boyfriend: …ok what did you hear?
Me: I know you said flirting, but it sounded like you said “I’m bad at farting with people!”
Boyfriend: *facepalm*

(My mom and I are on our way home from shopping when we hear a song come on the radio. The song is a collab between two popular musicians, and my mom can only remember the name of one of the singers. The song in question has “baby” in the title of it)

Mom: It’s sung by (Popluar English Singer) and baby Jesus!

(I was laughing so hard I had to pull over)

I work at the front desk of a hotel. When guests check in, the law requires that they fill in a form with some personal information. A man and a woman walk in and come up to the front desk to check in.

Man: I’d like to check in. The booking is under the name Patrick.

We usually search for bookings by last name, so I check.

Me: Is that the last name? I’m not finding a reservation with that name.

Man: No, that’s my first name. My last name is “Name”.

I find the booking and hand over the form, explaining that I need him to fill out sections 1-5 (while pointing at the correct places to fill out), and then sign.

He writes “1-5” in the address box, signs it, and hands it over. I point out that’s not what is required, explain again while the woman rolls her eyes at him, and he finally gets it.
I retreat to the back office to scream silently.