There’s No Place Like Home, Motherf*****s!

, , , , | Related | February 1, 2020

(The little sister mentioned in this story isn’t actually our sister, but my brother’s friend, who has been basically adopted by my family since we’ve known her for most of our lives and my mother has treated her like her own for a long time. My youngest brother lives in England and my older sister in California. My second brother is also considering moving. Our family is from Finland.)

Little Sister: “I thought of applying to [French University] after I finish my current degree.”

Little Brother: “I thought you wanted to get into [University near her].”

Little Sister: “Yeah, I did, but Dad will have peacekeeping responsibilities for at least eight years, you don’t live here, [Sister] doesn’t live here, [Older Brother] doesn’t want to live here… I have no family members here and it just feels wrong.”

(Yup, that’s how she said it.)

Me: “Okay, don’t get me wrong; I support your decision, no matter what it is. But could you, my dearest siblings, please stop solving all of your problems with moving out of the country?”

Little Sister: “Okay, first of all, adopted, so I don’t count, and therefore, I do whatever I want. Au revoir, motherf*****s.”

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The Year Ended With A Karmic Bang

, , , , , , | Legal | December 31, 2019

I am working at the main railway station in Helsinki during New Year’s night when I spot two teenagers lighting up firecrackers and throwing them onto the street where people are walking. I approach them and sternly tell them to stop as they could hurt someone.

While I approach, they are still lighting one up. They throw it without looking, and where else would it land but next to a police car that has just arrived on patrol?

I leave the kids to discuss their actions with the police.

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Bill Kill

, , , , | Working | December 26, 2019

(It is around 2010 or so. I need a new battery for my phone and there’s a telecom shop of one of the Finnish carriers near where I live, so I go there.)

Me: *showing my phone* “Can I have a new battery for this?”

Salesman: “Yes, sure, but can I ask what operator you use?”

Me: “Certainly, I have a contract with [Competitor].”

Salesman: “How much do you pay in a month? I’m sure that I can go lower than that.”

Me: “Don’t remember. It’s been a while since I got a bill. But I don’t want to change operators now; I only want the battery.”

Salesman: “Certainly.”

(He fetches the battery and I pay it. About a month later, my mother’s phone needs a new battery and I finally get a phone bill. The company I use never sends bills out until the amount is over €20. My bill is something like €24. I go to the same store and wait until the same salesman is free and go to him.)

Me: “Hello. This is my mum’s phone and it needs a new battery. Do you have them?”

Salesman: “Certainly, wait and I’ll get one.” *fetches the battery*

Me: “By the way, last time I was here you told me that if I knew how much I pay for my current operator you can sell me a cheaper connection. So, here’s my last bill.”

(I hand over the bill and he looks at it.)

Salesman: “€24, of course, I can sell you cheaper than this.”

Me: “Please check the period this bill covers.”

Salesman: *gives the bill back to me* “Three months? I cannot go under that!”

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This Is How They Resolve Things In Finland

, , , , | Legal | December 18, 2019

(I’m going to the grocery store close to where I work to get some lunch. As I enter, I see a guy in his twenties about to walk out, without paying, with a whole load of beer in his arms. The cashier is coming right after him and grabs him. I decide to help out, because I’m a large guy, and I don’t really think about it; it just happens. The shoplifter is putting up quite some resistance, right until the following exchange happens.)

Cashier: “Look, I’m not really fit enough to continue for much longer.”

Shoplifter: “Yeah, me, neither.”

(And the situation was resolved like that. The shoplifter stopped his resistance and waited until the police arrived. I’m glad they could come to a mutual understanding in the end.)

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Never Been So Un-App-y To See Cash

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2019

(I work for the national railway company. A drunk customer approaches me, asking how she can get a ticket. They have not been sold on the train since June 2017.)

Me: “Tickets can be bought from the ticket machines over there, the kiosk over there, or with a mobile application.”

Customer: *demanding* “Help me with the application!”

Me: “Okay… Are you sure you don’t want to use the kiosk? It’s probably the easiest way and you can check out the application later with more time.”

(She is considerably drunk and her train is going to leave quite soon.)

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, just show me how it works.”

Me: *helps the customer download, install, and set up the application for the next five minutes* “Now all you need to do is to choose which ticket you need and your payment method.”

Customer: *chooses her ticket type and stares at her phone for half a minute before pulling out a 10€ bill* “So, where do I put this, then?”

(It took me all my mental strength to not tell her to put it where the sun doesn’t shine. After recomposing myself, I told her to just use the d*** kiosk, that her train was going to leave in a minute, and that the next one would leave in an hour. At least she sobered up a bit during the wait.)

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