The Return Of Mozzarella Filofax

, , , , | Right | December 11, 2020

I work for a software company in customer support. We’ve encountered a rare fault that customers are reporting and we already have a clue what might be the reason, but we haven’t yet quite cracked the problem. I’m chatting with a customer trying to get essential information from them.

Me: “Who’s your Internet provider?”

Customer: “Firefox.”

Me: “That’s good that you’re using Firefox; that’s our recommended browser. Can you tell me which company provides your Internet connection?”

Customer: “Mozilla.”

Me: “Okay, good. Do you have your Internet connection with [Company #1], [Company #2], [Company #3], or maybe with some other company?”

Customer: “I don’t know why you’re asking all these questions from me!”

Me: “I’m sorry if I’ve been unclear. The issue you’re experiencing seems to be related to certain Internet providers and we’re trying to gather information so we can pinpoint exactly where the problem is and fix it. In order to do that, it would be really helpful if you could let me know your Internet provider.”

Customer: “I’ve told you already, it’s Firefox! I don’t know why you’re making this so hard. I just want this thing to work! Make it work!”

Related:
Not Quite As Fast As A Fox In A Fire

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You Say Tomato, I Say Liar

, , , | Right | May 14, 2020

The customer comes to my register, places her purchases on the lane, and shows me a plastic case of cherry tomatoes.

Customer: “I just noticed one of these tomatoes has gone bad. Could I get a discount?”

Me: “Unless that’s the only case of tomatoes left, I’m sorry, but I can’t. Would you like to go get a new case?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m in too much hurry! Are you sure you can’t do anything?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not even authorized to give discounts. I’d have to phone someone who’d just tell you to get a new box.”

Customer: “That won’t do. I don’t want them, then. I just don’t have time.”

The customer didn’t buy the cherry tomatoes. I rang her through extra fast, seeing as she seemed to be very busy. After the customer paid, I noticed her staying around for at least fifteen minutes, happily chatting with someone, before leaving.

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There’s No Place Like Home, Motherf*****s!

, , , , | Related | February 1, 2020

(The little sister mentioned in this story isn’t actually our sister, but my brother’s friend, who has been basically adopted by my family since we’ve known her for most of our lives and my mother has treated her like her own for a long time. My youngest brother lives in England and my older sister in California. My second brother is also considering moving. Our family is from Finland.)

Little Sister: “I thought of applying to [French University] after I finish my current degree.”

Little Brother: “I thought you wanted to get into [University near her].”

Little Sister: “Yeah, I did, but Dad will have peacekeeping responsibilities for at least eight years, you don’t live here, [Sister] doesn’t live here, [Older Brother] doesn’t want to live here… I have no family members here and it just feels wrong.”

(Yup, that’s how she said it.)

Me: “Okay, don’t get me wrong; I support your decision, no matter what it is. But could you, my dearest siblings, please stop solving all of your problems with moving out of the country?”

Little Sister: “Okay, first of all, adopted, so I don’t count, and therefore, I do whatever I want. Au revoir, motherf*****s.”

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The Year Ended With A Karmic Bang

, , , , , , | Legal | December 31, 2019

I am working at the main railway station in Helsinki during New Year’s night when I spot two teenagers lighting up firecrackers and throwing them onto the street where people are walking. I approach them and sternly tell them to stop as they could hurt someone.

While I approach, they are still lighting one up. They throw it without looking, and where else would it land but next to a police car that has just arrived on patrol?

I leave the kids to discuss their actions with the police.

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Bill Kill

, , , , | Working | December 26, 2019

(It is around 2010 or so. I need a new battery for my phone and there’s a telecom shop of one of the Finnish carriers near where I live, so I go there.)

Me: *showing my phone* “Can I have a new battery for this?”

Salesman: “Yes, sure, but can I ask what operator you use?”

Me: “Certainly, I have a contract with [Competitor].”

Salesman: “How much do you pay in a month? I’m sure that I can go lower than that.”

Me: “Don’t remember. It’s been a while since I got a bill. But I don’t want to change operators now; I only want the battery.”

Salesman: “Certainly.”

(He fetches the battery and I pay it. About a month later, my mother’s phone needs a new battery and I finally get a phone bill. The company I use never sends bills out until the amount is over €20. My bill is something like €24. I go to the same store and wait until the same salesman is free and go to him.)

Me: “Hello. This is my mum’s phone and it needs a new battery. Do you have them?”

Salesman: “Certainly, wait and I’ll get one.” *fetches the battery*

Me: “By the way, last time I was here you told me that if I knew how much I pay for my current operator you can sell me a cheaper connection. So, here’s my last bill.”

(I hand over the bill and he looks at it.)

Salesman: “€24, of course, I can sell you cheaper than this.”

Me: “Please check the period this bill covers.”

Salesman: *gives the bill back to me* “Three months? I cannot go under that!”

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