Never Been So Un-App-y To See Cash

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2019

(I work for the national railway company. A drunk customer approaches me, asking how she can get a ticket. They have not been sold on the train since June 2017.)

Me: “Tickets can be bought from the ticket machines over there, the kiosk over there, or with a mobile application.”

Customer: *demanding* “Help me with the application!”

Me: “Okay… Are you sure you don’t want to use the kiosk? It’s probably the easiest way and you can check out the application later with more time.”

(She is considerably drunk and her train is going to leave quite soon.)

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, just show me how it works.”

Me: *helps the customer download, install, and set up the application for the next five minutes* “Now all you need to do is to choose which ticket you need and your payment method.”

Customer: *chooses her ticket type and stares at her phone for half a minute before pulling out a 10€ bill* “So, where do I put this, then?”

(It took me all my mental strength to not tell her to put it where the sun doesn’t shine. After recomposing myself, I told her to just use the d*** kiosk, that her train was going to leave in a minute, and that the next one would leave in an hour. At least she sobered up a bit during the wait.)

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Keeping Them Safe From Themselves

, , , , , , | Legal | September 26, 2019

I work as a train conductor, doing ticket rounds on a late-evening train. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two teenagers, maybe 15 or 16, switch seats. That’s okay, and I think no more of that. A few minutes later, I come to their compartment in order to check their tickets; there are six teenagers in total, and every single one of them is pretending to be asleep. People try this every now and then, but this is the first time they try it specifically after making eye contact. I just kind of chuckle and go “nice try,” loud enough for the rest of the compartment to hear. They feign ignorance and say they were trying to catch a bit of sleep. I also notice they’re carrying alcohol with them. They’re off to a bad start. I ask for the tickets. This is when I hear a myriad of excuses:

  • [Friend]’s mom has the tickets.
  • Nobody has a working phone on them.
  • When we get the battery charged, [Friend]’s mom doesn’t care and hangs up.
  • They actually went the wrong way first.

They finally drop the act and start pleading for a free ride, and even try to bribe me with 10€, to which I reply, “Next time you try to bribe someone, here’s a little heads up. Don’t do it in front of a dozen witnesses.” The other passengers are having a blast so far. As a last straw, the teens bring up the fact that they are, in fact, underage and I am technically in charge of keeping them safe. Here’s the thing: I have to be really careful now, because the law being what it is, I could be held accountable if I drop them off somewhere without supervision and something happens to them, as it is in the middle of the night and it’s quite cold outside.

Now, here comes the malicious compliance. I finally “relent” to letting them go as far as the next station where they can still buy tickets with that bit of cash they had, and continue to do my job. Now, of course, as I have to keep them safe, I naturally am worried about underage drinking on their part, as well. That stuff rots the brain and hinders development of these beautiful young children! So, I arrange for security and police to meet them at the same station.

Naturally, once they jump off the train — and one of them even says, “Man, we really managed to bulls*** that one!” — I direct the impressive amount of nothing-better-to-do-right-now security and police officers to the teenagers. I’ve never seen anyone get as pure of an “Oh, s***!” impression as those kids right then. Their drinks get confiscated and destroyed, and each of them gets shipped home to have a meeting with their guardians, police, and possibly even CPS if this is a recurring problem. Fines could be slapped, as well.

Moral(s) of the story: Be honest. And under no circumstance tell me to keep you safe, because I will keep you safe.

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You Can Tell From My (Dial) Tone That I Can’t Speak

, , , , | Healthy | March 25, 2019

(I am working in an ER doing office duties, including admitting walk-ins. A phone rings.)

Me: “This is [Hospital] with [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: *absolute silence*

Me: “Sir or ma’am, are you unable to speak? Do you have a medical emergency?”

Caller: *still absolute silence*

(After about 60 seconds of silence, the caller hangs up. A few minutes later the phone rings again. The same thing happens again. I am getting really worried that this might be a bad emergency, like a stroke, that can leave a person without speak. I start wondering if I could communicate with the person using the phone’s dial tones and how to do it. But again, the person hangs up before I figure out a way to do it. The phone rings a third time. This time it’s the husband of a nurse, both of whom I know very well.)

Husband: “Hi, [My Name]. [Nurse] has really bad laryngitis. She can’t speak and can’t come to work today.”

Me: “Thank God. I was trying to figure out how to communicate with a person who can’t speak.”

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Unfiltered Story #137093

, , | Unfiltered | January 21, 2019

(I work for a software company. We provide document archiving services through internet and if/when customer ends the subscription they can order all the documents to be saved e.g. on a CD. This customer has done so. She calls a bit later to ask how she can search a certain document from the CD)

Customer: “I have this CD from you that has all my documents I once stored in your service. Now I need to find a certain document from here, how do I find it? There are so many documents here”
Me: “Well you need to go to your computer’s resources and use the search features your operating system has”
Customer: “But I need to find this certain document, how do I find it?”
Me: “You need to use your own computer’s search features for searching. You go to resources and type in the word you wish to search among the documents. Unfortunately I cannot give you more specific information on your computer’s search features because those can vary based on the operating system you are using and we don’t have training for that. You won’t have the search features of our service because the data is no longer on our server”
Customer: “… So…. How does my computer know what to search?”
Me: “You will choose on your resources the CD and the type in the word or words you wish to search”
Customer: “So… Do you mean that I have to put this CD into my computer first?”
Me: “…Yes, that is what I mean”
Customer: *very happily and cheerily* “Oh, good! I didn’t know where to put this CD. I was fearing that I would need some kind of special device to see the data on this CD!”

Unfiltered Story #137060

, , | Unfiltered | January 20, 2019

(I work as a customer support agent in a software company)

Customer: “I get an error message when I try to run this report”
Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Could you tell me which browser are you using?”
Customer: “I used to have Mozzarella, but now I have Firefox”

(When I connected to her computer remotely, I found out that she used IE)