(A man walks up to me with his son while I’m tending the bird section.)

Man: “Excuse me, what are those birds?”

Me: “They’re bald eagles.”

Man: “Well, that’s just so god-d**n cheap! Our nation’s capital, and we can’t even afford young eagles!”

Me: “Sir, that eagle isn’t very old at all. Eagles have a life span of–”

Man: “Don’t give me any excuses! I know they’re old! They’re bald! You only get bald when you’re old!”

Man’s Son: “Yeah, just like you, Dad!”

Man: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! WE’RE OUT OF HERE!”

(Apparently, on his way out he complained about the same thing to three zookeepers, and all three of them just laughed.)

Customer: “Hey, you!”

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least sixteen hours out of the day anyway.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

Customer: “Well, they should be!”

Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “These bears are boring!”

Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Read the next Clueless Zoo Customers roundup story!

Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

(I worked at a zoo next to a nature trail through some wetlands. It’s not part of the zoo, just a good view.)

Them: “Hey, we just love that walking trail.”

Me: “That’s great.”

Them: “Yeah, but I was wondering. How do you keep the animals in place?”

Me: “Well, we have cages for that.”

Them: “No, out there, on the trail.”

Me: “Those are wild animals, ma’am.”

Them: “Really? But they were sitting so nicely!”

Me: “Ducks tend to do that.”

This story is part of the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

Read the next More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup story!

Read the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

(Working at the zoo, I hear a lot of strange things from visitors…)

Me: *feeds chickens*

Older Man: “Oh, you’re a bus stop!”

Me: “Huh?”

Older Man: “A bus stop! You’re a bus stop, aren’t you?”

Me: “?”

Woman: “No, she’s not a bus stop.”

Older Man: “…oh.”

Me: *completely at a loss*

(I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot-long juvenile alligators.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh… Well, no.”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Read the next Clueless Zoo Customers roundup story!

Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!