Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the zoo closed at six pm today.”

Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up? I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere. Can I see the paper you printed out?”

Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at six pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

(I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than six pm.)

Zoo Visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

Zoo Visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

Zoo Visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

Zoo Visitor’s Wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

Zoo Visitor: “Honey, tell ’em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

(I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

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Zoo Visitor: “Aren’t lions vegetarians?”

Me: “No, lions are carnivores.”

Zoo Visitor: “I’m sure I read somewhere that they are vegetarians. How are they carnivores?”

Me: “Sir, lions are well-known carnivores. They hunt for their food. Their diet consists of mostly meat. They would not survive on fruits and vegetables alone.”

Zoo Visitor: “Are you sure about that?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, if you really want to you, can jump into the lion exhibit to see if they’ll eat you.”

Zoo Visitor: “Vegetarians wouldn’t eat a human, would they?”

Me: “My point exactly.”

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Me: “Hi, do you need any help?”

Guest: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”

Me: “Ummm…. no.”

(The zoo sells these SpongeBob ice creams with gumball eyes. I overhear this mother telling her young son eating one outside one of the restaurants…)

Mom: “Oh look, honey, when you licked his balls you got stuff all over your face!”