(I do billing and tech support for a major cell phone carrier.)

Customer: “I was just talking to someone about getting my rebate card for the phone I bought in November, and we got disconnected.”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll be glad to assist you with getting your rebate resubmitted or the card re-mailed.”

Customer: “I’m about to give up! The rebate people keep telling me I can’t have my $50 rebate!”

Me: *looking at the notes on the account* “Uh, ma’am, the notes here say that you purchased the phone for $1 at [Electronics Retailer]; is that correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with it!”

Me: “Well, a rebate is basically a refund from the manufacturer on money that you already spent on the phone. If you had gotten that particular phone at one of [Carrier]’s corporate store locations, it would have been $79.99, with a $50 mail-in rebate. However, since you only spent a dollar on it in the first place—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “It doesn’t say anywhere on this rebate form the store lady gave me that you have to pay a certain amount to get your rebate card! I’m eligible for a rebate!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can make them honor that, since you didn’t buy the phone at one of our stores. I do see that someone has applied a promotion for a month of free service to your account, though, as well as issuing you some inconvenience credits! Between the promotion and the credits, the value applied to your account is actually greater than the $50 gift card, anyway.”

Customer: “Those credits are because they were saying I was late on my payment! I pay on time every month, though!”

Me: *looks at the payment history on the account* “Well, I see that you’ve been making payments every month, but it looks like you’ve been underpaying by $10 to $15 every month for the last few months now. I’d be happy to review your plan—”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t look at my bills; I just make a payment! No, I’m going to take my free month and go look for another carrier. I can’t believe you won’t give me my rebate card!”

(Nothing I could do or say would persuade the customer that, in fact, she owed us the remaining balance from her bills, and we did not owe her a rebate on money she never paid for her phone. Eventually, she hung up the call.)

I am the customer. It is the day after I turned 54. Late on the evening of my birthday, I fell over an uneven sidewalk, resulting in scrapes and bruises. While I did not hit my head, I think trauma from the fall is my only excuse for what happened here.

As I’m checking out, I notice a sign about how age 55 and over get a discount on the first Tuesday of the month and comment that in a year, I’ll have to start shopping on Tuesday. The cashier mentions that, during the holidays, the discount is every Tuesday. My response: “That’ll be especially good in years when Black Friday falls on a Tuesday!” 

Maybe I was thinking of the day after Christmas?

(I work at a bakery that’s famous for its coconut cream pie. We sell the pie four different ways: full-sized, baby, slices, and little individual bites. It’s nearing the end of the day and it’s getting slow, so my coworker has gone upstairs to do restock and I’m left puttering around behind the counter, doing various little pieces of side-work. A very well-dressed woman in her fifties or sixties comes in and I greet her.)

Customer: “I heard you’re famous for your coconut cream pie!”

Me: “Yep! It’s the favorite, for sure. We sell it at all the locations in [Company].”

Customer: “I have a question about it.”

(It’s tourist season, and has been for about a month, and it’s not unusual for non-locals to want to know about the pie. I figure it will be one of the standard questions, like what makes it a TRIPLE coconut cream pie, etc.) 

Me: “Ask away!”

Customer: “What does coconut taste like?”

Me: *pause* “What?”

(I think she is joking at first, but eventually, I realize she isn’t. Because I have no idea how to even begin to explain the flavor of coconut, I start asking her if she’s ever eaten anything with coconut in it — Almond Joys, macaroons, Sno-Balls, doughnuts with coconut flakes — but she apparently has not.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not sure how to explain the flavor. But I can go and ask the pastry kitchen if they have any coconut flakes lying around so you can try them?”

Customer: “No, thanks! I’ll just get the pie bite.”

(I gave her the bite and rung her up, and she happily left. I still have no idea if she somehow managed to go through her entire life without eating coconut or if she was making a joke in the most deadpan way possible. It’s definitely one of the most bemusing customer experiences I’ve had to date. Honestly, it’s a small miracle that I didn’t just laugh in her face when she asked the question.)

(I have gotten a new job with a store that is opening at the mall. We have just finished setting everything up and are gathered around the cash wrap for a store meeting with our district manager. The mall made us take the paper off our windows, so you can see into the store.)

District Manager: “Okay, guys, great job getting everything set so quickly! Before we go, though, I have to—”

Customer: *opens our closed door, walks in, and starts shopping*

Coworker: “Uh, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, my. You aren’t open yet, are you?”

District Manager: “No, that would be tomorrow. We’ll be open all day.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *slowly leaves*

Me: “Who sees a bunch of employees standing behind two obviously closed doors and thinks it’s a good idea to walk in?”

District Manager: “Who knows?”

(We had two more people try to walk in after that.)

Related:
Not Very Closed Minded, Part 33
Not Very Closed Minded, Part 32
Not Very Closed Minded, Part 31

(I work front desk reception for a furniture store.)

Me: *answers phone* “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. How can I help you?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello? That’s how you answer the phone at a business?! You guys are so unprofessional!” *click*