It is my mom’s birthday, so I call her. We don’t have the best relationship, but I’m a bit old-fashioned and want to respect her even if I have to complain about the things she says afterward.

Me: “I’ll message you the tracking information for the package I sent. It should be there on Monday.”

Mom: “If it doesn’t come before I leave for work, I’ll ask my neighbor to keep an eye out for it. She just had a baby so she’s not going anywhere. I won’t say anything to her face, but she gave her kid the most ridiculous name: [Baby]. She has no business having another kid. She isn’t talking to me, but I don’t know what I did to offend her.”

I wonder why her neighbor wouldn’t want to associate with my dear mother!

Many years ago, the water supply system in my hometown was privately owned. The city had granted a license to operate to a man who already owned a suitable reservoir built for a long-gone sawmill, and he operated the water system rather than everyone having to have a well.

While the streets were mostly paved, there were no sidewalks, and the water pipes ran under the unpaved areas to make it easier to work on the lines. Naturally, there were only a few places that had handholes to reach the valves. Also, there were few maps of the system, and it mostly relied on memory and local knowledge of where everything was.

Some years later, the system passes to another man, who has been assisting the owner for several years. [Owner] is getting on in years and is rather obstreperous. We joke that if you looked up “curmudgeon,” you’d find his picture.

It’s late summer and the reservoir is down lower than it should be, so the town is on watering restriction, and some of the industrial users are pumping from the river for their process water to reduce the load on the reservoir.

[Owner] drives down one of the streets, and finds a local resident watering his garden on a day when he shouldn’t be.

Owner: “Turn that sprinkler off!”

Resident: “Nope.”

Owner: “You turn it off or I will!”

Resident: “No, you won’t.”

So, [Owner] digs up the shutoff for [Resident]’s property and turns the valve off. And the sprinkler keeps going. [Owner] goes up to the head of the street, digs up the valve there, and turns the street off. The sprinkler’s still going. [Owner] figures this might be one of the strange places that are fed from the street behind, so he digs up that valve and turns that street off, too.

The spinkler’s still going.

Owner: “[Resident]! You got a well?!”

Resident: “A-yep.”

Owner: “Why didn’t you say so?!”

Resident: “You didn’t ask.”

The shutoff for [Resident]’s property did turn off the system’s supply… which fed only one faucet in the middle of the yard.

A few years later, the city got a loan from the federal government to buy the water system, which let [Owner] retire.

I’m at the doctor’s office, and a woman comes in crying and shouting.

Woman: “I can’t find my daughter’s prostate!” 

The nurse calmly explained to her what the prostate is for and why women don’t have them. The woman left, looking humiliated.

I’m a nanny and I’m taking my charge to her basketball game, played at the local elementary school. Even though we get there early, the parking lot is packed, so we find street parking a block or two away and walk to the school. As we near the gym, I notice one of her teammates arriving with her dad, parking in the last open spot, right by the gym — one reserved for people with disabilities. The car has no disabled parking license plates or tag on the rearview mirror.

I know invisible disabilities exist, and it’s possible the dad has a heart condition or something that prevents him from walking a long distance. But I find it odd that he has no tags for parking there in that last open spot of the lot, so I call out to him.

Me: “You forgot to put up your disabled parking pass. My mother-in-law got a big ticket when she forgot.”

She had taken my disabled nephew to a park, and she got the ticket dismissed after showing the parking pass.

The dad didn’t say anything to me but said something to his daughter, and she went into the gym on her own while he got back in the car and drove off to park elsewhere.

I am a manager at a fast food restaurant and have a very packed lobby and drive-thru. We have two windows: one to pay and one to get your food. At the moment, I am the only person in the front. This leaves me to take orders on both the drive-thru and in the lobby. NOBODY IS USING THE KIOSKS.

I take an order on the headset, everything goes smoothly, and the lady is satisfied. I tell her to pull up, and I continue bagging food, making fries and drinks, and taking orders from walk-ins as well as more in the drive-thru. The lady gets to my window after paying.

Me: “Hello!”

I repeat the full, massive order, worth about $40.

Me: “Is that correct?”

Customer: “Yes. Can I get ketchup?”

Me: “Absolutely. Anything else?”

Customer: “No, thank you.”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

I move on to helping more customers in the lobby. I go back to the window with the next two orders after handing out orders in the lobby, but the lady is still there!

Me: “Can I help you? Was I missing something from your order?”

Customer: “No. I would like to place another order for three combo #2s and two #1s.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot take your order at this window as I have several other orders behind you and their food is ready. You can pull back around or come inside and we can help you then.”

Customer: “I’M CALLING THE POLICE!”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “I’LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED!”

Me: “…”

She starts dialing the phone and I can see that she is, indeed, dialing 911! I apologize to the lobby customers for their wait and inform them that I will be just a moment. I return to the window.

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to leave the drive-thru.”

Customer: “I’m on the phone with the police.”

Me: “This is not a police matter and you can be charged for calling with a non-emergency. My customers are suffering because of you. Please leave.”

Customer: “THEY JUST HUNG UP ON ME!”

She zooms out of the drive-thru. The next lady has heard the whole thing.

Next Customer: “Did she just call the police?”

Everyone else was very understanding, and the lady came inside to order the rest of her food.