(I’m a bagger at a grocery store, and one of our jobs is to take a customer’s groceries out to their car and load it for them. As I am helping a customer out, I have this exchange.)
Me: “How was your day today?”
(The customer looks at me, horrified.)
Customer: “You don’t ask people that!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You don’t ask people that! It’s very rude!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I won’t ever do that again.”
(My brother and I are in the living room. My mother sometimes gets random gifts from her workplace, and my brother finds an air plant terrarium in a box. He’s reading the instructions on the care for an air plant.)
Brother: “Hey, [My Name], what’s an air plant?”
Me: “It’s a small plant that’s fairly easy to take care of, that even you have seen people have in their homes. Why?”
Brother: “Oh! Right, right.”
Me: “What did you think they were?”
Brother: “A plant that would be floating on air in the container.”
Me: “…”
(He’s 15 years old.)
(I am ringing up a customer who has several packs of alcohol and two packs of cigarettes. My coworker is bored, so she’s trying to help me by bagging everything.)
Coworker: “Would you like a bag?”
Customer: “No, I don’t smoke.”
(My coworker and I exchange very confused looks, and then stare at his cigarettes, wondering what he’s talking about, before he seems to realize something.)
Customer: “Oh! You mean for the alcohol! No, I’m good. I thought you wanted me to buy weed from you, and all I could think was: ‘Why would I buy weed from you? I don’t even know you!’”
(The class is entering their science period.)
Teacher: *bursting through the doors* “EVERYBODY OUT! I’VE BURNT A SOCK IN THE MICROWAVE!”
Entire Class: “What?”
Teacher: *waving us out* “Go, go!”
(A noticeable stench is wafting out of the classroom. The entire class follows the teacher.)
Me: *whispering to my friends* “How did she burn a sock in the microwave?”
(We ended up staying in the garden for the next hour or so. Ever since, that room has always smelled a little bit like burnt burritos.)
(My boyfriend and I are in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He has an old down pillow that he sleeps with. He grabs the pillow from behind his head and slaps it down over his legs.)
Me: “So, that’s why I keep finding feathers.”
Boyfriend: “No, it’s not.”
(He throws the pillow back up and then smacks it down on his legs again, except this time the pillow actually rips in half and spills feathers all over the bed. He lays there and stares at the mess, as I laugh so hard I almost cry. I run to the bathroom as he is stuffing the pillow and most of the feathers into the trash. When I return, he is walking out the front door.)
Me: “What are you doing?”
Boyfriend: “I just shook out the blanket off the porch, and now I have to find whatever it is I just flung across the yard that was in the blanket.”
Me: *still laughing* “I bet it was the TV remote. You better not have lost the batteries. We don’t have any more.”
(Sure enough, the remote is in the yard, and he manages to find the batteries in the grass. I start to laugh again as he hands them to me before he walks back inside.)
Me: “You’re not allowed to touch things.”
(I put the batteries back in the remote and set it back onto the bed before heading to the kitchen. I pass by the cat who is sitting on the edge of the couch as my boyfriend is walking towards us.)
Me: “[Cat], run! Don’t let him touch you!”
Boyfriend: “Ha. Ha.”
(A few seconds later, I hear a “thwack” sound followed by, “God d*** it.” I look back into the bedroom and my boyfriend is standing there with his hand over his face.)
Boyfriend: “Just… I just threw my phone on the bed.”
(I look over and see that his phone has managed to smack into the remote, causing the batteries to fly out of it and across the bed. I burst out laughing.)
Boyfriend: “I’m going to sleep!”
(I love the big goof.)
