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Has Certain Memories PINNED

, , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

(My mom takes me out for a morning of errands with her, and is trying to figure out what order to do things in.)

Mom: “We need groceries, and you wanted a new notebook, and your dad asked if I could check on the price of sand for him… but I’ll have to go to the ATM first, and there’s always a line this time of day.”

Me: “I could go to the ATM for you, and meet you at the grocery store.”

Mom: “That’s sweet, honey, but to use the ATM you’d have to know my–”

Me: *recites my mother’s four-digit PIN code*

Mom: “How did you know that?!”

Me: “By watching you enter it every couple weeks since I was five?”

Mom: *hands me ATM card* “Get $300.”

Elect-wrong-ics

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2017

(I was working the phone side of customer service at a big tech retail store. This particular customer retains a straight tone of voice throughout the conversation, which lasts 15 minutes, but I’ll share the best part of it.)

Customer: “Do you have any dildos?”

Me: *taken aback* “Um, what?”

Customer: “Dildos. Do you have any in stock?”

Me: “I am certain that we do not.”

Customer: “What the h*** kind of store are you, then?”

Me: “An electronics store.”

Customer: “Oh. So, you have the vibrating ones.”

A Story With A Happy Ending

, , , , | Learning | October 9, 2017

(I am in fifth grade, and I’ve always loved writing fiction stories. My teacher presents us with two projects: First, we have to write a realistic fiction story for language arts, and second, we have to give a report on the Holocaust for social studies. I go up to the teacher and ask if I can write a story for the social studies project, rather than do a report, and she says yes. I am ecstatic, as a report sounds like a lot of boring, pointless work. About a month later, we turn in both projects. The following occurs as I hand in my Holocaust story:)

Teacher: “[My Name], this isn’t the report I asked for. You didn’t do the work?”

Me: “Um… you said I could write a story instead of the report.”

Teacher: “No, I never said that. When did that happen?”

Me: “Th-the day you told us about the project, I asked if I could write a story instead, and you said yes.”

Teacher: “No, I said you could write a story about the Holocaust for your realistic fiction story. You still had to do the report.”

Me: “Oh.”

(I am feeling extremely nervous, as I am very shy, and I am terrified I am going to fail the project.)

Teacher: “All right, just sit down for now.”

(The rest of class seems to go by smoothly, allowing me to forget the incident ever occurred, until…)

Teacher: “[My Name], come up here for a second.”

(I go up to her desk.)

Teacher: “I read through the story. Are you sure you wrote it?”

Me: “Yes?”

Teacher: “This work doesn’t look like a fifth-grader’s writing. Are you sure you didn’t copy it from somewhere?”

Me: “No! I wrote all of it. I didn’t copy or anything.”

Teacher: “Okay, because if you did, that’s plagiarism. You can get in huge trouble for that.”

Me: “I know. I didn’t copy anything.”

Teacher: “Well…” *she flips through it a bit* “This is really amazing writing. I know you weren’t supposed to write a story, but I’ll accept it this time. Just know you have to be more careful next year in middle school, since the teachers there won’t do something like this, understand?”

Me: “Okay.”

(I managed not to fail the project, but had to write an essay with the other kids who didn’t do the report about why I didn’t do it and such. I found it completely pointless and never actually turned it in. The kicker? The next year, in sixth grade, I turned in a short story instead of a science report and received an A for creativity.)

A Truly Capital Relationship

, , , | Romantic | October 9, 2017

(I have recently taken a job as a merchandiser. I have had a rough day, so after work I seek validation from my wife. She’s an anarchist, so I know her validation will be flavored with that.)

Me: “You love and respect me, even though I’m a capitalist monkey, right?”

Wife: “Of course. I used to work for [Unpleasant Company], after all!”

Me: “Yeah, but your role was important. I’m useless.”

Wife: “I spent my time making my department more efficient for capitalism. Your job is more anti-capitalist, because you’re being paid by the company to do almost nothing!”

(Somehow it didn’t help that much with my problem of feeling useless.)

Hands Off The Merch(ant)

, , , , , | Right | October 9, 2017

(I am working as a cashier at a fast food place during my senior year of high school. One day an older lady comes in with three grandchildren.)

Me: “Good morning! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Just a moment; let’s figure out what we want.”

(She proceeds to talk with the kids and argue about what they want for about five minutes before I finally have everything in the machine.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, if that’s all…”

(I put my hand out for her change and she grabs my hand.)

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Not so fast! I still have to order for me.”

(She continues to hold my hand for the duration of the order, even as I try to pull my hand back. Only at the end when she gets her money out do I get my hand released. Needless to say I kept my hands behind the counter for the rest of the order.)

Customer: “Here you are!”

(She apparently saw nothing wrong with what she did, and I was too polite to mention anything. All of my coworkers saw this and teased me for a month, asking where my “girlfriend” was.)