(I am checking out with just three items: a dog toy, a fire extinguisher, and a compost aerator. It is Halloween.)

Cashier: “Looks like you’re making a really interesting costume!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s actually my dog’s birthday, so I had to get her a toy to rip apart.”

Cashier: “Ah, and for when things get out of hand…” *gestures toward fire extinguisher*

(I’m in a large high-rise building, waiting for the elevator. I realize that, out of the multiple elevators, only one is working for the whole building. I get in on the 11th floor attempting to get to the lobby. The elevator quickly goes up, first to the 12th floor, the 14th, the 15th, etc, with one or more people getting on at most floors. It starts to get crowded, and I’m certain we’re about to hit the weight limit. The elevator starts to go down, with even more people squeezing in along the way. People are starting to shift and look nervous. Finally, towards the bottom, with around 15 people crammed into a tiny elevator that is creaking from the weight, the last three get on.)

Woman: *in the elevator* “Ooh, three more now….”

Man: *who has just entered* “Man, I hope they fix this elevator soon, because it is about to break!”

People: *in the elevator* “Anything but that!” “Don’t wish it into existence!” “Don’t even say that!”

(With perfect timing, at that exact moment the elevator dinged, and the doors opened to the lobby. Everyone started laughing. Really lightened up what had become a pretty tense ride. I hope they fix the elevator soon.)

(Overheard in a school hallway:)

Student #1: “Well, babies seem to know. That’s why they cry all the time.”

Student #2: “I thought they cried because of the existential angst crashing in on them all at once.”

Student #1: “I think they cry because they have wet diapers, [Student #2]!”

(I am picking up my medicine and in order to do so, you must give your name and birth date, including year.)

Clerk: “Name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Clerk: “Birthday?”

Me: “[Date].”

Clerk: “That’s the same day I graduated. To the day.”

Me: “And year. Next time you ask, I’m just going to say, ‘the exact day you graduated.’”

(One afternoon I am doing a bit of cleaning around the fast food restaurant where I work, getting ready for my shift to end, when a really weird customer comes up to the counter. He seems like he is drunk, or possibly high, and isn’t making much sense. My manager goes over to help him.)

Customer: “Phone?”

(My manager looks at him, confused. She has to talk to him a bit before she eventually figures out that the customer wants to use our company phone to call for a taxi to take him home. My manager eventually agrees to this and calls a cab company. However, when I get off my shift some time later, I find out that the taxi never arrived for some reason. I brush this off, clock out of work, and walk out to my car alone when I hear a voice behind me.)

Customer: “Hey, mister? Ten dollars.”

(I’m a woman, and I think this guy is about to mug me.)

Me: “Uh, sorry. I don’t have ten dollars.”

Customer: “No. I’ll give you ten dollars if you drive me to my house.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Customer: “Twenty dollars.”

Me: “No.”

(The customer wanders back to the restaurant. I get in my car and am about to drive away when, suddenly, the tiny parking lot becomes packed with cars and I am trapped in the middle of it. I wait for the traffic jam to clear. Then I hear someone banging on my passenger side window. I nearly jump out of my skin and look over to see it is the drunk guy pounding on my door.)

Customer: “Please take me home.”

Me: “NO!”

(As soon as the parking lot cleared up, I raced home as fast as I possibly could.)