I am on an airplane. There is a young child sitting in front of me who is having a fit. The child’s mother takes out a tablet and turns on a video, with the volume on. This calms the child, who is no longer screaming.

A flight attendant asks the mother to turn the video off, as they aren’t wearing headphones. As soon as the video is off, the child resumes screaming.

That might be a policy they have, but I would much prefer the sound coming from the video than the one from the child!

(I’m working third shift alone and ringing up a regular when another customer bursts in the door.)

Customer: “My car’s on fire!!”

Regular: “Oh, s***!”

Me: *hits emergency stop button, grabs fire extinguisher, and runs out the door*

Customer: “What are you doing? Wait!”

Me: *douses flaming car*

Customer: “Oh, my god! What are you doing! You’ll ruin my car!”

Me: “No, the OPEN FLAMES EATING THE ENGINE will do that. You’re at a gas station, parked next to a gas pump. Your car was on fire and I put it out.”

Regular: “Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Me: “I’ll do it, thanks.”

Customer: “I don’t have to be here for that right? I’ve got to get home.”

Me: “…you can’t be serious.”

Regular: “Dude, what? She’s got to call the fire department and you can’t exactly drive yourself home.”

(The fire truck arrives shortly.)

Customer: “It was just burning oil! I don’t know why this is such a big deal. Oil is supposed to burn!”

Firefighter & Me: *in unison* “Not at a gas station, it isn’t!”

(The customer complained the entire time about having to wait around for the fire truck, and then complained that I’d ruined his car. Somehow, he managed to start his car and drive away… and came in the very next night and joked about how it was still smoking. I need a raise.)

(I’m walking into a small grocery store with my mother and two very red-headed sisters. As we head towards the entrance, a woman exits the store and stops to admire my sisters’ red hair.)

Woman: “Oh, your red hair is just gorgeous!”

Sister #1: “Oh, thanks!”

Me: “Heh, they get that a lot.”

Woman: “You know, I hope I can be reincarnated as a redhead. Yes… Maybe as a red-headed dolphin?”

(The woman then continued on her way. My sisters, my mother, and I exchanged puzzled glances before heading into the store. My sisters get compliments on their hair all the time, but usually the compliments end at the “your hair is gorgeous” line…)

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(Our county health department is holding a special flu vaccination clinic at a local senior center. There are a number of other activities going on in different parts of the building, so I’m staffing the desk, checking in clients and giving directions. A very small, fragile-looking but smartly dressed gentleman walks in, leaning on a cane. He appears to be ninety if he’s a day.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir; are you here for the flu clinic?”

Gentleman: “No, I’m here for the square dancing class!”

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(I work as a security officer for a local theme park. Occasionally, the parent company will rent out the park after hours to host private events, usually corporate parties for big companies. When this story takes place, I and the other officers are sweeping out the day guests, and we’ve been instructed to be a little more insistent since catering has to set up for a private event an hour after park close. The tables and lights are already set up as we’re waiting on the last guests to exit a ride, when two teenagers approach me. Keep in mind, all of the event guests will be arriving by bus after park close.)

Guest #1: “Where do we go for the special event?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re part of the event?”

Guest #2: “Yeah! Well, uh, his dad is. And he’s getting us in.”

([Guest #1] then puts on his sunglasses (it’s dark) and crosses his arms like some corporate executive.)

Me: *starting to laugh, thinking it’s a joke* “Are you sure?”

([Guest #2] looks from his friend to me, starting to laugh nervously.)

Guest #2: “Yeah, uh, what’s wrong?”

Me: “Uh, maybe you’re here for [Other Event in Other Park]?”

Guest #1: “Oh, is it in [Other Park]?”

Me: “Well, we have a couple of events going on tonight in different locations. What company is your dad with?”

Guest #1: “Uh…” *looks at friend* “…Microsoft?”

Me: *smiling knowingly* “There’s no event for Microsoft.”

Guest #2: “Oh, well, we’ll just find out where to go somewhere else!”

(They both stormed off, [Guest #1] still wearing his sunglasses. By that point the final guests were getting off the ride and my coworkers all had a good laugh about it. I gotta give props to the two of them for sticking with their ruse to the end, though.)